Round 2...Shoulder surgery

I've been hopeful a second shoulder surgery could be averted.  Even as I spoke to my new orthopedic surgeon on Friday, I was still hopeful.  Hopes and prayers were crushed.  There is no nerve damage.  Which was the only positive that came out of that conversation.

If I ever want to attempt returing to work and want an hope of not having constant pain in my shoulder than the only option left at this point is to do a revision.  Over the weekend the thoughts and anxiety of going through another surgery becaming higher and higher.  There is no way around it.

The surgeon told me his scheduler would call me yesterday.  She told me the exact surgery he was scheduling.  And it became even more real.  Round 2....

I made some calls today.  Setting up rehab to start a few days post op.  Sent a few different messages via email.  And called my surgeons office back.  i wanted to know more specically what my optio s were.  Is this absolutely mandatory?  The answer was simple and at the same time not very simple.  Nothing is mandatory.  It isn't life or death...so no not mandatory.  However, if I want to have quality of life without constant pain and limitations this is the option I have.  It will progressively get worse until after the things that need to be taken care of get taken care of and they are able to see what else is going on. 

 Suck.Suck.Suck.

I have tried like crazy to keep my head above water.  To hear the advice, love, and support of those around me.  To hear the positive and uplifting things.  Remaining hopeful isnt happening.  

I remember vividly how incredible horrible the first 3 weeks post op were.  The months of grueling therapy and here I am....18 months later getting ready for round 2!  SUCK!!!!

My support system has changed drastically.  The coworkers who have had similiar surgeries are back to work.  Without complications.  With little to no issues and it is clear their supportis limited.  They dont fully get 'why' I am still dealing with this.  I dont get it.  I cant expect them to.  I have a new therapist whom I have met once.  A new PCP who I meet tmw.  I have yet to decide on psychiatrist.  New physical therapist.  Everything....everyone....new.  I trust none of them.  

The slope is slippery.  Very slippery.  I have flucuated back and forth between feelings.  After getting surgery date yesterday I slid quickly.  This morning I had a small glimmer of hope and thus why I called my surgeons office. 

I left work early and drove aimlessly for abt ab hour before letting my husband know I was on my way home.  Sooo many things spinning.  

I have been here before....in a dark hole.  However, not feeling so incredible alone!  With everything feeling like it has been pulled out from underneath me.