Living in the Dark - Guest Post for My Daily Jenn-ism

The following is the blog post I wrote for Jenn for her March Mental Health Awareness Month Guest Blog posts. Thank you Jenn for opening up your blog and giving a voice to the many areas of mental health this month (and often). If you've not been to My Daily Jenn-ism. head on over..you may just want to go check her out.

LIVING IN THE DARKNESS

Readers of my blog know that I’ve struggled with various forms of depression and suicidal ideation off and on for several years.  Consistently since my youngest was born in 2002. The intensity spiked up ten notches after I had gastric bypass and the ability to absorb medication properly came to an abrupt halt in 2004.

Some days I believe I am the Queen of Suicidal Ideation.  I imagine my psychiatrist believes the same thing.  Several years ago, shortly after I was released from a short inpatient hospitalization, she said to me “Do you really believe you will eventually kill yourself?”  I can’t even tell you what my response to her was.  What she said next, I know I will never forget.  Ever.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to process.  I didn’t process it.  I didn’t even let it affect me.  She was right.  I knew it.  And just like many other areas things in my life...I stuffed what she said...deep down in the ‘don’t go there’ emotional bin.  

It wasn’t until about 18 months ago, when she said it to me again, that it dug deep. Even deeper than the first time. When I left her office, I spent another hour sitting in my car.  Processing what she said.  The depth of her comment.  And how incredible hard it was to hear.  

“__, I’m not convinced you won’t kill yourself.  And that haunts me each night.”

This was a continued conversation regarding medication, the lack of being able to take them, being at the end of another failed attempt, and pure frustration for both of us.  

I had no hope at that point and the pros/cons of being hospitalized was thrown around. To hear Dr. KSB confirm she didn’t have that hope, was a bit devastating.  Initially, few years earlier, it didn’t have the same effect.

I contemplated never going back to see her.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist that specializes in gastric bypass, whom I had seen when I was in the hospital, whom had done an evaluation on me prior to my WLS, and whom even though I didn’t like...I did trust his knowledge was extensive.  It was a 6 month wait to see him.  I was desperate when I scheduled that appointment.  The appointment came and went.  He confirmed that I was seeing one of the best psychiatrists and that I needed to continue my treatment with her.  He gave me his recommendations and sent them to Dr. KSB.  Telling me to follow-up with her in a week or two.  He also, added several dx to my permanent chart.  That appointment was a year ago.  None of his recommendations were options at the time.  Dr. KSB has left the one recommendation as a last case scenario.  Agreeing that the only way she would suggest it being an option, would be if there was an attempt to end my life.  It would be, as he said...”LAST CASE SCENARIO”.  

And so...I continue to see her.  

She knows me. I know her. She trusts me (I think). I trust her.  

And she knows that filling me with all sorts of medications is not an option.  

At my last appointment with Dr. KSB, we discussed the current state of my marriage.  My husband and I are both patients of hers.  Once again, she told me ‘my gut tells me you would not survive a separation or divorce’.  Damn as much as I know that. It is harder to hear it.  Once again, I sat in my car for a good hour after my appointment trying to process what she had to say.

Currently, mental illness waxes and wanes in my life.  There are a few good days here and there.  There are suicidal days where I’m holding on to the last bit of the frayed string, trying everything in the book to stay alive.  Some days all I can do is lay on the couch and watch my dogs play, listen to my children's voices, fighting against everything to hold on to their sweet voices.  Praying and hoping against all hope that the depression will lift.  Leave me alone.  At least for a day.  

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t suicidal.  I had more than an entire day without the constant thoughts of hurting myself, the bad thoughts, the self hatred, and self harm impulses.  Just sadness.  Sadness that this is my life.  The next few days, I wasn’t so lucky.

That is the nature of this beast.  The last 18-24 months this has been my life.  It is a constant battle to get up every day.  Some days, the darkness lifts.  

Everybody Hurts by REM rings a bell.  I woke up thinking about this song this morning.

And so....I leave you with that.

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Cries.

Hold On.

