Orlando Bound

The range of emotions today has been high and low.

From down right giddy...to....jump up and down laughing out of excitement...to OMG I can't do this.... to I don't want to Go anywhere...over and over.

It is here.  In less than 12 hours I should be headed to a much warmer climate.  And I couldn't be more blessed.

Chinese Fortune

Hmmmm.....isn't this the truth.  Not only today but everyday.

Rocky At Best

Struggling to keep my head above water.
Tensions are very high in my home.
Tension among my husband and I are amping up.

And as so often one of two things happen....
I shut down or escape.
Sometimes both.

The tools in the toolbox....are sparse at best right now.

I've had down and out and just plain bad days recently.   I've also had just as many or more better...good...pretty OK days.  This weekend would not be one of them.

Holy Batman...

A few hours ago,  I composed a blog post from my phone...while in bed....just like I am with this post.  I thought I hit publish.  It is probably a blessing I hit delete.

I know I am teetering on batshit crazy when I can't even remember what it was about. 

I am sick.  Again.  Not a real shocker is it?  This time the verdict is:  ear infection.  Damn it sux!  I woke up with a fever today.  Saw my chiropractor.  And started taking antibiotics.  My ear has produced enough crap to make me want to gag.

The view from my bed is lovely...

Blanket of fresh snow.  My neighbors all shoveling.  Our drive has almost all melted.

Kids are home for a 4 day weekend.  Yeah for them.  My DD will be babysitting here tonight.

I've listened to Adele over and over.

I HAVE THREE...YES THREE WORK DAYS LEFT.....

BEFORE I BOARD A PLANE HEADED TO ORLANDO!!!!

Heaviness

There is a heaviness in my heart tonight as I lay my head on my pillow.  My baby still continues to battle a health issue.  His arms, chest, and waist are covered on solid masses.  Miserable is an under statement.   My heart hurts for him.

I am trying hard to not freek out about flying out of the large airport vs smaller one that I am used to.  The 3 hour one way drive and tolls prevent my dh  from agreeing to take me.  I don't blame him.

My work schedule amd hours will virtually stay the same for the next 3 months.  Same days off.  It was weighing heavy on my mind if I should take a schedule that worked 6pm-230am.  It had more pros than cons.  When the day started my prayer was simple..
"Lord,  if it is meant to be...let it be.  Whatever it is that should be my schedule let that stick out and hit me so I know it."  When it was my time base on seniority to pick my shift...the original one I thought I wanted was available, none of thd others were and it was obvious...other than different people and such on Saturday it is the same.  My Saturday piece will be so much easier.  I am relieved.

Beauty

For today...
Skies are deep blue.
The wind is fierce and there is a briskness in the air.
I will attempt to....
Let Go...
And Let God.
I am heart sick regarding a few things my children are dealing with.  I will continue to fight amd find out what is wrong with my son medically.  I will try to approach the things with my daughter gently.
That's all I can do for today.

Therapy

Sometimes the best therapy a soul needs is spending time with one of your best friends.  Even if it entails dragging your 4 children along, sans husbands and the 5th child.
No expectations from either one of us.
Just being able to be.
Laugh at each others quirkiness.
Being able to tell each others childen to shut up with no fear the friend will be offended.  ((I so need to work on patience and not say shut up 6594 times))
Having your 2 littles play with no bickering...quietly and be appropriate.
Laugh (or puke) till you want to pass out.
Having your friend take your son so you can go to a fancy dinner with your husband for his conference he was attending.
It is moments like these that I hope to hold onto. To remember during the dark and dreary times.  That others get 'me' and likewise.
~~~~~
To Annon whom I know reads both my blog and my friends...we are onto where you are from.  Our children are happy, attached, and doing well. Despite your know it all attitude...
So help me God if you feel the need to tell either one of us we should have never had children or adopted again...I will pay for the upgraded ISP tracking service and not only know with in a mile of where you are but your actual address!!  I have no patience for bullshit like yours.  It is people like you who give mental illness of all kinds a bad name! 

Update: Obviously, someone was a tad paranoid.  Still didn't hide your info.  Just told me that you attempted to hide your info.

It is Friday

And...
For that I can be thankful!!
Usually Friday is my Thursday.
Not today.
As an added bonus I am only working those morning.

~~~~~~~~

For whatever reason....one I care not to go into details right now...I prefer to stay on a lower dose of lamictal.  Last night my dh asked me what dose I was taking.  Suggested maybe it was time to up it to the next dose...(I was supposed to do that 2 weeks ago).   Contrary to my inner desires...I took the higher dos this am.

Interesting

I find it very interesting the whole 'ISP' tracking.

I have someone who reads my blog sometimes several times a day..based on where the 2 different ISP are coming from..the same town/state/country....I have put 2 and 2 together and now I know where this person works.  Either that or the Dept of Foreign Affairs finds this piddly blog interesting.  I would gather not so much on the interesting part.  I am curious if IPhone us is not allowed af work or what the deal is.

Im being snarky ...I know ..and truthful be told...I am always snarky.

I also have a local reader (or two).  whom I am 99% sure I know who it is.  Even though the ISP is always somewhat different....the search terms are always the same.  Telling me it is the same person.

I find the whole ttechnical computer stuff interesting..I may just take up computers.

Ahem ..4 hours

Often I got to the end of my work day by piece by piece!  Literally !

I have just ~4 hours left in my work week.  Thank God!  Seriously , I am so sick of people I could puke .  There is nothing glamour filled abi spending 12+ hrs in a car with my husband and son....oh but the pay off is so worth it.

I do believe that a piece of this depression cycle is the pure need for a break.  With a mini vacation.  The re fill your cup kind of vacation.  I need this with my family , too.

It is my hope and prayer the time we have those weekend (sans my daughter she is staying home with my friend who was going to dog sit for us), the time spent in Orlando with dear friends..old and new...mixed with some other stuff (self care and Dr related)...there will be a shift.  A much needed shift.

My B12 is low...again.  I will get a shot this weekend and will be due again on 2 weeks as an added booster.  I don't give myself shots so I will need to remember to have my dh give it to me when I get back from Orlando.  He said take it with and do it myself...uh I know myself I won't.

My Vitamin D is good!!  which made ms feel good this morning when I read that.  My ferriten and TIBC are fair.  Not where it should be.  But not horrific.  So hopefully getting the B12 along with other stuff back on track will help.