~Don't Believe~

Yikes.  Is this one ever hard for me to believe!!

Somewhere along the line this concept became a reality for me.

Believing what I think. 
Believing that I am less than perfect.
Believing that I will never achieve my the goals, wants and desires. 
Believing that I am not a good mother.
Believing that because the child we adopted could not live in and/or return to our home that I had failed as a HIS mother and would/still was failing as the mother to my other children.
Believing that I had failed my children and was failing as a wife.

Along the line, I believed that I could not hold a full-time job. And it was just a matter of time before I was fired or layed off or just up and quit.  It was something that had been a reality nearly all of my adult life.  And once I had my children, it became an even bigger reality. 

It wasn't until several months ago when one of my sweet soul sisters posted on my FB wall this video. And trust me...I've been to therapy (if you couldn't tell) and I know these things. Somehow hearing it in this song was truly what my soul needed to hear. My dh got mad bc I played that video over and over and over and over....for days. I listened to it till I could sing word for word. I bought the CD. I would drive to/from work w/the song on repeat. Often...tears would flow as I listened and tried to remember....that I am Perfect! And damn it all why do I need to believe anything different?

This continues to be a daily struggle.  I'm quite certain it won't end in the near future.  I can try.  We all can try.  And that is all we or I can hope for.

~Just take a nap~

.....another post taken from my drafts.

I often take naps.  Often. It is a coping mechanism that came about sometime ago.  I can't even tell you when.  Over the last few weeks...I've taken lots of naps.  Finding a happy-medium and remembering their needs to be moderation in all things.  Even with how often you need to take naps.

A Pair of Shoes

A Pair of Shoes


I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.



Each day I wear them,

and each day I wish

I had another pair.


Some days ...

my shoes hurt so bad

that I do not think ...

I can take ...

another step.


Yet ... I continue to wear them.


I get funny looks

for wearing these shoes.



I can tell in others eyes

that they are glad

they are my shoes

and not theirs.


They never talk about my shoes.



To learn how awful my shoes are

might make them uncomfortable.



To truly understand these shoes

you must walk in them.




But, once you put them on,

you can never take them off.



I now realize that I am not the

only one who wears these shoes.


There are many pairs in this world.


Some women ache daily

as they try and walk in them.


Some have learned how to walk in them

so they don't hurt quite as much.


Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go by before they

think about how much they hurt.


No woman deserves to wear these shoes.


Yet ... because of these shoes,

I am a stronger woman.


These shoes have given me

the strength to face anything.


They have made me who I am.


I will forever walk in the shoes

of a woman

who had to disrupt her adoption

in order to protect.

the other children in her home.

I will forever walk in the shoes

of a woman

who struggles

with

depression and anxiety.

Thankfullness Project Monday

Breaking the blogging break...for the Thankfulness Project Monday Post.  It has been a few weeks since I've posted this. I need to try very hard to do this each week and not let myself get so deep into depression cycle that I don't do it.

• Medical Care
  I'm not always very thankful for the my medical team.  I am very blessed to have a wonderful PCP, PCP-PA (who is just an absolute doll), Psychiatrist and Therapist.  Each of these 4 ladies is beautiful in their own way.  Frustrations aside...I love each of them for various different reasons. 

• InsuranceI am very blessed to have a very good insurance policy.  My employer offers this plan to me at no cost.  I will begin paying a small portion ofmy insurnace costs starting next year.  I'm okay with this.  I have wonderful insurance and I've had to turn down employment in the past because the insurance did not have a very good mental health policy. I'm blessed beyond measure to have this benefit at my employment.  It comes at a very high price at times since my choice of career at this moment tends to be very triggersome.

• Massage TherapistWhat a blessing Heather has been in my life. I've been very blessed to have the ability to get frequent massages.  it seems that every single time I think/say "I'm going to spread these out"...something happens.  Somewhere along the line - my shoulder acts up, my head attempts to exploding (like this week) or something and I end up back at square one.  Heather is very good at what she does.  She is very passionate at what she does.  Because of this she has a very unique ability that I've not been able to find in any other massage therapist. 

• Summer Sweet Corn and Chocolate Marshmellow IcecreamCrazy I know.  But for tonight...it is all good in the dinner department.  Oh' what a lovely and easy dinner we had. I hate to cook. I hate it.  I rarely ever cook.  This evening our dinner included:  Cresc. rolls with peperoni and canadian bacon - rolled up with a 1/2 string cheese, GRILLED sweetcorn. We googled grilled sweetcorn and came up with 3 different ways to grill.  The best way would be that of "wrapping it in butter, salt/pepper, and foil."  and of course our dessert was icecream!

This post was wrote earlier in the week.  A day or so after my Uncle passed away.

I've not been around my Aunt and Uncle much since I got married.  I moved back to my home state 18 years ago this fall.  Prior to doing so, I spent a great deal of time w/my Aunt D and Uncle D.  They were truly my heros. I looked up to them. I watched every single bit of their parenting.

 My Aunt D was as sarcastic and religious as they come.  She loves the Lord.  She loves her husband.  She loves her children.  And my Uncle D was as gentle as any man I knew.  He loved his wife.  Oh' did he love his wife.  He adored each of his 4 children.  Shortly after I came back to my home state they added to their family.  Their baby turned 16 the day D passed away.

