Self Harm...

Self harm is disturbing. It is brutal.  Yet, often it is the way I feel.  It is a way to bring sensation into my the body and fill a void.  Self harm is something I've battled off and on for the last 10 years. It  probably is something I have battled for more than 10 years.  However, right now it is what I can remember.  It started out very minor.  I can honestly say I never thought of the things I did as self harm.  The important part for me to remember....much of what I've done (and do) is done on an unconscious level.  It is almost always in times of distress and overwhelm.  I often feel like my body is an empty cavern.  Inside that emptiness is a bucket of emotions that are void to my knowledge.  They are locked up and sealed with a ton of duct tape.  It is when I inflict injury upon myself I am able to feel a small portion of those emotions...in a painful, yet satisfying, sensation.

I don't self harm because I like it.  I don't believe anyone does.  I hate every aspect of it.  I don't like it for a moment. I struggle talking about it.  It is like a drug.  Drugs are addicting.  Self harm is addicting.  Instead of washing away all of my emotions and memory with the drug, I allow myself to for once feel something.  Being able to allow the void to fill, even when it is a small smidgen of some sort of emotion.

I'm aware that many parents freak and flip out when they find out their child has been hurting themselves.  I'm a parent.  I can't say that I wouldn't struggle in much of the same way as many parents.  Yet, because I understand some of what lies underneath the behaviors, I hope and pray that if I am presented with the same situation as many parents, I will be able to respond differently.  This isn't about teens. It isn't about my children.  It is about me.  A 40 something adult.  Struggling more with these behaviors and emotions than I ever have in my life.

Not understanding the reasons behind self harm leads people to jump to conclusions like suicide, manipulation, attention seeking, ect ect.  Those who don't understand what self harm is really about believe that those who act upon the urges to hurt themselves are martyers, selfish, seeking attention, and often believe there is a need for major psychological intervention.  

In some cases, the above might be true.  However, in many cases it is completely the opposite.  It is completely the opposite in my case.  What I need is someone who is willing to truly listen and understand.  I've never cut myself and even though I've never done it.... doesn't mean I don't understand it.  I've battled the urges to cut myself many times in recent months.  Often for me, those urges come by accident.  While I'm cutting something for dinner and accidentally slip and hurt myself.  The thought to follow through and cut myself again, on purpose...gets stronger and stronger.

I have recently participated in one or more of self harm behaviors.  I am not proud of myself.  In fact, I hate every aspect and myself.  I have struggled a lot with  not being able to use the tools I know I have.  Finding a safe, useful, method to release and find the sensation and emotions that I am seeking.
Think for a moment or two, that your body is numb.  You can not feel anything.  You have completely lost all feeling.  Then, paralysis starts to sink in.  You get frustrated because you don't know what to do.  You want the sensation back again.  You want to feel your body again.  What do you think you would do?  Take a moment and imagine you have finally found something that will help you get that sensation and emotion you are seeking...that would allow your body to feel again.  Would you act upon it?  Would you take it?

I've said this before and will again, most individuals who act on self harm urges do not do it for attention.  Ultimately, it is to finally feel something.  It is to release an overwhelming abundance of trapped emotions.

It is helpful for me when I have someone who is willing to listen without passing judgement.  This person has to understand and continue to love me through all of the hell that I put myself and them through.  I have a someone in my life who does not freak out.  If she could be with me I'm pretty certain she would sit with me.  She has sat next to me. She has laid next to me, as I've sobbed uncontrollable and the urges to follow through have been flooding every ounce of my body.
Instead of freaking out and feeling like I need to be hospitalized she has cried with me, she has asked what she can do to help me get through every single tough patch.

This is why I am writing this post.   I know there are those of you out thee who are reading this and know someone who struggles with much of the same self harm issues that I do.  I want  to give you some insight and reasoning behind this awful part of mental illness.  I also want to challenge you to do the very same for them that I have had done for me. I have given you the perspective from someone who has and does live with it every.single.day of her life.

I leave you with my hope that you can/will take it upon yourself to listen-truly listen-to whomever it is you may know.  I ask you to love this person no matter what.  Unconditionally... love them with all your heart.  I ask you do do your best not to judge.  It is hard. I know.  Lastly, I ask you to take it upon yourself to try and understand fully.  From their side, not yours.  This is critical if your friend, loved one, spouse, child, whomever it might be, for this person to learn to trust you.

