My kids

*Whirlwind of swirling thoughts tonight.   Reminder this may make no sense but to me.  I type this as I'm laying in bed.  Attempting to fall asleep.  Which isn't happening.

My kids...
They are what keep me going.
I was once told by social worker and pdoc when I was on the hospital that was to much of a burden to put on them.

I've successfully ran several people away over the last few months. I often believe the same will happen  with my children as they get older.

I sat in a therapy appt thinking how the one thing that has kept me going will be gone.  Like that.

And there will be no reason to get back up. 

I'm in a pretty rough spot.  I've not hidden that fact. Tonight is no different. I had kept myself going for the most part today.   Not caved to the intrusive and impulsive thoughts.  Went into a therapy appt with high expectations of myself to be able touch upon some of the really rough stuff.  To be able to at least put out on the table a small portion of the swirling and tough stuff.

Instead the appt went complete opposite direction.  Sour.  I'm trying to make sense of it. I show up time and time again to my therapy appts in hopes of taking something...even if it is small speck of dust, even when I don't agree with her, even when what she says isn't something I like or want to hear...I take these things with hope there will be something that sticks out.   Something that for a moment or two or five hundred takes the edge off.  And almost every single time it happens.  I drive away and the light bulb flickers or there is a small bit of hope that maybe I can do this.  Tonight...it didn't happen.  Opposite filled my thoughts and actions as I drove home.

Yes I'm angry. Angry at everyone. Most of all myself.

It is late. My dh unaware of the internal fire storm that is burning my heart and spirit.  And I continue to hold on, barely.   The shower drowns out the tears.  Numbs everything else until there is no more hot water.  Three shower/bathes in three hours.  Still no relief. 

Screw gratitude.  Screw DBT. Screw mindfulness.   Screw it all. I've done it all. I've pulled those tools out. And the mumbled words on a page.  I'm not thankful right now.  If being a mother was something I was.good at then C wouldn't be alone.  Then A wouldn't be writing in her school journal abt C and how I could be more forgiving. And bc he is sick is why he did/does what he does.  Screw that.  I'm the one that is judgemental.  What kind of mom reads their kids posts on FB knowing they are clearly a cry for help and she turns her head the other way in fear?  Me.  That is who.

Replay my conversion with Jodi till I'm blue in the face.  One thing that continues to replay loud is "you are here. You've done something tht is working. And own it."  Whatever. Own what?  That I didnt cave to self harm shit?  Which is bs bc its there. Just not visable. I could generally counter that back with my previous comments tht 'there is generally something I take away...even when I/She would least expect it.  I was listening.  There was not a damn thing tonight.  What I took away was what I already believed in myself.   And I know that was not what she said or intended to get across.  Regardless ...it is my truth.  And I'm sure it is true.

In the end.
I'm not okay.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know what I want.

What I want so desperately...is not going to happen.

*I don't write this for advise,  concern, or anything other than myself.