Thursday, July 7, 2011

Managing Depression/Lights went out in GA or somewhere.../rant-long

I read this blog post on Managing Depression this evening on Sugar Filled Emotions blog.

Naturally (or not) I became rather ruffled by it the first time I read it.
And then I read it again.
And again.
And again. 
And again.

I think on the upward hand of 10 times I reread it over a 30 minute period of time. feathers were a ton LESS ruffled. 
And it made sense.
And.....I'm linking it to it in this post because it is good stuff. 
And...makes me think. 


Nothing I've not thought, read, been told 100+ times over and over and over again. 

Nothing new.


That being said.....

There were a few days the last week or so that the light at the end of the tunnel flickered on.
Stayed on. 
And was rather bright and sunny.
There was hope that snuck its way in.

The light has flickered back off.
Despite trying to think, do, be, or any of the things posted in the link....that light has stayed off.
And despite attempts to turn it back on, rise from the darkness that seems to be filling in the spaces....

Often there is a topic that seems to come up in therapy appts....I've blogged about it before. 
It was brought up again at my last appt.  I get where J is coming from.  On good days I can really get it. 
Orginally had an appt scheduled for today. I got my weeks messed up.  At my last appt. it was brought up and for various reasons I cancelled my appt for today.

Today would have probably been a first.  J often asks "how come you keep coming back here?  You cancel and don't attend other appts you make?"  yadda yadda yadda.....

Today would have been that first appt. that I would have cancelled.  Because, I just couldn't get myself there.  It must have been a tad obvious I wasn't doing so hot.  While getting my treatment today the nurse made some sort of comment about something (note to self:  keep ur fat mouth shut) and a few moments later she returned w/the social worker/therapist or whatever the hell she was.  I made it pretty clear that I have a therapist and didn't need to talk to one of theirs.  She made it pretty clear that obviously I wasn't in a very good space and it was her job to make sure that each of their patience  knows she is available to them. 

Whatever. I don't need some stranger butting into my life.  Telling me to get over it.  Telling me that it is in my head.  Telling me to just do whatever xyz and take this stupid pill.  Because, seriously....I take those damn pills.  I have attended the classes that were suggested to me, I've kept my therapy and pdoc appts...and yet here the hell I am...again in a damn bad dark spot.

So there you have looooooong rambling rant for the day.

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