EVERYBODY HURTS Youtube Link

~~~~~~~~
And I will add I've had a bad week of suicidal ideation.  Self harm crap has been sky high.  My BFF informed me I'm to negative and need to try to increase positive in my life.  And while I know she is right, when every ounce of my energy is taken by going to work....there is nothing left.  Excuse?  Sure as hell is.  Bit it is where I'm at.  I have went as far as have plan in place and need to be talked down off the ledge by one of my Orlando Moms.  She gets this place.  I know she does.  And somehow that makes it that much harder.

Jenn added the following to this post. And I will do the same.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

No matter what problems you are struggling with, hurting yourself isn't the answer. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a counselor at a Lifeline crisis center near you.

Someone loves you and someone WILL miss you.  I promise! 

Guest Post: Living in The Dark

I had decided to not write this post because it was to painful.  And then I read the text from Jenn that said something on the lines of 'I would imagine it will be somewhat therapeutic'. 

And so...I did. 
And it was incredible painful.
And.....here it is. 

Another brain dump.  As Jenn states...it may be hard to read.  Even for me...who wrote it.  A week later it had me in tears as I read it on Jenn's blog this morning.

**click link below**
My Daily Jenn-ism: Living in the Dark By: I Will Get Up Again and Again

When Getting Up is Hard to Do....

When those days and moments are incredibly tough...to get up, continue moving forward, and just to be....

Having this photo pop up on my phone screen saver takes the edge off just a little.

It is a reminder that, even though it is incredibly lonely right now, I don't walk this alone.

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I was able to 'just be'.  Sure the shitty stuff was still there.  Sure the urge to snap at those I love most was there.  Sure the impulse and need for emotional release.... all still there.

I was able to just let it be! 

This morning the self sabbtoge was even greater.  And even the littlest of positives were over ridden with the need to continue to sabbtoge.

I'm here. I'm working. I'm up.

Sun Comes Up...

Whether I like it or not...

The sun comes up every day.  I stood along the shore in Melbourne, Fl  nearly 2 weeks ago and watched this sunrise over the shore.  My heart filled with so many different emotions.

I did not want to get up that morning.  Getting up meant being up earlier than my work days.  I had slept all of abt 4-6 hours in a 48 hour time frame.  And I didn't want to move.

I had 3 other moms relying on me.  They were riding with me.  Since I am the driver of the rental car...I needed to take them.

Things such as 'it is just a sunrise....we all have seen the sun....' same out of lips as I rolled out of bed.  Cursing the sun for rising.

Little did I know the profound effect that morning would have on my heart.

It was cold.  Very cold...38 degrees cold.  I flew from the Frozen Tundra...not to freeze my ass off at 530am....but I did it. 

I am glad I did.

As I looked into the lens of my camera ...my heart sank at the endless beauty.

And as I stood on that bitted cold shore the we hours of the morning of March 7....I was reminded that one more day..The Sun did Rise!!

And then it was over...

Each year the ETAAM experience has been drastically different.

This year I went with different expectations for myself than in the past.  I went wanting to be able to push the darkness aside and bask in the love and friendship that has been created.  Put aside the marital issues that keep me awake more than I sleep.

And while I did fill up on that love.  It didn't really do much for tht dark space that I've been in.

The uncertainty of what laid head of me when I came home weighed heavy on my heart. I see there are babysteps and in some areas I'm hopeful. And then as soon as that hope shines a little brighter ..I'm smacked with another doozy. 

Being positive and setting that part aside was pretty damn tough.  Overwhelmed with all different emotions regarding why I was there caught me off guard.  Things that I thought I was at peace with....reared its ugly head...and...had the scab picked off.  And while I could have at anytime talked to just abt anyone abt tht scab I choose not to for variety of reasons.

This post is all over then place I know. When I'm able to sit down at my computer I have a few "brain dumps" as I like to call my blog posts.

Wilderness - Just Breathe

I was hoping to post pictures that I've taken that go along with the March Photo a Day - Journey Theme.  However, this picture kind of settles with me under 'wilderness'.  Remebering to JUST BREATHE is hard.  And it is one that when we remember to breathe we are able to move fwd in a positive direction.

~Lonely~

Depression is lonely.
When I look at this picture of our 18 month old Silver/Black Pug...I think of how I feel sometimes.  He's not a pathetic looking sad dog.  Instead, he's full of life.  He still has tons of puppy left in him.

His brother, Max who will be 6 yrs old in a few months...he is always the best of friends when I'm lonely, sad, or depressed.  Or even when I'm not.  He's my pal.  I can't imagine life w/out him.

Day 2 - Scary

Red Rock Canyon
Las Vegas, Nevada

Watching my son, daughter, and husband climb up these rocks....was scary.  It took my breathe away.  My little guy was just barely 8 yrs old.  He faced his fears.  And momma watched in awe.

Journey

The Photo Theme for March over at is: Just Be. Love All. Live Life

In doing some research on a topic I came across this blog.  This is the first and only post I've read and I love it.  I can't promise that I will be able to "participate" every single day.  However, I will do my very best.

As she writes "we journey from dark to light during March, as spring begins."  I can be hopeful that "I" can take that same transformation in my own life and journey.  As the light has been turned off for quite sometime.  It would be awesome to have the light flicker back on and stay on.

And so...in the spirit of "Journey" I am going to 'attempt' to post a photo a day.

Lone-li-ness

I've thought a great deal lately about loneliness.  I can't really say it is because I'm feeling lonely.  Although, extreme marital distress/issues and severe depression  that continue to stare me in the face tend to increase that feeling tenfold.

In general, I've been thinking about how it is easy to be lonely in just about any situation we face in life.  It isn't very new to me at the moment as I've veen pretty dang lonely in my marriage and in the midst of friendships.

Some weeks days it is just plain hard to be human....to be alive...to breathe.  It is hard to come to terms with the reality of our lives.  How we thought they would be.  How we envisioned our "for time and all eternity", "for better or worse", and so many other areas in life.  

Loneliness, sorrow, and disappointment seem to feed into each other.  For me they are extremely hard to separate at times.  For me they are extremely hard to separate at this time in my life.

Recent life events, at the darkest of days and my most depressed moments, I have felt incredible lonely.  So much so these moments/days/weeks have felt like they are going to kill me.  I've spent many hours sobbing uncotrollably in my car over the last several weeks. Unable to stop the tears.I've learned to drive while crying.  I know this isn't safe.  It has become a coping mechanism to get me to the end of each day.  I have cry through many different things each day.  If I give into this deepness of dispair and loneliness and commonly known as the black hole...I would never ever get out of bed.  Ever.  Functioning while crying constantly is still functioning.....at best I'm leaving my house to work, attend occupational therapy and regular therapy appointments....which at the end of the day regardless of how is functional.

I was raised in a predominatly Methodist family, before joining the LDS Church (which my bio family are all members) at the age of 15.  I've been taught and believed from a very young age that my Father in Heaven loved me.  That I was His Daughter and nothing I could do or say would change his love for me.  I was taught from a very young age how to pray.  During the years of trauma/abuse endured by my bio father, I remember praying over and over for him to forget about coming to get me.  My lack of faith in being alone in this experience over and over was the beginning of feeling as though my Father in Heaven had forgotten me, that loneliness that not a soul would understand....and...... the self talk as it does with trauma/abuse from a very young age was believed to be my truth...I was indeed alone. 

....to be continued...maybe later....maybe never!