Sometimes...

There are just no words.
No picture to capture a thought or mood today.
No words that can really comfort my heart.

My dh did something today that I'm certain he feels is 'ok'.
It is not.
I was so hurt and upset that I was unable to express that to him.
This is not a blog about our disruption.  I will not say what or how or anything of the sorts on this blog.
I will say ....it adds a son to my anxiety and depression that wasnt needed.
My biggest freeking fear.  Will come true before I know it. 
And I don't know that I can handle that.

So for today there are no real words of anything.

I accompanied my family to Sacrament this morning.  Today was the Ward Primary Presentation.  What beautiful spirits these children are.  My son, was asked to give a lil 2-3 sentence talk.  Which he did and did so beautifully.  Such a handsome young man.  Such a sweet spirit. 

Sitting next to me was my daughter, who is no longer in Primary.  She is now in Young Women's.  On our way to church this morning she informed me about what she is doing in her Personal Progress Goals (Personal progress is similiar to Eagle Scout Award) for young women ages 12-18 years old.  As she spoke, I choked down the tears. The pain in my chest was deep.  Listening to this beautiful young lady speak about her Faith.  Her her love for her Father in Heaven.   And with Faith...anything can happen she told me this morning.

Fighting to keep my head above water most days  I am not the example that I should be.  I swear way to much. I refuse to go to church with them. I hear my own Youth Leaders voices as telling me as a Young Women, a few years older than my daughter "__ you lead by example, keep the faith that you have strong...and your mother will follow."  And here I am...listening to my daughter talk to me about faith.  And wondering.....is what her leaders are telling her.  "_ if you leave by example, keep the faith that you have strong....and your mother will follow?" Is it?  Am I failing my children in an area that once,  was so incredible strong and yet now makes me physcially ill just walking into the building?
 I am missing so much in my childrens lives!

I need to compose myselfand put lunch in the oven.  My husband and children will be home in a few minutes and last I want to do is answer questions about why I've been crying for the last 2+ hours.

Breathing is Good

It's late.  Very very late.  Way past this momma's bedtime.  I'm working late night pm's this week.  I've also picked up 3 overtime short shifts in the mornings.  Yesterday, well actually Wednesday bc it is now technically Friday, I was able to come home and sleep.  And sleep I did. I woke up 2 hours later...drinched in sweat and a bite mark on my hand.  Damn, I hate it when that happens.  :o)

Today, I agreed to extra work early this morning.  On very little sleep from the night before, I was unable to take a nap when I came home from work this morning (Thurs).  I turned down all extra work for this morning (Fri Am). I can't do it.  I need to breathe.  I need to sleep.  Taking extra work again would just be setting myself up to fail.

The last 2 days have been bad days. 
Yes, I worked. And I know that is functional. 
Which is the goal - I guess.  However, it came at a very high cost. 

This morning, I was greeted by the security supervisor for my job.  I had an issue and needed to discuss it with him.  While discussing it with him he brought up a comment that another coworker told him I made.  Geniunely concerned he told me he could give me a referal to our Employment Crisis Intervention team.  A few months ago, after my coworker/friends accident, that took the life of someone...I met with them.  I have no plans on meeting with them again.

Lesson learned.  Don't say stupid crap in front of other coworkers.  No matter how damn tired you are...it is never wise to mention you you have thought about dong something really stupid..  Yeah.....I know from experience....you can't say those things unless you know 100% the people/person isn't gtoing to come back to bite you in the ass in the end.

For now, I'm still breathing.
Sometimes, fast and rapid breathes and others barely able to muster up the strenght to keep on moving.  Regardless,....for today I'm breathing.

And.....Breathing is good.

As I was working this evening I had thought about something I wanted to write out on here.  I actually, wrote/thought the entire blog post in my head.  I've come home from work and taken some meds...not my regular meds..in hopes that they will make me tired enough to sleep and sleep SOUNDLY!!!  And, I'm beginning to feel the effects.

Chocolate

.....for me it would be chocolate.

I've consumed an ungodly amount of chocolate in the last 24 hours.  Seriously, how I'm not in a comma is beyond stinking me!!

If you know anything about gastric bypass - you know that chocolate (aka: sugar) is not supposed to be your friend.  And in many cases it is not my friend.  However, chocolate and I've went to an all new level.

I just got off the phone with my doctors office.  I think I will go get some more chocolate.  Not a wonder why I'm so fat.

Link

Sleep isn't always my friend.

The last few weeks, sleep and I've been cursing each other out something fierce.  Read my previous post regarding medication.  Instead of not sleeping bc of this/that/tit/tat...it is more because I'm not able to sleep because of never ending energy that one shouldn't have at 2am.  Often, when I'm unable to sleep, I will toss and turn and curse and toss some more. 

For whatever reason I came across this link last night as I was up...cooking. (If you know me...you KNOW...I DON"T COOK!!)  Anyway, i hits home on many different levels.

As I read these 3 annonymous accounts from beautiful and strong ladies, my heart crumbled to pieces. Even though my own story is a tad different, it is equally the same.  I pray that I will be able to get to a point where I can find healing and comfort instead of guilt and shame.

Weary

I've had a little break from the downward spiral I had been in.

Struggling to find a happy-medium with the medication combo I'm on.  I have had issues with malabsorption since my gastric bypass several years ago.  And, since that time it has been frustrating finding a middle ground.

I'm not a medication fan.  I'm frustrated right now and having a very hard time not saying forget it. 

Today would be one of those days if you asked me 'are you glad you had gastric bypass? '  I would have to be very honest and say no.  Weary is the only real thing that comes to mind. 

Hope

Trying very hard to hold on to the tiny string.