There are extremes to self-harm in which psychiatric help is necessary, I am for not one moment saying there isn't.  However, not everyone needs immediate attention. I am just trying to feel again.  Feel and not be numb.  It is much easier to not be so numb and regain a little bit of the feeling that I'm seeking when those around you are not freaking out about the methods in which you help yourself feel.  Instead, helping them feel your love and understanding may be....all they need!

Sunday Evening Random Ramblings...

I'm here.  Surviving.  Busy. There's good. There's bad.  There's really good. And then there's really bad. It is an never ending up and down battle.

There is good in many things.  My children are growing. Thriving. And seem to have adjusted well to school.  We've got some personal issues with one of my children that has triggered some pretty crappy things w/in my own trauma history.  My youngest did not come home from school every day the first week begging to be home schooled.  He was super excited that one of his buddies from church, who has been home schooled until this grade, was in everyone of his classes.  They sit together or w/in a few seats in every class.  It was a great start to what was highly dreaded.

This was the first time in many years, okay ever, that I didn't want to send my kids back to school.  I've been off work since the beginning of February. I had surgery again right before school ended.  We had some pretty sweet moments this summer.  I loved having them home and I miss them after 4 day being back at school.

Twin Falls, Idaho
Day 8 of 15

We took a 15 day, 5000 mile, to many states to count, cross country road trip.  We visited my grandparents, my birth father's family, and then went to Utah and stayed w/my BFF for a night, spent the day w/her family on the weekend, and stayed w/my in laws.  We were ready to pull into our driveway after 15 days of being gone.  It was a wonderful trip and we made some good memories.

My children were not thrilled about riding in the car.  They wanted to fly. We've never done anything like this.  Our furthest road trip was about 5-6 hr drive.  Having the 1st leg of our trip be 28 hrs of driving was a bit scary.  We made it fun and stopped in a few different places along the way to stretch and do some sight seeing.  My 15 yr old is a budding photographer and kept her camera in her lap/near by the entire trip.

Today, there was a comment to something posted on my facebook blog page.  The first sentence was a kick in the gut.  "Think more positive."  Sure. Yep. I know I need to be more positive.  The remaining part of the message didn't come across well, either.  My gut tells me it was all in support and love. However, that is not what I heard.  The timing wasn't the best.

I've been at a fairly low place.  Therapy is hard.  It is *insert several curse words* hard.  The more intense it gets the more alone I feel. Yet, I know I am not. Truthfully,  I haven't felt this alone since sitting in hospital a week before the court hearing to disrupt our adoption. It's the kind of alone that makes me think...nobody gets it.  My therapist doesn't. My husband doesn't. My bff doesn't. My family doesn't.  During that time in the hospital, I had a visitor who happened to be the Relief Society President.  Her and I go way way back.   Sitting with another friend in church today, who I know 'gets mental illness' on a very personal level, I was reminded of the same message that my relief society president shared with me several years ago.  The Lord put the same message in my head today as he did that day.  And it brought me to tears.

Fear not! I am with thee.
Oh, be not dismayed.
For I am thy God.
And will still give thee aid!
I'll strengthen thee,
Help thee
And cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I know that I am loved. I know that I am not alone. I know these things.  However, it is so very hard to remember in the depths of hell.

~There' s no title for this~

Here is a little scenario that played out last night.  I've tried to write about it in a way that makes sense and it isn't happening.  Bare with me here folks.  If you get to the end of this...bless your heart.  There is a point that I'm trying to get across.  A positive one (kind of) and one that needs to be followed....if you get to the end.

We were gone all day yesterday at my Aunt's house for our Family Thanksgiving.  We left early yesterday morning because I had a chiro appt for my shoulder.  I fell on Thursday in my parents hot tub and did a number on my shoulder.  (Really...I did.  It wasn't pretty.) My appt with Dr. M yesterday morning was a bit tortuous.  I was already in a mood that was to be reckoned with.  

