Eleven...

In my post a few weeks ago I mentioned that something has happened with this new therapist.  It is the first time in 15 yrs of therapy...actually 16 years that someone was not afraid to touch the root of what is going on.  My last therapist, N., she saw it.  She knew what was going on.  However, 2 shoulder surgeries in the first 5 months of seeing her didn't give her the ability to dig deep into what was going on.  She did more stabilization and working on building trust and some light(er) ground work. 

ELEVEN.

That is the number of therapist I have had prior to seeing R.

She is the first person to address the abuse and trauma head on and not back off.  She hasn't let "me" get scared, freak out and tell her nope, nadda, not going there, nothing....and backed off.  Instead, in those moments she has hunkered down and said what I needed to hear.

"Do you want to get better...?"

Yes....

Hello June....

Here is it June.  Only the 2nd or 3rd post of the year.  I wish that I could say that life is wonderful. Life is peachy. Life is all roses.  Actually, life is still hard.  Hard as hell.  But, at the end of the day....I have continued to get up.  Which is what I promised myself and my kids I would do regardless of how hard it is.

The last post in March I had just began seeing a new therapist.  It wasn't going very well.  It wasn't her... instead it was more the reason why I was there. Having any choice in who I saw at this clinic wasn't an option and well...it wasn't going well.

It's been almost 3 months since I first started seeing R.  It hasn't been easy.  Holy hell it hasn't been hard as hell.  I really want to say hard as fuck.  But I've been trying to refrain from using the F word. That doesn't always go very well.

For the first time in 15 years of therapy...something has happened.  Something pretty damn big.  Something that isn't always easy to wrap my head around.

I will try to "talk" about that in my next blog post.

M.I.A.

Life....things....it has collectively went down hill over the last several months. 

Another therapist change. This time by no other choice than lovely insurance change.  That I had no control over. Beaurocratic bullshit got in the way.  After being on a waiting list for several months I was scheduled with a new therapist. Someone I knew nothing about. The verdict is not out yet on what I think about her...It's still fairly new and fresh.

I'm fed up with people and life in general. I can't return to my job.  Living with physical pain daily.  Unable to scratch my damn back if I needed to because I can't move my arm.  Loosing my home.  Will loose my job...because someone didn't do their job.  Lost my therapist whom I loved.  I'm crazy as shit and I'm fed up.  Simple fed up.  If I could figure out a way for it all to go away.....I would in a heartbeat.

The only semi bright spot in my life was a week long visit to Utah the beginning of the month to see my dear friend D and her family.  It was a wonderful reset that my entire body needed!!

Same old stuff....

Today... Just like many other days tends to be rough. The theme is always the same. 

Today...I'm figuring out how to go through the motions. It is the longest I have went without seeing a therapist in many years. Truthfully, the last time it was this long with no end in site resulted in disaster. 

Disaster lies on the horizon. No therapist. No psychiatrist. Nadda.  

I'm not working. Managed to fail interview for important promotion.  

I have managed to push many, if not all, of those who supported me away. Try as I might continue to sucdeed. 

Failure rings loud and clear.  So loud I can't hear much else.   

Wordless Wednesday with Words

Several years ago when I began blogging there was this thing that would go around the blogging community called "Wordless Wednesday". Often moms (that is only blogs I read) would post some cute or not so cute picture of their children or life.  With no words.  Just a picture.  Sometimes there would be words.  Sometimes the pictures were edited to have words on them.  Other times the pictures portrayed a picture and the point was easy to get....

Here is my Not-So-Wordless-Wednesday Post...
It pretty much sums things up...

Self Harm...

Self harm is disturbing. It is brutal.  Yet, often it is the way I feel.  It is a way to bring sensation into my the body and fill a void.  Self harm is something I've battled off and on for the last 10 years. It  probably is something I have battled for more than 10 years.  However, right now it is what I can remember.  It started out very minor.  I can honestly say I never thought of the things I did as self harm.  The important part for me to remember....much of what I've done (and do) is done on an unconscious level.  It is almost always in times of distress and overwhelm.  I often feel like my body is an empty cavern.  Inside that emptiness is a bucket of emotions that are void to my knowledge.  They are locked up and sealed with a ton of duct tape.  It is when I inflict injury upon myself I am able to feel a small portion of those emotions...in a painful, yet satisfying, sensation.

