No words.

I posted this a few months ago. And for a variety of reasons took it down. This morning my head and heart are weary. 

Struggling with some pretty deep shit.   No words this morning. Just tears. Lots of tears. 

This post came to my mind. And so today I will repost it again. 

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Not sure where to begin.  My head is reeling on this one.  It has been for sometime.  A few months ago, during one of my therapy appointments my therapist said something that I took as a somewhat flippant comment.  I didn't answer her. And if I did...most likely was a flippant answer back.  Wasn't the first time I've been asked and most likely will not be the last.

Taken straight from an email that I received today....

"If you are indeed choosing to stay where you are, what is the payoff?  What are you getting out of it?  There has to be one or you wouldn't keep doing it (referring to sabotage).  Is there some underlying twisted payoff or is there something else driving the cycle."

This friend has asked me this before. I've avoided her question, answered it flippantly.  Been rather distant and not really ready (or wanting) to really dig deep at the answers.  Just like my previous post discussing the fear of "not liking who I will find on the other side"....this particular question is just as tough. It is more than tough.  It is debilitating. It is a I can't stay present long enough to really think about it, dig deep inside, and untangle the mess debilitating.

I've mentioned before that depression and mental illness took on an entirely new role in my life after the birth of my youngest child 10 years ago.  And then 2 years later after having gastric bypass it took on another new level.  And then at the same time I had an emergency hysterectomy and we disrupted our adoption w/our son.  Many life changes that were huge.  REALLY HUGE with in a 24-28 month time span. 

For a long time I thought I would pull out of it.  That eventually things would get better.  And they did.  For a time.  For a season.  And then just like the trees change colors every fall...so did depression/mental illness.  Each year, each season, never fully getting back to 'what it once was..'

I have fought with depression since I was a teen in high school.  I used to think that everyone felt this way and it was normal.  It became my way of life.  When I got married the seasons changed and took on another new

level.

What I'm about to say feels and sounds incredible crazy.  Because it is crazy.  I am crazy. I know it. I own it.  It is what it is.  Crazy or not.  It may or may not be the answers that I'm trying to untangle.  It is however, the way I'm able to process it right now. 

This is normal and in a very twisted way comfortable.  Take away the fact I don't like feeling depressed, suicidal, and all around like shit...it has become who I am. On most days I don't want to push myself.  Yet I do.  I don't want to reach out to anyone. I want to sleep the day away with minimal energy and retreat into my little hole.  I have reached out to people from time to time and end up pushing them away.  When I have reached out, it takes a ton of energy.  And energy that I often don't have.  Ultimately, it takes on a huge risk. I've been burned before by taking risks.  I've been hurt beyond what I can even admit by taking those risks.  I beat myself up for feeling sorry for myself, for digging the hole a little bit deeper and deeper as the days, weeks, and months turned into years.  I got myself here.  Now dammit I can get myself out.

And not by taking risks of opening up to people.

And then I get upset at myself for trusting to deep.

And then when those closest to me attempt to reach out, to help, to put themselves out there regardless of how freaking hard it may for them....I pull back more.

And beat myself up for trusting to deep.

I hang on to that 3-4-5 year old little girl thinking that I don't deserve to feel my Father in Heaven's warmth and love.

I hang on to that 3-4-5 year old little girl thinking that I don't deserve to feel the warmth and happiness that my family and friends can provide.

because I'm bad...

Before anyone goes and tells me that this is untrue and crazy.  I know that. I'm an adult.  The adult in me knows it is not true.  The adult in me knows that it is the inner child voice screaming out and playing a roll in my life every single day.  Even though, I want to change and feel good about myself.....I fear I will disappoint people.  With disappoint comes the pain.  If I stay in the pain of depression I won't have to feel good and then turn around and feel bad again and again..

The ups and downs downs are so incredible painful that I believe strongly if I stay in the down at least it will be a consistent...what I know feeling.  I've said many times before how much I love roller coasters.  I hate the roller coaster ride of feelings.

As I've wrote this it sounds so damn crazy and bizarre.  I've deleted it a few times.  It comes down to that feeling I don't deserve to be happy.  I sure as hell can't make anyone else happy.  It as if feeling good, happy, in anokay place is wrong.  The need to punish myself kicks in way before anyone else can do it for me. 

I wish like hell I could say I'm in a better place.  I'm not.  I know I need to accept that as a human being, adult, mother, and wife...it is okay to have an array of feelings.  I need to accept that I'm not intrinsically bad.  I am not a sociopath.  I have the capacity to love others AND myself. 

I will continue untangle slowly. 

I will continue to untangle the incorrect beliefs that I learned from a very young age.

I will continue to untangle slowly...and it will continue to be messy.