It was a huge struggle to put it all out there. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There wasn't much good. There was some really ugly. As I talked to her and told her some of the really ugly that has transpired over the last 8 weeks since I saw her last...I was overcome with a huge sense of broken-ness! This is one thought that I've tried very hard to overcome, not believe, and not fall into that trap. For the most part I'm able to keep it at bay. I don't often see myself as broken. However, this evening as I sat in Dr. K's office that is the one thing that seemed to resonate.
It was incredible tough being 110% honest with her. Making her hear me for where I am at. Not just that I'm in the ever revolving realm of suicidal ideation. A spot she is very used to seeing me in. But more of getting across to her the depths of where I've been. We discussed why I've not called to get in sooner, why I didn't agree to see someone else while she was out of the country, and some other things. There are some things I can't seem to really bring myself to blog about. It isn't that there is anything to hide.
Being completely honest and real with Dr. K was one of the toughest things I've done in a long time. I don't always have full faith/trust in her that she won't decide that this time I won't need to be hospitalized. I'm not okay. I know that. It is taking every ounce of my energy to get up every single day. I can't even begin to express how incredible tough it is.
Yet, I do it. I can't tell you why. I'm not even sure that I know why. This evening has been rough. After leaving Dr. K's office today I had a bit of optimism. There was a very small flicker of hope that maybe a re-try with her readily availble should things go ary would be helpful. I spoke with my BFF on my way home and felt confident that this was a good plan that we came up with. And then somewhere in the 30 miles between her office and my home....it all went down the toilet.
I've been in this space before. I've danced this horrible choppy slow dance before. I know how incredible shit filled it is. It's getting old. I wish it was as easy as choosing to be more positive, make different choices, change this or that. Lord knows, I've done it. I'm doing it. This is where this fight becomes to much some days.