While at my Aunt's house yesterday we were informed that our Family Christmas was going to be held one week earlier than usual.  There was no warning.  Just "this is when we are having it".  The Aunt who is in charge of it this year took it upon herself to 'change it'.  And generally this wouldn't be an issue.  I'm not working weekends right now and won't be for several months.  I had been told by my mom it was possible going to be changed to the Saturday before Christmas. I wasn't very happy about that.  However, that date would be better for us.  We don't ever go anywhere other than to my parents house or my families.  We rarely ever travel and generally don't make plans to go anywhere.  However, I had an idea brewing in my head.  This particular weekend...the last weekend of the year is our "Anniversary Weekend".  We don't do much if anything.  And my husband has been given the opportunity to have a 3 day construction job that weekend.  So we really didn't have much for plans.  But I had been thinking about plans....plans to head to see my BFF.  I had not talked to my dh and was waiting to run it by my BFF before I talk to dh.  And this was going to be the weekend I thought about going.  

In general I don't get myself worked up or upset about things like this.  My mom's family is pretty large (7 siblings total) and I just go with the flow.  I let them all get all po'd at each other. And I stay out of it.

All the way home I stewed and stewed about this bit of information.  The more I thought about it the more upset it made me.  

We got home and I began to prepare our dinner for today.  Cutting veggies and making rice that would end up in the crock pot this morning before we headed to church. While I was chopping the veggies whirlwind of impulsive self harm thoughts became more and more intrusive.  I've never purposely cut myself.  There have been moments where it has taken every ounce of my ability not to.  Last night was one of those times. 

Instead I called my dh into the kitchen.  His response was to 'not use real onions just put in the onion flakes' and he refused to cut the onions and mushrooms.  I wasn't able to fully tell him why I needed him to help me.  He had a mindset that it was my idea to make this dinner for today and so it was me who needed to do it.

We bantered back and forth. It was more me looking for a fight.  I take full responsibility for it.  If I was bantering with him...I wasn't cutting myself.  And at that moment it seemed to be the lessor of two evils.  One thing led to another. I was an emotional mess...I started spewing shit such as...to bad my head wouldn't fit under then damn food chopper thing.  He responded with "you sound like ___ ____".  And back and forth.  I took his phone off the phone charger and threw at him telling him he needed to call ___ ___ and tell him that."
The bantering went back and forth some more. Mostly me. Him ignoring me. Which just pissed me off even more.

What came out of my mouth next kind of surprised me as I said it.  And I know it took the wind out of my dh's sail.  In a nutshell I told him that "__ __ needed a friend.  One that could understand where he was coming from.  One that wasn't judgmental.  Which is where I'm at. The only person I have that somewhat understands lives 6 hours away.  And maybe if I had someone locally who GOT ME who I could call and talk to or show up at their house for whatever reason...that I could just sit on their couch and watch TV with....maybe things would be different."  He responded with "what the hell am I? Chopped liver?"  To which my response was "listen to yourself...just listen to the double bind you just put yourself in? You are telling ME who has a knife and food chopper in my hand that I sound like __ __ bc of what I just said.  I asked you to help me. Not because I don't want to do it. But because I was putting my own safety at risk. I don't need to tell you every time I want to hurt myself.  Nor will I.  Because of the things YOU just said. Do you REALIZE how often I am in that frame of mind or space? No you don't. Because YOU don't fucking listen to me. You refuse to help and said use processed food. I don't want to do that. I'M TRYING to make healthy meals for our family.  He followed with I didn't tell him and if I would have he would helped me.  At that point he was trying to. But I had a knife in my hand and refused to let him.  He knew to back off.

Our friend he mentioned we know from a distance struggles with depression. My husband has been helping them with some remodel projects over the last year.  He was our best man.  They are not close friends and we have never invited them over for dinner.

I put the knife down and proceeded to call this family.  Without talking to my husband or making sure it was okay with him...I decided to invite them over for dinner.  To take that first step and reach out a hand of love and support.  Whatever it might look like.  

Conversation went something like this...

ME:  Hi S...what are you doing tmw afternoon after church?
S:  Nothing, why?
ME: I think it would be great if  J, J and You came over for dinner. Are you up for that?
S: I don't know. I can ask J.

