What are they saying....

A few nights ago, I tried out Google Hang Out with one of my dear friends who lives in Utah.  We've skyped on our phones and my ipad.  There is usually a feedback or some sort that is annoying as ever.  And so we tried Google + Hangout....or...whatever it is called.

There are good and bad things about using Skype/Google Hang Out or any sort video chat.

My friend could tell I was really struggling.  Struggling with the thoughts that were running ramped in my head.  Trying to have a conversation, talk about whatever struck our fancy, and some more serious things.  She is the level headed, thinking things clearly, and gives sound but sometimes hard to hear harsh advice.  And I'm more the fly by the seat of my pants whatever I'm on a whim kind of person and say what I think as it comes to my head.

This night however, I wasn't able to say what I was thinking.  I was silenced by the thoughts that were running rampid.  She took a screen shot picture of me.  I think she knows it pissed me off.  The next morning, when I was thinking a bit more clearly, the screen still up on my computer from our video chat on Google...I saw that picture.  And it struck me as harsh.  Holy freaking hell it was harsh.

Then later in the day I read this post by Jen Daisybee.  I was struck by how very similiar the things that go in out of of my thoughts were the same on some cellular level.

I sat on my couch and thought....if only I could have relayed that back to D last night as we were chatting.  Or to my therapist yesterday as she tried reminding me to not shut down and remember her office was a safe place.

And then I re-hashed that appointment over and over in my head.  WHY can't I share.  WHY is it that I let these things have so much power over me.  WHY?  Why is is so damn hard to put words to the self harm.  WHY?

I hear D's voice.  "What are they saying?"

They were/are saying I can't trust anyone.
They were/are saying everyone is lying to me.
They were/are saying my family deserves better.  And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying my children deserve a better mother.  And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying if you just push a little bit harder on that scar on your forehead you will inadvertantly check out/pass out and be able to numb all this out.
They were/are saying if you continue to take scalding hot showers you can numb everything out for that time being.  Enough you can fall asleep.
They were/are saying don't take that shower bc if you do then you will feel safe enough to fall asleep.  Sleeping is not okay. You need to stay up.
They were/are saying your husband is tired of seeing you like this and going to find someone/where else to meet his needs...emotionally, physically, sexually, you name it...he will find it.  And you/I will continue to be here.  Alone.
They were/are saying this is as good as it gets.  Always.
They were/are saying my therapist is full of shit.  She believes I'm fine.  She doesn't believe I'm fine. She is just a waste of my/your time.
They were/are saying you had a job you loved and you have screwed it up by hurting yourself.
They were/are saying you can't change.  You can't get past this. You deserve every ounce of everything that comes your way.
They were/are saying the only way to end the insanity and the pain is to give up and let mental illness win.  Resign to it.

And it goes on and on.  I could sit here for hours.  And get into the more intimate and details.  I could go on about the abuse.  About what a fucktard Randy was or was he?  I could go on about all the things that keep me up at night.

These things.  They are what the thoughts are saying.

~Doesn't get better....just different~

Words can't describe where my head and heart are right now. 

This picture kind of does a little bit. 

I don't think I have the ability to trust and believe that it will get better.....

Just different.  It just gets different!!!!

My heart is hurting in manner much different than I imagined it would. 

Grieving the life I once had. 

Grieving the dreams and inspirations for my family. 

Grieving there is a light at the end when in fact I've lost hope that light will be bright again. 

~My only Hope is in Him~

"And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You." Psalm 39:7

Not many days go by where I am not reminded constantly that the path in life I am walking down is not a walk in the park. Many, okay most, days are excruciatingly rough emotionally.  There are things I dearly love about my current situation. Then there are the things that I absolutely despise with every fiber of my being. 

These things are the ones that haunt me in the wee hours of the morning. They take away precious and much needed rest.  They continue to rob me of the very things that mean so much. 

"When the righteous cry for help, The Lord hears and delivers their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the righteous, but The Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."  Psalm 34:17-20

I struggle a great deal with prayer. It is one of the hardest parts about being a Christian. I've prayed about many things for long period of time.  Yet don't receive the answers that I'm looking for.  Currently, I'm not looking for answers. Instead I've laid it at His feet and pleaded for relief.  Relief from what is robbing my family, my friends, and ultimately myself.  This hurts so incredible much. It has, and is, breaking my faith to the utmost end. 

