A while ago, not sure where or when or how -- I came across the following quote.

“Depression is like this: there is a magic wand lying 8 feet away from you that will cure you completely. But it’s too much trouble to go pick it up. And even if you COULD get to that wand and wave it, it wouldn’t work on you anyway because your brain is clearly busted, no matter what people are telling you.” — Dick Cavett

I like that. It describes the state I’m in now. This feeling like I know something is wrong and I know what I can do to help it but I just … can’t.

It’s hard to talk about the specific thoughts that plague me during the darker days of depression.

I am finding that it is harder and harder to vocalize most of the darker thoughts because they scare me. I want to believe that if I dont' say them outloud they will hold less power over me. It isn't working so well.

In my every day world - at home, family, work....I'm able to put on a mask and fool those around me. I know deep down inside that I'm am not fooling myself and I can't hide behind that mask.

I know exactly where this kind of thinking leads me: gradually with time the thoughts ramp up and up until i am unable to push them away. I may/may not mention it to my husband. Usually, not.  A casual mention to my therapist.  But nothing of the depths of where I really am at. 

I know exactly where that kind of thinking leads without treatment: the thoughts gradually amplify, until I am unable push them away anymore. With time, the thoughts start to crystallize from a foggy hypothetical to more concrete plans. And, most terrifying of all, the longer those thoughts and plans go unchecked, the more they start to seem like a good idea.