Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Combination of a few posts

For some unknown reason to me - I've been unable to log into this particular blog for the last week.  It will sign me out of my other gmail/google acct.  I'm trying very hard to keep the accts separate.  At this point in time - I'm pretty certain there are no readers on this particular blog.  Which, btw is fine with me.  This is for me. For me to see the ups/downs and the pure take me outs.  I would like to be able to figure out a 'pattern' that may/may not be contributing to the lows and knock down take me out days/weeks.  I can no longer (or I don't really think I should) attribute it to some of the grief and such that went along w/no longer having one of my children in my home.  To no longer being that childs mother. 

Regardless, I wrote some of these accts over the last few weeks.  Saved them in my email and am going to cut/paste them into the blog since I'm able to log in...today.

Treading Water
Sometimes this is exactly how I feel. 
As if I'm slowly hanging out in some large body of water.
Treading water...slowly...slowly.
I guess one could argue that my head is above the water and so that is a good thing.
For this moment, I will agree.   
I don't know how much longer I can keep it this way.
Slowly the life preserver that I've had holding me up has continued to fall.

The last several days and weeks I've struggled a great deal with this "suffocating" feeling.  I can't breathe one day or another....not in as "I am truly out of breathe".  More-so....depression has sunk in so severely that I wish I never woke up that morning.  I wish I could say it is clinical.  The logical part of my brain says "if this were situational....you could fix it or attempt".  I am certain it isn't situation.  Sure, there are many stressful things going on in my life.  But, as my therapist commonly says "everyone has life issues" or something to that matter.  She's right.  If it were situational it would be so much easier for me to vocally say...hey look at this happened and I'm on the right track to fixing how I think/feel/react.

Before anyone gets concerned and goes freak show on me....don't worry. I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not going to hurt myself.  I may think about it often but truth betold: I have 2 of the most beauitful children (biased i know) inthe world.  I love them more than life itself.  And w/o them....sure there would be reason to worry.    These 2 special spirits need a mother.  I could never do that to them.  It is because of these 2 children that I get up out of bed.  It is because of these 2 children....I..WILL...Get Up...Again and Again!!

I've tried to excercise the depression away.  Somedays 20 minutes on the elliptical does the trick.

Today. Not so much. No amount of excercise is going to do the trick.  I knew from the moment I opened my eyes at 2:45am, 4:15am and then again at 6:30am...I was screwed.  There was no other way around it.  I was half tempted to just stay in bed.  Light work day for me was in store, I was pretty sure (and I was right). 

I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of faking it till I make it. I freeeking hate it.  And yet...what choice do I have but to continue on.


Why can't I just be depressed w/o so much freeking anger?
My poor husband.
My poor children.  I try very hard to tone it down a ton when they are around.
But there are some days where there is no control.
None. What-so-ever.  And then the guilt comes into play.
Recently, my dh and I had an arguement over groceries.
He does all of the cooking and shopping (most of the time).
And I know he tries very hard. And I'm sooooooo appreciative (sp) of it.
And 2 weeks after that lil tirade arguement that my daughter walked in on part of...
I still have overwhelming guilt.  Lots and lots of it.
That evening I cried myself to sleep. Again. Not uncommon these days.


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