It is another one of those nights.
It is hot in our house. And I can't sleep. There are a ton of issues that seem to be piling up. Some situational. Some marital. Some trauma/abuse related. Some just plain depression/mental illness related. Some just called life.
My husband and I are not on the same wave length of life. The more I try to be understanding and see things from both sides of the coin....the more I get pissed off. I'm not stupid. I know that there are 2 sides to every story. I know that my own shit carries a huge weight within our marriage. I also know, that there are many days, weeks, and months he does all he can to upset me. To get me to react.
And this is the current dance between us. I don't blog much about our marital issues. I try very hard to keep some things private. However, right now at this very moment it is what is keeping me awake. Mixed with some of the other long standing things that I struggle with. The two things don't seem to mix well.
This evening was no different in the realm of one thing leading to another. Unfortunately, I resorted to throwing a hissy ass fit. Over nothing really. And over something that I'm very passionate about. In the end...at the end of the night...I had done exactly as I have tried so hard not to. Freak out and throw shit. It isn't just about the issues of today. Instead, as one of my previous therapist from years ago used to tell me all the time...."__, you need to stop stuffing that crap over and over. The lid is going to blow off. When it does...it will not be pretty." The lid blew tonight. Kind of. There really wasn't much of anything said. Just thrown. From me. Not him. I take full responsibility. I'm not even going go there as to what the icing on the cake was. It was just a matter of time.
Little bit of time has been spent discussing some of the current issue in my own individual therapy with Jodi. I can only work on me. I can't change him. I know that. I've been in therapy long enough, seen enough different therapist, and walked this walk long enough o know that I can only control me....
That doesn't make things any better. And quite honestly, it pisses me off that I am the only one that seems to think there is an issue. Regardless of how I try to bring ANY thing up....he shoots back as it being me, myself, and I as the one who sees things differently.
And this is what is keeping me up this evening. The wee hours of the night. Feeding into the mindset that so often creeps in...the suicidal/hopeless thought process. Believing they/my husband and children would be better off with out me. Believing this on a good day is hard to fight off. And as I sink deeper....there is no fighting off. The only difference between me 'medicated and not' right now is that in this state of mind....I had more energy to do self harm and hurt myself. At the moment there is no energy. I was working more hours than I should while on C.ymbalta and the week and half after stopping it. The last week...I've struggled more and more with work. And getting out of bed in general.
It's not rational. I am fully aware that the above paragraph is 110% irrational. Yet, I don't for a moment believe it. Depression has grabbed me by the horns. I know it. I feel it. I hear it. I see it.
So many things swirling. I'm hot and I can't sleep. And so I continue to attempt to find some sort of normalcy, hope, and belief...something to hold on to.
I'm tired.....emotionally and physically. Tired of hurting. Tired of living in constant pain. Every freaking day. Tired of having a significant other, who also lives in chronic pain...not get it. Expect much more than I'm physically able to do. And then be sarcastic/martyr like when I can't do it. Tired of not being able to take anything for the pain. And when I do it increases the downward mood spiral or doesn't even begin to help with the pain. Tired of doing everything possible to break up the a.dhesions/f.rozen s.houlder and have it not even come close to helping.I'm sure it is helping. I just can't see it right now. And the therapy involved in breaking up the a.dhesions is grueling. It involved needing to rely on pain medications. I haven't been. Up until the last few days.
Please tell me that tomorrow will be better!?!?!?!