Family

This may be long and choppy.
This may be raw and intense.
This may be short and sweet.

As I am traveling back to my home state, I will attempt to blog about some of the thoughts swirling about within.
Using this tablet with mobile internet tends to give me troubles as I type.

This past Saturday my parents and son and I headed out early Saturday morning for a 12 hour drive to attend a funeral.

My Uncle was a very godly man.  He loved and served the Lord with every moment he had a chance.  He raised his family to do the sae thing.  I can never recall hearing an unkind word of comment come from him.  His homecomin last week left his family sad and full of grief.  However, I am certain as he stood before the lord he could not have been any more proud.

His little church that he preached at for the last several years was not big enough to hold the amount of people that would come to pay their respects to the man/family that was so very loved and respected throughout the foothills of his state.  Over 550 people signed the guest book.  There were many who didn't and I'm sure many who would have came if they could have.

I sat at this funeral somewhat paralyzed with fear as I thought about my own immediate family and how their death would affect me.  And...my own death and how it would affect my family.

It has been no secret as ive blogged here about my strugges with depression  and suicidal thoughts. 

And this weekend has been no different.

My mother has been extremely judgemental on the mental health aspect of some of my aunts and uncles and their children.  Forgetting about my own struggles. So much so I have had on several times in the last few days to remove myself from the conversation, change subjects,  or just plain keep my mouth shut. 

This is the very reason why the depth of my struggles has been kept a secret from my family.  Other than my husband, there are very few people who are in my family and immediate circle who know how deep it goes.

I often hear people make harsh judgements about people who commit suicide and how they had no clue.  If they could hear themselves speak....the ones who are most educated, who have worked in the mental health field for overr 20 years, the ones who.....like my own family pretend and appear to the general public to care and understand....who make those of us on the other side truly know....they don't get it. 

I love my mother dearly.  I tell her just about everything.  I do not discuss this stuff.  Ever. Nor do I plan on it.  Ever.

I hope and pray that as my children grow older they can know how deeply their mother feels about this subject.  And how deeply I pray they can trust I will not be judgemental and hurtful.  Ever.

More....later....