I wasn't acutely aware of D's issues with depression.  It is a givenn when you live in constant pain.  Approx. 10 years ago D had an accident and hurt his back.  Not long after that my dh had a very similiar injury to his back.  I hope and pray that my dh's issues w/his back never get as severe as my Uncle D's did. 

The last time I saw D was 2 years ago when we our family visited Wa State for Easter Break.  My children met the other side of my family. That they never had any idea was there.  My daughter made a connection with D & D's youngest daughter.  We adored Lil J.  Who is not so little anymore.  She is a beautiful 16 yr old young lady.  Without a daddy.  Dear Lord my heart breaks for her.

My Aunt/Uncle are really the only people who know about the abuse that I endured at the hand of their brother/brother-in-law.  When I lived with my grandparents and my aunt and uncle = D/D made it very clear to me that my birth vessel was never to be seen on any of their property.  And even more so that I was justified in my feelings/thoughts about him.  My mother knows.  She chooses to ignore and be in denial.  She was abused greatly by him.  My Aunt and Uncle were very aware of the abuse she endured at the hand of his addictions and stupidity.

The emotions I've had over D's death have been wide.  Anger, hurt, pure sadness...and joy and happiness.  Those last 2 seem a bit odd in a way.  However, not so much when you've lived several years a life of suicidal ideation.  And I'm sure in my Uncle D's case a decade of uncontrollable pain.  He can dance freely.  And there is no doubt in my mind he is racing those cars, dancing and rejoicing in heaven as he is no longer in pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So much more to say.  However, as I said in yesterday's post....I need to take a break.  I will be posting a few "drafts" over the next lil bit.

Sometimes....

...on my other blog I've taken blogging breaks.

Sometimes, that consists of only a few days.
Sometimes, that can consist of longer periods of time.
Sometimes, I don't even know what it is that I'm thinking/wanting/needing from that particular break.

I'm not positive I believe this quote.  However, I will try to embrace it.  Try and find meaning behind it.

I had a therapy appt this morning that left my head spinning a tad more than usual.  I get that J was thinking out loud and attempting to figure out which direction we need to move fwd in.  However, it left me feeling very unsettled!  I know it wasn't her intent. I know that therapy isn't supposed to be roses and rainbows.  I know it is her job to put these things out there.  In no way did it offend me.  Yet, at the same time she hit a very very raw spot.  One that I'm not even able to put words to.  I wish I could.  Maybe if I could, she could feel like she was helping me....or better yet..I..could help myself.  What I can say is..until I know what I need....I'm not sure J or anyone else can help me.  Today more than ever am feeling very beaten down (again nothing J said...just my own thought process and such) and completely a failure.  Because seriously....who the hell is in therarpy long term as in several years w/o knowing what they want/need?

So for now and the hours/days ahead I will ponder....why I was given this life?  and how it will leave me strong enough to live it.

I may/may not - post a Thankfulness Monday Project.  I've got a few drafts that I've not published bc I've felt particularly vulnerable lately and have left them out in cyber-draft-land.

~Swirling~

I had/have a blog post swirling about this very quote.  I had started the post yesterday morning while I was sitting at work on-call.  When I found out about my Uncle Dan, I was unable to compose it.  I sat down this morning in hopes that I could finish it.  Instead, I deleted the post. 

Our childhood can kill the dreams we often have.  I know there are a few different things that happened my senior year of high school that significantly killed the dream that I ever had of "going to college and getting a college degree."  This particular tape is one that has (and still does) play rather loud and often gets stuck on repeat.

I'm not going to be composing that post. It was deleted this morning.  I am still trying to process my Uncle D's death and the impact that it will forever hold on his beautiful family.  His children, who are my age.  Whom, when we were younger we were very very close!!  Trying to process the fact that I live half a nation away and feel even further away.  There is nothing more than I would love to do right now than to board a plane and fly 1/2 way across the US...just so I could sit in the presense of my beautiful Aunt and her children.  To hug them, cry with them, just to bask in their sweet spirits. 

I'm sure my Uncle D had many different things that killed his dreams.  His life was successful.  Very.  Until an accident that took away his ability to work in his business.

I will forever remember his infectious smile, his calm personality, his pure hatred for my birth father that was SOOOO validiating to me (i hate him, too), his love for his Father in Heaven and even more...his love for his wife and children.

No words

I really don't get it!

And yet, I DO get it!

This morning I managed to pull myself together and go to work.  I sat oncall for 3 hours.  Barely keeping myself together.  When I read a FB status from my cousin that read "I never imagined loosing my daddy would be so hard....I love you..your - -."

My heart sank as I realized my uncle Dan passed away last night.  On his dd's 16th birthday.

I was in T.arget 2 hours later when I was called and told that my Uncle Dan committed suicide last night.

I am devastated. I GET IT.  Yet, I don't!

Pissed.
Hurt.
Sad.
Shocked.

Dear Lord...why?  It has been the only thing I can muster up the strength to really think/say!!

just a thought

and I'm all out!!
and I'm pretty pissy about it!!

So if you are in the area...please bring me some chocolate and a VERY cold DIET soda.  IDC what kind of diet...just diet!!

There is.....

......Sunshine in my soul today.  So glorious and.......

*not really but I can pretend*

While trying very hard not to burst into tears bc some jackhole passenger decided to spew sh@t my direction today....i burst out singing in my horrible singing tine of voice....

THERE IS SUNSHINE IN MY SOUL TODAY.  He shut up and said I was a crazy bitch.  I agreed with him that I am crazy.