I know deep down in my heart that pleading with the Lord about something so personal, that the answers lay with my Heavenly Father.  He is the only one who can see the bigger picture.  Trusting in this is just as painful and the struggle on some days.  Some days....would be today.

Day in and day out I've struggled with the current battle to regain my life, rise above mental illness, and come out on the other side whole and in one piece. It sucks. There is no way around it. Dear heaven I can't tell you how horrific and troublesome it is for me to continue fighting my way out of hell. Only to have the rocks fall back down on top of me making it even harder to pull myself out of this pit. 

 I'm trying like hell to hold my head up.  I'm fighting my way out of hell to Praise him in this Storm.  I am feeling defeated.  I am seeking out some sort of meaning in all of this.  I have found nothing. I know that Jesus found hope through suffering, so that his children could do the same.  I don't have any answers.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30  
My entire life is not engulfed in suffering and a pit of pain.  It really isn't.  I have so much to be thankful for.  This burden has taken ahold of my life, stuck a stick through my heart, and taken me down to my very core.  It has and continues to hinder my everyday functioning.  I know it doesn't have to be that way.

It doesn't have to be this way. I know it doesn't.  And so, I continue to find hope where all seems hopeless.  I continue to seek healing, where there appears to be none.  I continue to lay my burdens and pain at His feet.  Trusting that relief will be found as I lay these burdens before Him.

TMS Update ~ Mental Illness Sucks

I've ended TMS Therapy.  I finished 2 weeks ago with 61 treatments.  Not the suggested and usual 25-35 treatments.

61 Treatments. (update: the report I received today said 48 treatments.  I'm pretty sure it was 61.  I counted 61 day on my calendar.  And that was what the therapist said on the last day.)

I lost track on how many of those treatments were dual for anxiety and depression.  AKA: Both sides.

Nearly 11 weeks of going every single day.  There were a few weeks of 4 days.  And when tapering began it was over the course of 3-4 weeks.  

I wish I could sit here and write how much better life is.  How much better controlled depression, anxiety, and mental illness is in my life.  Reality is...I can't.  That hurts my heart more than you can even begin to imagine.  I gave it my all.  Every single day.  I didn't cancel or miss appointments.  

If I'm anything, I am brutally honest.  And this blog has never been anything but that.  I've pretty much told those who don't like that where the door is.  You won't find rainbows and unicorns shooting out my ass.  

That being said....TMS isn't all it is talked into being.  It isn't this one day you wake up and "oh my freaking word the cloud was gone..."  No it wasn't like that.  It hasn't been like that.  Yet, every testimonial I've read has pretty much been JUST THAT.  Because those people...the ones who are so much better after 3-4 weeks of treatment...those people...they shoot rainbows out their ass.  They eat unicorn poop cookies for lunch.  And while I'm extremely happy for them.  I want to trip them.  I really do.  Because they gave me false hope.  Almost every single day I sat down in that chair I had high hopes.  Really high hopes.  

Slow and steady wins the race.  I know that.  I also know that I've hit a block.  A really big block.  It isn't going anywhere anytime soon.  Despite my attempts to barge over it, under it, through it, or around it.  It's there.  The elephant in the room.  

The hope has slowly faded over the last 2 weeks.  The reality that this...this life that I'm living...although a smidge better than it was....it is still pretty damn horrible.  There is no amount positive thinking, reiki, tapping, prayer, faith, you name it....none that will change that. 

Mental illness sucks. 

Trauma sucks.

And I'm tired of fighting it.  Fighting the thought that 'it will get better'.
Tired of buying into the thought that 'it will get better'.

I'm not very positive today.  You could probably say I"m never positive.  And honestly, I don't care.  I got out of bed yesterday to go to a massage.  And came back home.  Went back to bed.  I'm writing this from my bed. I'm not working right now.  Which it gives for more reason to not get up.

In the last 24 hours depression has hit hard.  Honestly, it has been long standing.  Yet, the last 24-48 hours has hit hard.  

I hope my next post can be a bit brighter.  Until then...this is what I've got.