Depression...hurts.

Depression...hurts. 

I hate that commercial with everything in me. Because, depression DOES hurt. And for some reason when see that commercial I see pharmaceutical company capitalizing on the pain and true hurt of those who suffer. 

Depression...hurts. It can and will and has robbed me/my family of so many things.

The hurt...it is raw. It cuts deep.

I long for the day when it was a minor pain. 

I long for the day when there was a glimmer of hope among the pain. 

I long for the day when depression...it was just a minor hurt among my life.

I long for the day when friendships were not lost only making the pain deeper. 

I long for the day when where my children had a mom who lived her life with them.

I long for the day...

When depression didn't HURT so fucking much. 

Random Rambling

I've laid here in this bed many nights unable to sleep. Unable to stop the whirlwind of thoughts racing in my head.Tonight will be no different. 

Write this post with tears stained cheeks and blurry eyes that burn from the steady stream of tears. The emotional pain is physically present. It is nearly 2am. 

Praying for reprieve. Just once. Yet the freight train continues. Prayers go unheard. 

The swirling takes on a new twist. Changes suck. Big changes suck even more. Finding comfort or any sort of positive isn't happening. 

I

Changes Suck

She knows my flaws.  She knows many of my secrets.  She knows most of my hopes.  She knows my core beliefs.  There are moments when I believe she knows me more than I know myself.  She hasn't been my first and she will not be my last.  She has been the first one that I've come close to letting in.  Not fully.  But close enough.  For nearly 6 years, I've seen her weekly or biweekly...sometimes more.  With the exception of about 3 months during her maternity leave shortly after I started seeing her.

I've contemplated for many reasons over the last several months about the possibility of changing to someone else.  After I returned home from my trip to Utah in September it became painfully obvious that there was gonna need to be a change.  She has put it out on the table on more than one occasion.  And everytime I think about changing or she brings it up; I go back to the same place This last week we discussed it in greater depth.  She gave me idea of someone w/in her office that I could see.  When I left I made an appointment.  There was still a very small voice in the back of my head that said "you could still go back to her if it doesn't work out with this new person."

However, a change in insurance will mean that I have to terminate this relationship.  It is bittersweet.  On many levels it is heartwrenching.  After almost 14 years of being a patient at this clinic I will have to break things off with both my therapist and psychiatrist.  It isn't setting very well with me at the moment...  normal everyday anxiety is increased 100%.