Good and Bad

The end of day 3 of being home for the Thanksgiving Holiday.  There have been good moments.   Really good.  There have been bad moments.  Really bad.

Cymbalta at 30 mg is not going as well as it did the first time around.  I've tried taking it every other day over the last couple of days/week.

The days I take it my head throbs.  As in I can't stand myself or anyone else bc I hurt so effn much.  And the days I don't take it my head does not hurt.

My overall mood/mental health is not much better or worse.  Tuesday or so the intense suicidal ideation and self harm crap lessoned a little bit.  There was a moment in my day where I was able to notice 'where I was at mood/mental health wise' and be thankful for the very small lift.  

It was a small break in insanity.   Very small. 

I have regained my energy.   I wish I could say it was healthy and productive.  I've managed to push away more than just the regulars.  And it is in these moments such as today if you showed up at my door with bottle of wine...I would.welcome you in with open arms and help you drink that sucker.

I don't have wine.
I have other not-so-good coping to get myself deeper into this pit.

So yeah..there is some good.  The suicidal shit is not nearly as intense. 

The bad still trumps at this point and I'm fighting still on that damn under ground roller coaster waiting.  Self harm shit strong as ever.  Self care.down the damn drain.