The Courage to Heal

Today I opened the book:  "The Courage to Heal:  A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.     !!!!holy hannah intense is an understatement!!!!

I am not naive.  I knew it would be intense.  I knew there would be parts that were tough.  I barely got to the end of the Preface without an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear.  The effects that sexual abuse has had on me in my life....clearly screaming loud and clear.  I have put the book down and walked away on several occasions in the last several hours.  Unable to read any further.  Paralyzed with fear.  It isn't the fear of feeling unsafe, being abused, or feeling vulnerable.  The fear of speaking...breaking the silence...breaking the power that it has had over me.

Over the last several years I've remained in a world of denial, so to speak.  For nearly 35 years I've maintained silence.  If I don't speak about it.  It didn't happen, right?  Not so much.  I've protected myself.  I've been able to only let bits and pieces of this and that out in the open as I felt safe to do so.  I've been unable to figure out how or why there is such power in not speaking about the details.

The writing exercise at the end of the first chapter is geared towards the way it has affected me and still does.  What kinds of things do I still carry in the terms of my feelings of self worth, my relationships, sexuality, work, ect ect.  It also suggests writing about strengths I've developed because of the abuse. And a few other positives in my life.

As part of the writing method it suggests sharing what you write relatively soon after writing it with a friend, loved one, therapist, someone...ect ect.  I've wrote very openly here on this blog.  However, I'm not sure I'm able (or wanting) to expose myself in this manner here on this blog.  I'm struggling with what sort of balance.  Obviously, sharing these writings with my therapist would be helpful.  And I'm sure at some point will.  I also know that J* reads this blog from time to time.  It is helpful for both of us.  She is able to see me in a different view point...often uncensored, so to speak.    I wish this blog was on word press.  Being able to "password protect" certain posts is VERY VERY attractive to me. 

I could make this blog private.  However, I'm not sure that want to deal with that aspect.  I blog for ME and ME only.  However, as I've said before...if along the way someone...somewhere finds strength in what I've wrote, is able to know that they are not alone....then damn it was worth exposing myself.  I know how much comfort I've received from reading other posts of fellow bloggers.  Some whom I know very intimately.  Many whom all I know is their screen name or blogger name.  Whatever it might be...it has been a life line that I am so thankful that I've had.

I've rambled....I know (you read here often you know that happens...OFTEN).

I will end with something that touched my heart today. Made me smile.  Made me think of my sweet ETAAM Soul Sisters....the intimate group of "tiara wearing mamma's" and how much I miss each of them!! 

Melding our worlds!

Top of the World  (click link to read)
Love this blog post.  Simple.  Very simple.  Explains so much yet in such an eloquent and simple way.
Unless you have lived a day ....a week...a month in this life you have no clue.
It isn't always just a choice.  It isn't always just a medication.  It isn't always just as easy as it often seems from the outside looking in.  Choosing to live vs give up....it SHOULD be an easy choice.  It isn't.  And fuck if you have NEVER had that struggle than you have no idea how damn lonely...isolating it is.

Melding our worlds sounds awesome to me.

Silence the Mind

Silence the Mind....holy buckets is this ever true!!  My sgtruggles today are just that....the mind.  The constant chatter.  The constant negative whirlwind of activity. 

I could somewhat feel this coming on.  I hoped and prayed that this time would be different.  Oh my head did I ever.  Actually, I think I have wrote this before.  I know I've told J* this before. 

Last night as I sat in my dark living room; no tv, radio, noise of any kind.  No computer.  Nothing.  Just sitting in my husbands recliner....in complete silence and dark.  Trying hard to silence the whirlwind of thoughts. 

Earlier in evening before my night went from crap to shit in .02 seconds, I limit (more than I already have been) the blogs that I read.  I've had 2 separate blog posts today that just increased my 'you suck(ed) mindset'.  I try very hard to read w/an open mind, heart, and take little to no offense.  After reading the 2nd post...I have decided to scale way back for a few days.  Somehow, I need to find some balance and not add insult to injury.

Reved Up

My internal system is on fast forward.  It is spinning at 100 mph with no end in sight.

I saw H* again yesterday.  Making it very clear "I did not want to go back down the road we were on Thursday.   She agreed."  Energy and some deep tissue work was our goal.  It was what I needed and felt right.  I left balanced,  very regulated and in a really good place.  Which is where I've been for the most part the last few weeks.  Few exceptions here and there.   But generally pretty ok.

And then.....

