Me and Me Only

This morning started dreary.  Add in the dread of attending a mutual gathering...that my SIL would be attending.   At 10am I was still laying in bed, covers up, tv on and no intention on getting up.  Until the last minute.

My mom called.  Told me I was really just adding more stress by going to the mutual gathering.  I should join her and my aunts and go to another aunts house for a P.hampered Chef party.

I mulled over it.
I talked to my dh.  Who is aware of the state of mind that I am in.  And he said.."Get Up.  GO TO YOUR AUNTS ..."and few other things.

And so I did.

I called another Aunt and my mom.  And we met for lunch.

Taking care of me.  Putting my needs first.  Not doing well still.  But...I am trying!

Meds? Who Knows.

I started new antidepressant abt a month ago.  This morning as I took it....light bulb went off.  There are several triggers and situational things right now playing roll into how I'm feeling.  But the intensity is pretty different.  Few weeks of OK....not to horrific.  And then BAM here I am.  It isn't pretty.  Never is.  However the last 24 hrs have been pretty frippen horrific.  The intensity, frequency, and impulsive self harm shit is overwhelming.  I don't blog that part for any other reason than for my own good.  Not believing it is something I have hell of a lot of control over.  

Insomnia Sux

Definately need this reminder..like all day...everyday~

I don't believe this right now.
It is more than I can even comprehend.
I've been here before.
One would think that "this" would be familiar and I would know what to expect.

This one.
Different.

Trauma sucks.giant.f*cking.donkey.balls.

Hellacious

I'm not doing well.
Terrible day today.  Actually, been several tough days.
 I don't want to go over it again.  I had a therapy appt with J* today.
 I didn't want to go.   Often, I say that. I always do.  Usually with hope and a desire to get to the end of some of the ick.  That didn't happen today.
Instead fear, depression, anxiety, and all kinds of other ick took over.   Leaving me unable to communicate with here to what depth I'm struggling.  
I wish it was different.  It wasn't.
I've been here before. Yet, it is different.
Today's therapy appt was more draining than any I've had in a very long time.  The aftermath has been numbing. Hell it was numbing while I was there. Shutting down completely.  Moving closer to the edge.  Came home and just wanted to rest.  Laid my head down and as I sunk into my bed, hearing my dh's words, I tuned the rest of the house out.  I wasn't sleeping. I could hear the TV and my dh folding laundry.  He knew things weren't okay. My body heavy. Shoulder, feet, back and head trapped inside with a prickly metal wire feeling.  It is the longest and most intense dissociating experience that has occurred in as long as I can remember.

I was reminded of this little saying "Sometimes it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe" as I got out of bed to use the bathroom.  I crawled in the shower and sat there till the water ran cold. And sat there longer with cold water running over my face.  Wake up. Snap out of this.

About this time of my children came in the bedroom/bathroom complaining that he/she needed to shower and there was no hot water.  And so I get out and sit in the recliner.  Still numb. Still trying to process what it is that seems to have grabbed a hold of me by the horns and yanked me down under.

And so it continues.

~The World behind the Door~ *Explaination*

The previous post *The World behind the Door* has sat in my drafts for several weeks.  No real reason why I have decided to publish it tonight.  The last week has been filled with one trigger after another.  Opening that door is overwhelming.  Today during a massage appt with H*, in which that door was cracked open several times w/in a 90 minute period of time, I found myself thinking about this post.  As much as she attempted to shut the door it continued to creep back open.

~The World behind the Door~

The world is hidden behind the face you see.  There is a world that has been hidden for such a long time that no one knew it was there, not even the person herself.  She had no clue all that was hidden inside.  She waited until she thought she was emotionally, physically, and mentally stable to allow the door to be opened.  She was not sure she wanted to konw or to open the door.

Fear took over and she didn't believe that everything inside would ever be contained again once the door was opened.  Feared she would be left broken, useless, and fear driven more than she already was.  As long as that door stayed shut she could cope...or...at the very least attempt.  Behind that door if it stayed shut...she could continue to not feel.  Keeping those feelings locked behind that big door...leaving the spectrum of anthing that was possible for a person to feel...she was afraid.

Would the door ever shut again if it was broke up or even cracked open a little bit?  Would she be able to cope with what was inside?  Did she even realize how much pain was really behind that door.  The door is heavy.  She knows how incredible unsafe a heavy door can be.  It is all unknown.  

Random Ramblings

~We write so we don't feel so alone.~

It sums up in a few words why I blog.  Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do.  Ultimately it is because I feel so d*amn alone so much of the time.

Tonights post is jumbled up mess.  As I am at the present moment.  The day was filled with tons of ups and downs.  When I left work I felt the world come crushing down on me.  In a rather crushing way!!

I can't even write about it in depth.  Physical therapy was tough...really tough.  Two words you don't want to hear ever...specially AFTER you have shoulder surgery is adhesive capulitis aka: frozen shoulder.  And given the degree of severity....don't wanna hear that either.  And more daggers in the heart (OR head) when it comes to our older son.

I've had to remind myself this evening several times WHY it is that I don't drink.  I'm certain if I did.....I would never get back up. Ever.  And right about now.....that sounds pretty damn good.

Confessions of a Thumbsucker

What are your confessions....

This is one of mine.  

Not something that I walk around announcing to the world on a daily basis.  It never occured to me when I had my surgery I would be unable to suck my thumb.  It took me a few weeks to pinpoint what it was that would be bothersome as I fell asleep at night.  The drugs numbed the emotional pain and attempted to take away the physical pain.

  Once I stopped taking v.icodin on a regular basis, for the first time since my surgery (about 6 weeks), some of the deeper emotional bs started to creep slowly back in the need/desire to self soothe has become more of an issue.  

No Real Words....Only Tears

I really have nothing to add to this picture right now.

Another knife in my gut as I walk the path of "when a friendship fails".
I've walked some really ugly paths over the last 18 yrs.  There were moments/days in my life where this particular friend was the person who is the reason I'm sitting here typing this.  The reason why I didn't create a plan of ending my life.

I've sat along side her hospital bed, as she lay in a coma, feeding her newborn....pleading for her life at the same time.
The disruption of our adoption/loss of our son...was painful enough.  The mere loss of the friendship that I once had w/my sister-in-law because of our choice to disrupt was tough.  To have the failing of this particular friendship....BECAUSE my sister-in-law has gotten in the middle....well it is just as gut wrenching as our disruption.

Music Therapy ...

...I'm in need of some tender therapy this Friday afternoon.

So by my side is....

Colbie Cailiat, Pink, Madeleine, and Corinne Bailey Rae...

Just to name a few.  Whatever it takes to get to the end of the day.