Lone-li-ness

I've thought a great deal lately about loneliness.  I can't really say it is because I'm feeling lonely.  Although, extreme marital distress/issues and severe depression  that continue to stare me in the face tend to increase that feeling tenfold.

In general, I've been thinking about how it is easy to be lonely in just about any situation we face in life.  It isn't very new to me at the moment as I've veen pretty dang lonely in my marriage and in the midst of friendships.

Some weeks days it is just plain hard to be human....to be alive...to breathe.  It is hard to come to terms with the reality of our lives.  How we thought they would be.  How we envisioned our "for time and all eternity", "for better or worse", and so many other areas in life.  

Loneliness, sorrow, and disappointment seem to feed into each other.  For me they are extremely hard to separate at times.  For me they are extremely hard to separate at this time in my life.

Recent life events, at the darkest of days and my most depressed moments, I have felt incredible lonely.  So much so these moments/days/weeks have felt like they are going to kill me.  I've spent many hours sobbing uncotrollably in my car over the last several weeks. Unable to stop the tears.I've learned to drive while crying.  I know this isn't safe.  It has become a coping mechanism to get me to the end of each day.  I have cry through many different things each day.  If I give into this deepness of dispair and loneliness and commonly known as the black hole...I would never ever get out of bed.  Ever.  Functioning while crying constantly is still functioning.....at best I'm leaving my house to work, attend occupational therapy and regular therapy appointments....which at the end of the day regardless of how is functional.

I was raised in a predominatly Methodist family, before joining the LDS Church (which my bio family are all members) at the age of 15.  I've been taught and believed from a very young age that my Father in Heaven loved me.  That I was His Daughter and nothing I could do or say would change his love for me.  I was taught from a very young age how to pray.  During the years of trauma/abuse endured by my bio father, I remember praying over and over for him to forget about coming to get me.  My lack of faith in being alone in this experience over and over was the beginning of feeling as though my Father in Heaven had forgotten me, that loneliness that not a soul would understand....and...... the self talk as it does with trauma/abuse from a very young age was believed to be my truth...I was indeed alone. 

....to be continued...maybe later....maybe never!