I took the effexior about 2 hours before my appt with my psychiatrist.   It was late(r) in the morning.  Lord have Mercy!!!

By the time I got to her office I was in a spot that wasn't good.  It REALLY reved my system up.  And just under 24 hours later...it is still that way.

I'm uncertain if it is anxiety, blood pressure or what it is.  Damn if I've not slept.  I fanfare concentrate to save my soul.  Thoughts spinning 100 mph.

I just told my husband.."I want off the crazy train.  I can't keep this up."  He just looked at me with no response.

I'm tired and weary.  The last 3-4 weeks it has taken every ounce of my energy to stay above aster.  I can't even imagine where I would be emotionally if I was working.  The financial stress is high.  But I'm able to logically look at it from a perspective and hopeful that my shoulders will get better!

I've have had a few comments and have not posted them for privacy reasons.  I do appreciate them.  I will be looking into each of the different suggestiond given.  And know I will not post private comments with your personal info: such as email address in the comment.

Have a great day!!

Sunday Evening Babbling

I love this picture.  I love this quote.  Courage....doesn't always roar that is for sure.

I have a very long day of appts tmw.  In the mix of it all I'm trying to find some sort of something.  Life is happening and doing so at an ever increasing speed.  How I managed to get to the end of today w/o some sort of meltdown is a miracle.  When we got home this afternoon I found some quiet time in a hot bath.  Long enough to gather my thoughts, play a few rounds of Draw Something, and get back up again. 

Nearing the 2 week mark on this new medication.  I see my psychiatrist tmw afternoon.  Heart palpatations or high blood pressure - not sure which it is - still happening.  Damn is all I have to say about it.  The one positive note at this point is there has been on increase in suicidal ideation/thoughts, ect ect.  That being said....I'm still hopeful. 

**To the comment from yesterdays post:
THANKS!  I asked my dh about the PTA book. We had one from our last school.  He said he thought we had one and would try to look into it. If not he would find out from the school/teacher if there is something like that available.    As for myo-fascia release -- I will definately discuss it w/my chiropractor (his clinic is the only one covered w/in my insurance) and see who w/in his clinic(s) does something like this.  He doesn't do a ton of forceful adjustments and will often do more massage and stretching.  I will talk to him for suggestions and ideas.

Day....11 and Random Ramblings

I have upped the dose of this new medication. 
I have not taken it today.  It is still early.  I may take the original dose a bit later on the day.

Yesterday was bad in the realm of my blood pressure being high.  I'm not used to having this happen.  As I have stated before, generally it's on the low side.

PT for my shoulder was rough yesterday.  She is certain my shoulder is in the beginning stage of being frozen.  It wasn't on Wednesday.   The injection has not absorbed properly.   The PT got another PT to come in and check things out.  They were going to be contacting my drs office.  They did light massage and worked on reducing the swelling that she could see.  They also packed my entire shoulder with ice compress.  And told me I need to get in for a massage and come back on Monday for another round of what they did yesterday.

I have a full day of appts on Monday from 9-3.  Should be long day.

My son is struggling.  He wants other kids to play with.  I don't know how to fix that for him.  I've tried to encourage him to bring phone numbers of classmates home with no success.  Suggestions would be great.

My dh spoke to the clinical staff where both of our therapist work out of.  One of their receptionist called to see if I would like to speak to their oncall person yesterday.  I don't do phone calls with therapist unless it is my own.  I sure as he'll wouldn't talk to someone I don't know on the phone.  And it wasn't an emergency that on call staff had to call.  Ugh! !  I guess dh thought I was needing to speak to them. 

I googled our sons name a few weeks ago.  The one that we disrupted.  It was not a good idea.  He is tall...he is big.  Hey has several y.outube videos and it hurts my heart.

Strength in the Broken Places

Finding strength in the broken places can be exhausting.  This is exactly where I'm at this evening as I try and find strength in those places that have left me raw and vulnerable.

I often find myself struggling with bits and pieces of the broken places.

I'm fortunate to have found an amazing massage therapist who is compassionate about the work she does.  After receiving two cortisone injections that left me in extreme amount of pain last night and today I was somewhat hesitant to have a massage.  Knowing that I needed to go...I embarked on a journey today that left me somewhat speechless.

