No Title Needed...

This picture says it all. There is no title needed. No explanation. Nothing. It says it all in one sentence. 

Times are rough all over. We all wade in and out of crap. Some piled higher than others. 

Time and time again I've seen the depths of friendships come and go. And some be gone forever.  Some hanging on by a thread. 

Over the last 8 years my ability to trust in true friendships has become less and less. I know we all have seasons in our lives that change. And with that the change in friendships wax and wane. 

Today I found myself in a spiral of trying to make sense of it all. Struggling with the fight or flight mantra. Knowing and believing vs push and run/fight or flight. 

For today...I am trying like hell to not push the one person who hasn't turned a blind eye. Who when things get tough and they are extremely tough right now...continues to not give up and not let me push her away.

Goodbye January

I've had enough of January for one year. I've never in 39 yrs wished a month to leave and be done with. Today...I am!

Enough is enough. 

January 1 was our 20th wedding anniversary. It also started new beginnings/relationships with therapist and doctors bc of an insurance change. It has been nearly 16 yrs since we had anything other than our previous insurance. 

As the last few weeks have unfoiled and we met our new doctors. We have learned things that the precious medical team overlooked. Serious things. Things that could potentially be life altering. As a result my husband will be having a repeat TURP surgery and surgery to remove 2 large kidney stones. Some of the largest stones this new urologist has ever seen. And he stated yesterday they have likely been there for sometime. They need to be removed ASAP bc they are closer to the opening to his ureuter than safely they should be. 

I've met and seen my new therapist a few times. From this side I think it will be a good match. My own 'issues' with trust are causing me more anxiety than is probably warranted. I met a new psychiatrist. And will most likely see her one more time for a follow up. I have an appt with a different psychiatrist in March. There were several things I didn't like abt this dr. And after much thought and prayer have decided to switch. Go out of my comfort zone and see a male psychiatrist. I don't like the idea. And an less than comfortable with it. However, at the moment I think this is what is needed. 

February will bring with it a repeat/revision shoulder surgery. And my husband will be having a repeat/revision TURP and will have kidney stones roved at the same time. 

I made the decision to not attend the Orlando BeTA retreat this year. And it is looking like that decision was for the better on many aspects. I'm not in a place or interested at this point in meeting new people. However, will miss the friendships and connections I've made in the past. This isn't my year and I'm at peace with knowing I made the right choice. 

Overall not much has changed and I'm not in that good of a space. Somedays I just want to tell life to 'suck it'. And quite honestly...I have!!

Round 2...Shoulder surgery

I've been hopeful a second shoulder surgery could be averted.  Even as I spoke to my new orthopedic surgeon on Friday, I was still hopeful.  Hopes and prayers were crushed.  There is no nerve damage.  Which was the only positive that came out of that conversation.

If I ever want to attempt returing to work and want an hope of not having constant pain in my shoulder than the only option left at this point is to do a revision.  Over the weekend the thoughts and anxiety of going through another surgery becaming higher and higher.  There is no way around it.

The surgeon told me his scheduler would call me yesterday.  She told me the exact surgery he was scheduling.  And it became even more real.  Round 2....

I made some calls today.  Setting up rehab to start a few days post op.  Sent a few different messages via email.  And called my surgeons office back.  i wanted to know more specically what my optio s were.  Is this absolutely mandatory?  The answer was simple and at the same time not very simple.  Nothing is mandatory.  It isn't life or death...so no not mandatory.  However, if I want to have quality of life without constant pain and limitations this is the option I have.  It will progressively get worse until after the things that need to be taken care of get taken care of and they are able to see what else is going on. 

 Suck.Suck.Suck.

I have tried like crazy to keep my head above water.  To hear the advice, love, and support of those around me.  To hear the positive and uplifting things.  Remaining hopeful isnt happening.  

I remember vividly how incredible horrible the first 3 weeks post op were.  The months of grueling therapy and here I am....18 months later getting ready for round 2!  SUCK!!!!

My support system has changed drastically.  The coworkers who have had similiar surgeries are back to work.  Without complications.  With little to no issues and it is clear their supportis limited.  They dont fully get 'why' I am still dealing with this.  I dont get it.  I cant expect them to.  I have a new therapist whom I have met once.  A new PCP who I meet tmw.  I have yet to decide on psychiatrist.  New physical therapist.  Everything....everyone....new.  I trust none of them.  

The slope is slippery.  Very slippery.  I have flucuated back and forth between feelings.  After getting surgery date yesterday I slid quickly.  This morning I had a small glimmer of hope and thus why I called my surgeons office. 

I left work early and drove aimlessly for abt ab hour before letting my husband know I was on my way home.  Sooo many things spinning.  

I have been here before....in a dark hole.  However, not feeling so incredible alone!  With everything feeling like it has been pulled out from underneath me.