ME: Well, you are more than welcome to come.
S: Well if J doesn't come can I still come?
ME:  Heck yeah S. You know that. I think our families truly need to spend more time together.

Our conversation went on for about 2-3 more minutes while we discussed dinner/time and such.

I got off the phone.  My dh looked at me stunned as hell.  And said "So the G's care coming for dinner.  When do you plan on cleaning the house?"

I responded I dind't give a flying f* what the house looked like. If they didn't like it that was to bad.  At the end of the day....S deals with a husband who struggles in the very same manner than I do.

This evening S showed up w/her 14 yr old son.  Minus her husband.  She apologized over and over.  He left church early because he was stressed and having some severe anxiety over work situation. I told her "S you have no reason to apologize. I get it. I really do."  When my dh came upstairs she apologized again to him.  Telling him "J was stressed and sleeping."  She's from another country and has some really strict cultural manners.  She felt horrible that we had invited their family and he didn't come.  I made it really clear that "I understood....".  Even telling her that 9 out of 10 times you don't see me in church are for the same reasons. I get it. And she doesn't need to apologize.

Before anyone served their dinner I got a dish for her husband, got desert and rolls ready to send home to him.  When she left I made sure to let her know that he was missed and to please let him know that "we...not just I get it."  My husband said nothing. Not one word.

I'm tired.
I'm mentally and emotionally drained.
This incident took my thoughts/impulses off of myself at that moment to not cut, burn, or whatever it might have been.  Instead, it put the reflection (in my opinion) back on my husband that "WE" are not alone in this fight.  He was able to hear S talk a little bit about her frustration.  Their 14 yr old son was able to hear another mom/parent say "this sucks but it is okay and I'm glad you came even though your father didn't".

And now...

The desire and impulse to hide behind what is easy for me...taking hot shower/bath and burning myself has been strong. THUS why I'm writing this post. And from here I will go to bed. Instead of hiding behind the pretense that I need heat on my shoulder and taking a bath.  I will use a microwaveable rice heating pad. And go to bed.    

No Real Words....Only Tears

I really have nothing to add to this picture right now.

Another knife in my gut as I walk the path of "when a friendship fails".
I've walked some really ugly paths over the last 18 yrs.  There were moments/days in my life where this particular friend was the person who is the reason I'm sitting here typing this.  The reason why I didn't create a plan of ending my life.

I've sat along side her hospital bed, as she lay in a coma, feeding her newborn....pleading for her life at the same time.
The disruption of our adoption/loss of our son...was painful enough.  The mere loss of the friendship that I once had w/my sister-in-law because of our choice to disrupt was tough.  To have the failing of this particular friendship....BECAUSE my sister-in-law has gotten in the middle....well it is just as gut wrenching as our disruption.

I Will Be There for You

In our darkest of times, often we turn to our friends in order to help us get through the trials life has/is throwing at us.  I know this has been true for me over the last few years and particularly true for me over the last several months.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know I have engaged in several struggles over the last year.  I have had several boughts of dark depression.  Each ranging from chemical imbalances unable to be supported by medication, job stress and previous abuse/triggers that are on going, financial frustrations due to being unable to work full-time due to health or other mental health related issues.  Each of these events and more have been incredible challenging.  Challenges which I am certain I could not have overcome with out the love, support and understanding of a few incredible friends.

When I say friends I do not mean acquaintances. I do not mean people I just know through memberships in similar groups or organizations.  I mean people who know who I am, on a deep and personal level, and stood by me when it was difficult to do so.  Who have picked up the phone and made sure that I was okay, when I was certain I didn't know if I was okay.  For many of us, such true friends are few and very far between.  I know that for years I could count mine on one hand.  And even today, can still count them on one hand.

My recent surgery has shown to me who those true friends really are.  Those friends who call because theyc are about who I am.  Who send tid bits here and there to let me know they care.  Who with out expecting anything in return let me know that I am loved.

This my friends is the greatest gift we can give someone.  Thich Nhat Nahn (Buddhist Monk) has a saying:  "The greatest gift you can give someone is to say 'Darling, I am here for you.'"  When someone you call friend puts this saying into action and is truly there for you, it is indeed an incredible gift.