I've spent a majority of the last several hours after leaving my massage trying to process what exactly happened. What I know is....This afternoon I had an experience that left me truly struggling to catch my breathe.  To find strength where there is very little.  It was something that took me completely by suprise.  And has left me trying to find the strength I know I have and hold on tight.  What a blessing it is to have a massage therapist who is passionate about the work she does and was able to guide me back to place of being present, to a place that I was safe and would remain safe and more importantly express to me her knowledge and understanding in what happened as she gentle touched a scar on my head.  Being able to know what happened and understand it is crucial

Much to my surprise when she asked me "How did you get that scar?" I was able in a matter of fact manner tell her.  And even more suprising was able to elaborate on a bit more of  'my story'.  The one that I try so very hard to hide.  And have went to great lengths not to discuss, supress and just move on.

Earlier this week I ordered a few different books.  I'm hoping that these books will give me the Courage that I need to continue healing.

My shoulders are both signficantly better this evening than when I got up this morning.  Still pretty dang painful but much better than they were earlier in the day.

Well $h!T

In the last 24 hours I've said...

Well Shit....on more than one occasion.  I am somewhat proud of myself.  Only one of those times was it something more obscure; including more swear words.

I decided to make lemonaide out of lemons today.  Inviting the Work Comp Nurse C.Manager to join me 'in the room' while at my orthopedic consult today.  I have nothing to hide.  I NEED and WANT there to be no issues with this.  I know from experience that when a nurse is assigned to your case....it is the first step to having it denied.  It is just a matter of time.  I made it very clear that I WANT to get back to work.  Sure the break was nice.  Reality is....I work for a reason. I need the income.  Plain, cut, simple and DRY!!!

I'm hurting this evening....a TON!!  It's all I can do not to cry.  No amount of Tylenol, ice, heat or anything is helping.  Two cortisone injections...one in each shoulder.  blech.  I have a consult for decompression surgery at the end of April.

Adding insult to injury...my blood pressure was high this morning.  I thought maybe it was because of being nervous and upset with having another person that I did not know accompany me to the orth consult.  This evening I had it rechecked when I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.  It was still high. Not as high as earlier...but high enough.  And my exact thoughts were...Well...SHIT.  I've known for a few days it was creeping up there.  I generally have a rather low blood pressure.  Around 110/70 is usually the highest it goes.  This morning it was much higher.  MUCH MUCH higher.  I've got an idea.  It's more than nerves and pain.  And well...SHIT!!  I don't tell my mom much.  However, when I told her my BP was high the very first thing she said "the new med you are on can have a tendency to do that, you know?"  No...I didn't know.  Honestly, I want to just scream.  The jittery crap still happening.  Continued and got even more pronounced this morning when the dose was doubled.  Well...SHIT!  As I mentioned few posts ago, there are other things going on that need to be addressed.  I don't have it in me. I want this medication to work and will have to be in a really  REALLY bad space before I give up.  Fortunately, I've not struggled with daily suicidal thoughts for a few weeks.  (Other than right after my appt w/the new doctor...those first few days were clearly situational....)  However, I'm slowly able to tell that they are creeping back in.  Always starting at night. 

Thank heaven my sons high fever is done.  Last night we had about an hour of my lil guy screaming he was in pain, high fever (103.6 and then 104.1 about 20 minutes after the 103.6 was taken).  After it came done he seemed to do better.  Fell asleep in our bed.  He's maintained a 100.1-102.6 temp most of today.  He felt well enough to go to W.algreens with me and get a treat and medication. 

I'm in limbo.  In need of seeing my therapist. I don't want to call my pdoc bc she isn't a therapist when it comes down to it.  And as 'well versed' as one would think that I am with the clinic that I go to....seeing someone new is rather anxiety inducing.  I'm not sure what to do.  Struggling to keep my head above water.

I have a massage tomorrow afternoon.  My chiropractor has been asking me to consider seeing her again.  Hoping I can get some sort of relief...or a TON of relief.

Headaches

No real post tonight.  The negatives continue w/this medication.  At this very moment it is something I'm able to live with.  Not sure how long I will be able to tolerate the headaches.  After about 3-4 days I become unbearable to live with and can't function as the headaches continue.  Hoping they even out...quickly.

Day 5 Efexior

Jittery crap still happening.  Severity not as bad.  Enough that I'm hesitant to up the dose on 2 days.
It takes a few weeks I know to see a difference.  I also know from experience generally around Day 4-6 on an antidepressant....I begin to start feeling REALLY GOOD and don't need sleep, want to clean everything, ready to be on the go none stop, sexual interest is beyond the norm, cook non stop and I'm not interested in eating.
Day 5 has brought on all of the above.  It's a tough balance.  I'm fearful of "the fall" that I'm used to happening.   Praying or stays away and this medication will be the one that changes things for the better.