Thursday, March 28, 2013

DBT, Self Sabotage, Fear, and Acceptance

This morning I received a phone call from the psychologist that facilitates the DBT group I previously attended.  I wasn't in a spot to talk to my therapist at the time the call came in and so I sent it straight to voicemail.

I know the DBT skills.  I was in the group for 9-10 months about a year and half ago.  I do use the tools I was taught.  However, there is a very strong part of me that is unable to use those tools from time to time. Okay, often I'm unable to use them.

As I drove home this afternoon from an appointment w/my orthopedic surgeon, the reality of I really do need to attend this group again.  Many feelings came up over the course of the next few hours.

This picture kind of illustrates some of those feelings. A small scared kitten...coming upon big bad puppies at the door in front of me.  Those puppies are nothing but lovable, endearing, and probably will be my best allies in due time. Just as healing can provide the same comfort.

Overwhelmed with fear.  Urges came to the surfaces.  Ones that I couldn't fight off.  I want to hide and run away at the same time.  I've wanted to do everything possible to not feel the true feelings about "What is really behind the emotions regarding this group..."  

I came home and took the DBT binder and put it in the trash.  Determined that I don't need this group.  I don't want to attend. I am overwhelmed with the thought of it.  And so, forget it. I'm not going there again.  Hell to the no.

This is where the self sabotage comes into play.  I have the opportunity to give this group a try again.  I have the opportunity to get the help that I need.  Not everyone is blessed with the ability to have unlimited mental health coverage like I do.  It comes at a high price (stress of my job) and I don't for a moment take it for granted.

What the hell am I so afraid of?  Why throw the damn book in the garbage?  WHY?  I took it out of the garbage.  Put it back in the drawer where I took out of and walked away.  The urges were more than I could fight off, again. I gave in.  Again.  For as long as there was hot water, I hide ran away from the intense feelings of where this was all coming from.  The fear became tears.  I could feel (or taste) the tears as I stood  in the hot shower.  I could feel those feelings.  And at that moment....I knew what the hell I'm so incredible afraid of.  What was driving the fear.  The self sabotage.  The self harm.

Holy Hannah it has taken me forever to write this admit it...what I'm afraid of..I'm stuck.  Stuck in being honest with myself.

I think I'm afraid of finding out who the real ME is.  I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to beat this.  I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to live the best life I can and it is a life worth living.  I'm afraid of finally having to feel the real emotions,  and figuring out at the end of the day, who "ME" is.  Oh my hell that is freaking terrifying...being afraid of yourself is scary as hell.

Typing that..,,took me over an hour.  In between puking and typing...I got it out there.

I've done DBT before.  I know what the work is.  I know it isn't easy.  Nothing in life worth fighting for is easy.  I fear that a second go around won't work.  And if that is the case I don't know what will.  I know that I need to find acceptance with where I am at the moment.  That taking things one step at a time is the only way out.

Yet it is so f*cking terrifying.  I am acutely aware of who one of the psychologist working with this group is.  She is understanding, compassionate, and she knows how incredible difficult dealing with this shit is.  I know she only expects each participant to do the best she can do and be honest with herself (and them).  It is all anyone can ask and it has to be enough.

My options right now are limited.
Self sabotage is not an option.
I know that I need to find healing.

I know that finding acceptance in all of this will come.  In due time.  My options for this evening and the days ahead are to breathe and accept the challenges that lay ahead of me and accepting this group is something that would be in my best interest (along with whatever type of treatment that is needed).

Not sure where I heard this fits perfectly with today's theme.

"Sometimes the most courageous act is showing love and kindness towards yourself..."

I need to remember this. I want to remember this. At the very moment I can't remember it.


Diana said...

You rendered me speechless with this one. You can do it. hard and scary? Yes. absolutely worth it? Definitely!!so very proud of you, too.

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

Oh my hell Diana you have no stinking clue how effn scary this is. I don't believe i'm worth it. you know that. i know that. and how do i remember this in the tough(est) times?

Angela :-) said...

I see that picture differently. I see a scary kitten and scared puppies. Maybe you are the scary kitten and the scared puppies are the things holding you back. You are worth it! You are important! You can do this. Be gentle with yourself.

Angela :-)

Sheri said...

Yes! Finally, yes.

howfortunate said...

I see why you're feeling the tension and resistance and BIG ROUND OF CHEERS for staying with it long enough to figure it out!
It's a big first step- I know you already know that, and it's not your first 'first step', lol, but I'm gonna cheer you on like it is, ok?

It doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't lived with a diminished sense of self for a long time, how the thought of being fully vibrantly alive and amazing can scare the bejeebus out of you, but I've been there....
I have some theories as to why, but it's late, and I'll never finish tonight if I start in on those, so let me get to the courage part:

Your brain is not going to let you just catapult from the bottom of a well into a hot air balloon miles above- that would be terrifying!
Even if you can logically foresee that successful group could end up with your self-esteem and emotional state light-years from where you are now, it's going to be gradual improvement- some ups and downs, ebb and flow, epiphany and rest rhythms-- and you'll pick up momentum, and feel your energy revive.... in steps, gradual improvement, no vertigo required.

Your brain is tricking you with the secret fear of being uniquely amazing- you already are, you have been all along, and you'll remember it in exactly the bite-size chunks you feel ready for along the way. Just make the commitment, and Hasselhoff it!
(*Hasselhoff: to run right at it and dive in, as in the opening credits of Baywatch...)