I owe a deep dept of gratitude to the friends who have listened to my aching heart, held my confidences, cared, supported and loved on me more than I ever feel entitled to.  THeir words of caring and comfort create a beam that will continue to lead me through the dark tunnels I have found myself in over the last several months and continue to do so.  You have given me hope and encouraged me to find a path in which I can continue to move forward,  instead of backwards.   And you have become my biggest cheerleaders, believing in me and lifting me up when I feel I can't go on.  I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life.

The only way to ever repay you for what you have given (and continue) to give me is to remind you that; "Darling, I am here for you."  I will answer your call when you reach out and will be there for you as you have been me to me over these trying moments and long days.

Just Some Thoughts...

...for a Monday evening.

***I am not returning to work tmw.  Or the next.  Or the next day.  That's okay.  It will be okay unless I get slack from Work Comp.  Then...it will be really NOT OKAY.  Until then....I will just go on the premise that I KNOW that I got hurt (again) at work.  And the video will prove it. 

***Since I was at my appt. last week I've lost a few lbs.  Nothing to go writting home to mom about..but some.  I've not cut out the diet soda I drink.  Nor am I at this point.  Another Soul Sister commented to my friend S* on FB and said "I am certain I am not fat because I drink coffee." And that my friends....or should say lukers...is my entire belief.  Sure it does not help.  However, it isn't the reason.  I had another friend try telling me today that I need to stop drinking it.  She can stop drinking it and I will praise her.   My first "real attempt" at making something "somewhat on the vegan aspect" was a huge flop. 

***I posted this picture on FB this morning.  It is a great one by Greg Smith. I love it. Sometime this week I will sit down and creat my "Blessing Tree".  I encourage you to do the same.  Feel free to share it with me.  I would love to see the differences in everyones "Blessing Tree's".

***This evening as my son and I were coming home from a therapy appt we had a rather interesting discussion.  Or so I thought.  We spent the last 3 miles telling each other what we "thought the other person was good at".  My son told me some things that I can laugh at...yet its a tender spot in my heart.  I started this blog post with intentions on sharing them.  I have since decided to not share them because well.....even though my son thought he was telling me "good things"...they really are a reflection of how my son sees me.  And even though it might seem funny.  Deep down...it really isn't. 

***I'm headed to bed early...bc well I 'broke' the rules of the 'healthier' eating plan and think I'm going to be sick.  Taking a hot shower and going to bed seem like good ideas to me right now.

True Friendship

I've pondered those 2 words in the title several times over the last few months.  Adding to it the question "Are you a TRUE friend?"

Often we find ourselves (or maybe not so often in some cases) among friends who will say; "Sweetheart, feel free to call me at any time.  I'm always here for you." 

I've only had one friend that I could call a true friend....until recently.  A few years ago, something happened and it all changed.  Over the course of the last few years, I've remained a true friend to her.  Offering advice, love, care, listening ear, and so forth in times of need.  I've dropped everything to be at her hospital bed.  For weeks that turned into months on end.  For a long time she cried, supported, nurtured me in times of need.  And I did the same for her.  I would still do the same for her.

Over the last several months (few years) I've discovered much to my dismay that this friendship has turned from a mutual true best friend friendship to something different.  Boundries were broken. 

As I have slowly come to the conclusion and acceptance that this particular friendship has changed; it has been quite painful to me. 

In the process, I've gained a few other extremely close friends.  Friends who, may not take the place of friendship, but have stepped in and taken up residence in my heart in a much deeper fashion. 

I've learned over the last several months that True Friendship is about so much more than what I ever envisioned before. 
This is not to say the above friendship is down the tubes and I've walked away from the pain, drama, and frustration that comes along with it. 

It is to say:  I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own.  And in return:  I beleive that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about their friend and will guard that person and protect their confidences as if they were my very own.

I know I am not a perfect friend.  I am opinionated, get angry at times and often find myself being short.  I am often impatient.  I have no doubt in my mind that I have hurt my friends feelings out of ignorance and anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared. I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.

I'm blessed to have True Friends who have recently taken me under their wing.  Eat horrible nasty comfort food and watch trashy movies.  Who offer to pick my kids up for school, meet me at the hospital and bring me lunch on days when I dont' think I can keep on keeping on.  For that; I'm forever blessed!