Tired

I don't remember writing last nights post.

I asked my husband if he wrote it.

He said "I don't read or even know how to log into your blog(s).  Why would I write a blog post about your medication issues".

He then said "How do you know if you wrote a blog post if you don't remember doing it?"
My response:  "I get google reader notifications bc I like to make sure I 'read' what I write - albiet choppy and crappy and full of gramatical errors".

My response continued on...."and for times when I actually am so incredible tired from not sleeping worth crap for several days and then having to set my alarm for 3am = 2 days in a row."
He then said:  "Oh...yeah so no...I did not write a blog post for you.  And did you call your pdocs office, yet?"

Meds

I hate them!

A few weeks ago, my pdoc changed my meds from extended release to regular release.  We discussed that I was most likely not absorbing any of my medication.  (I have significant malabsorption isssues).

Initially, the quanity per day/dose was to much.  I have played around with the amount I have taken each day for the last few weeks.  If I stay at 2 p/day I tend to do okay.

However, as soon as I increase back to 3 pills a day....not so good.  It is really a tough call between "are you really doing better?  are you doing SO MUCH better that yo uare not realizing that this is what life should be like?  Or could the dose be to high/to much at once?"

These are all things I've ran back and forth in my lil head. I discussed it a lil bit with J* on Tuesday when I saw her. I've not discussed it with my pdoc yet.  It is now late Thursday evening, I have to work on Friday and at the rate I'm going I am afraid that if I leave my house....sh*t might hit the fan.

As I mentioned, I've been staying right around 2 pills per day.  This week I thought I would try to increase it to the regular dose.  Instead of taking 3 full pills p/day I tried 2.5.  I've taken 2.5 pills every day this week.  Yesterday, I was agitated.  But who wouldn't be agitated when they have to get up at 3am and go to work?  I had to do the same thing today.  And even though I'm extremely tired...aka: fell into a deep sleep during my 90 minute massage today and cann barely keep my eyes open now...if I go to bed I will just lay there. 

J* wondered if the dose is to high/to fast and if I wasn't a tad ont he hypo-manic side.  Even though I'm not really bothered by the effects I'm having from the medication, those around me are.  I tend to get upset and mad easisly; often blowing off steam.  

Today in the realm of things was a bad day.  Day 4 of taking 2.5 pills is to much.  I saw my PCP today and mentioned to her the 'difference'.  She suggested sticking with 1 or 2 tablets andmaking sure I get in touch w/my pdoc.  UGH!

....I will have to finsih this post some other time.  I keep falling asleep.  And since sleep has come very infrequently lately...I will take it when I can get it.

~Weekend Highs and Lows~

Over the last few weeks (and months to be honest)....I have needed pick me up.

 In August my family and I traveled to the Windy City to meet up with a sweet soul sister and her family.  Then 2 weeks later my children and I traveled to her home town on Labor Day weekend of loving on each other.  On my way back to my home state (6 hour drive) she sends me a txt that her dh had something he wanted to come see this weekend in our hometown area.  

Early last she came down with pneumonia.  Then her littles got sick.  My brother in law let us borrow his pop-up camper.  And so on Friday afternoon they left for what ended up being a few hours longer.

The weekend started off with a great big bang.   *insert a LARGE sarcastic tone* 

Half-way to our home their oldest child started vomitting.  After a 6 hour trip ended up being much longer they arrived at our home.  Hugging her sweet neck was what my heart needed.  Little did we know what the next 24 hours would have in store for her family. 

We headed to the Capitol to the infamous Farmer's Market. We had a coworker/friend of mine join us at the Capitol and for lunch.  Her husband went off on his own to explore and take in what the City had to offer in the bustling downtown area.  We left my husband home w/her 2 littles, my 2 children and my nephew.  Then one of my other nephews came over and a few neighbor girls to visit my daughter.  After we ate lunch it became obvious that her son was not getting better and needed to seek medical treatment.  If anything, I was thinking he had got dehydrated and needed some fluids. I truly thought in my heart when we arrived at the Satellite ER in a suburb of the City....that he would receive fluids and we would be on our way back to my home. 

Unfortunately, that was not the card that was dealt.  I picked her husband up in town. And then we returned to my home to pick up a few neccesities for her dh while he accompianied their very ill son, who was taken by ambulance,  to the City where he was admitted in a larger hospital.  (The hospital he was orginally at was only a ER...this is a new concept in our area and I actually love it. It was our 2nd time going there. They so wonderful.  D* received exceptional care.)

She returned to her hometown late Sunday evening.  Leaving her husband and son here.  Orginally, it was thought that her son would spend more than just a few days in the hospital.  She tied up some loose ends at home and work.  Then turned around and made the trip back North to be w/her husband and son.  And of course...me. 

By the time she arrived last night her son had made a complete turn around and was ready to be released from the hospital.  Prayers were answered. 

They are getting a good night sleep (I hope...it is still early here) and will return home sometime today.

It has been such a blessing to be w/their family during this trying time. I can't even begin to imagine how incredible stressful it has been. I can imagine....and I know I wouldn't have kept myself together as well as she has.

I will get to see her a lil bit longer this morning. I've fought a cold for several days. Nothing to significant and nothing that a little tylonal couldn't help.   As the day progressed yesterday and into the night my chest became heavier and heavier.  I called in sick for work today.  Orginally, I had thought maybe I would book off for my morning routes and then go back this afternoon/evening.  My head hurts to much and quite frankly the stress and bs that is surround my job is making me batshit crazy.

I will get another hug and a few laughs in before she leaves!!

And

will be thinking about when we will be getting back together to love on each other!!