Eleven...

In my post a few weeks ago I mentioned that something has happened with this new therapist.  It is the first time in 15 yrs of therapy...actually 16 years that someone was not afraid to touch the root of what is going on.  My last therapist, N., she saw it.  She knew what was going on.  However, 2 shoulder surgeries in the first 5 months of seeing her didn't give her the ability to dig deep into what was going on.  She did more stabilization and working on building trust and some light(er) ground work. 

ELEVEN.

That is the number of therapist I have had prior to seeing R.

She is the first person to address the abuse and trauma head on and not back off.  She hasn't let "me" get scared, freak out and tell her nope, nadda, not going there, nothing....and backed off.  Instead, in those moments she has hunkered down and said what I needed to hear.

"Do you want to get better...?"

Yes....

Hello June....

Here is it June.  Only the 2nd or 3rd post of the year.  I wish that I could say that life is wonderful. Life is peachy. Life is all roses.  Actually, life is still hard.  Hard as hell.  But, at the end of the day....I have continued to get up.  Which is what I promised myself and my kids I would do regardless of how hard it is.

The last post in March I had just began seeing a new therapist.  It wasn't going very well.  It wasn't her... instead it was more the reason why I was there. Having any choice in who I saw at this clinic wasn't an option and well...it wasn't going well.

It's been almost 3 months since I first started seeing R.  It hasn't been easy.  Holy hell it hasn't been hard as hell.  I really want to say hard as fuck.  But I've been trying to refrain from using the F word. That doesn't always go very well.

For the first time in 15 years of therapy...something has happened.  Something pretty damn big.  Something that isn't always easy to wrap my head around.

I will try to "talk" about that in my next blog post.

M.I.A.

Life....things....it has collectively went down hill over the last several months. 

Another therapist change. This time by no other choice than lovely insurance change.  That I had no control over. Beaurocratic bullshit got in the way.  After being on a waiting list for several months I was scheduled with a new therapist. Someone I knew nothing about. The verdict is not out yet on what I think about her...It's still fairly new and fresh.

I'm fed up with people and life in general. I can't return to my job.  Living with physical pain daily.  Unable to scratch my damn back if I needed to because I can't move my arm.  Loosing my home.  Will loose my job...because someone didn't do their job.  Lost my therapist whom I loved.  I'm crazy as shit and I'm fed up.  Simple fed up.  If I could figure out a way for it all to go away.....I would in a heartbeat.

The only semi bright spot in my life was a week long visit to Utah the beginning of the month to see my dear friend D and her family.  It was a wonderful reset that my entire body needed!!