Wednesday, November 7, 2012


Damn it is a tough fight.  Some days are good.  They are really...REALLY...really good.  And then there are other days where it is all I can do to get out of bed.

Today was one of them.  I'm fighting like hell to not sink into a pit of depression.  It's always there.  Swirling around. Waving the baton or whatever the hell it is in my face.  And many days I'm able to whip the baton back in the face of depression/despair and keep going.

This morning the struggle to get up was harder than I expected.  I sat in the tub while the hot water rolled off me.  Tears welling up.  There was no reason that I could come up with.  Just tears.  Lots of them.  I didn't even get out of bed until the time I normally leave for work.  So I had to get myself moving.

I fought like hell to get myself out of the door and into the car.  Pulling myself together, I left for work 30 minutes late.

I've continued to struggle with sinking into a pit of depression. I just want to lay in bed and not get up. I wanted to take a nap today last night. It wasn't because I was tired last night. It was because I knew last night the struggle/sinking was setting in deeper than it has in a few days.

It's been 2-3 weeks since I quit taking C.ymbalta.  Even though I was in a really rough spot with self harm and suicidal thoughts was much different than where I'm at right now.

I don't even know if that makes sense.

I don't discuss the eating disorder/issues that are always present.  Often controllable if I'm able to stay present enough to keep tabs.  In really tough spots similar to what I was in a few weeks ago while I was taking C.ymbalta I stop eating all together.   Generally speaking it is one end of the spectrum or the other.  It is all or nothing.  The self talk, self esteem, and self image crap that comes along with this just adds to the impending depression.

I dont' want to go anywhere.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I just want to find relief from this whirlwind cycle.

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