I don't self harm because I like it.  I don't believe anyone does.  I hate every aspect of it.  I don't like it for a moment. I struggle talking about it.  It is like a drug.  Drugs are addicting.  Self harm is addicting.  Instead of washing away all of my emotions and memory with the drug, I allow myself to for once feel something.  Being able to allow the void to fill, even when it is a small smidgen of some sort of emotion.

I'm aware that many parents freak and flip out when they find out their child has been hurting themselves.  I'm a parent.  I can't say that I wouldn't struggle in much of the same way as many parents.  Yet, because I understand some of what lies underneath the behaviors, I hope and pray that if I am presented with the same situation as many parents, I will be able to respond differently.  This isn't about teens. It isn't about my children.  It is about me.  A 40 something adult.  Struggling more with these behaviors and emotions than I ever have in my life.

Not understanding the reasons behind self harm leads people to jump to conclusions like suicide, manipulation, attention seeking, ect ect.  Those who don't understand what self harm is really about believe that those who act upon the urges to hurt themselves are martyers, selfish, seeking attention, and often believe there is a need for major psychological intervention.  

In some cases, the above might be true.  However, in many cases it is completely the opposite.  It is completely the opposite in my case.  What I need is someone who is willing to truly listen and understand.  I've never cut myself and even though I've never done it.... doesn't mean I don't understand it.  I've battled the urges to cut myself many times in recent months.  Often for me, those urges come by accident.  While I'm cutting something for dinner and accidentally slip and hurt myself.  The thought to follow through and cut myself again, on purpose...gets stronger and stronger.

I have recently participated in one or more of self harm behaviors.  I am not proud of myself.  In fact, I hate every aspect and myself.  I have struggled a lot with  not being able to use the tools I know I have.  Finding a safe, useful, method to release and find the sensation and emotions that I am seeking.
Think for a moment or two, that your body is numb.  You can not feel anything.  You have completely lost all feeling.  Then, paralysis starts to sink in.  You get frustrated because you don't know what to do.  You want the sensation back again.  You want to feel your body again.  What do you think you would do?  Take a moment and imagine you have finally found something that will help you get that sensation and emotion you are seeking...that would allow your body to feel again.  Would you act upon it?  Would you take it?

I've said this before and will again, most individuals who act on self harm urges do not do it for attention.  Ultimately, it is to finally feel something.  It is to release an overwhelming abundance of trapped emotions.

It is helpful for me when I have someone who is willing to listen without passing judgement.  This person has to understand and continue to love me through all of the hell that I put myself and them through.  I have a someone in my life who does not freak out.  If she could be with me I'm pretty certain she would sit with me.  She has sat next to me. She has laid next to me, as I've sobbed uncontrollable and the urges to follow through have been flooding every ounce of my body.
Instead of freaking out and feeling like I need to be hospitalized she has cried with me, she has asked what she can do to help me get through every single tough patch.

This is why I am writing this post.   I know there are those of you out thee who are reading this and know someone who struggles with much of the same self harm issues that I do.  I want  to give you some insight and reasoning behind this awful part of mental illness.  I also want to challenge you to do the very same for them that I have had done for me. I have given you the perspective from someone who has and does live with it every.single.day of her life.

I leave you with my hope that you can/will take it upon yourself to listen-truly listen-to whomever it is you may know.  I ask you to love this person no matter what.  Unconditionally... love them with all your heart.  I ask you do do your best not to judge.  It is hard. I know.  Lastly, I ask you to take it upon yourself to try and understand fully.  From their side, not yours.  This is critical if your friend, loved one, spouse, child, whomever it might be, for this person to learn to trust you.

There are extremes to self-harm in which psychiatric help is necessary, I am for not one moment saying there isn't.  However, not everyone needs immediate attention. I am just trying to feel again.  Feel and not be numb.  It is much easier to not be so numb and regain a little bit of the feeling that I'm seeking when those around you are not freaking out about the methods in which you help yourself feel.  Instead, helping them feel your love and understanding may be....all they need!

Finding My Voice...slowly...again!

Over the last several months blogging has been incredible hard for me. Somewhere along the way I have struggled with finding my voice and wanting it to be heard. 

Truth be told, I have not been doing very well. On the surface...to the naked eye...one may think I've got my crap mostly together and am doing good. 

There are many faces of mental illness. Those closest to me know the depth of just how yucky the waters have been.  Those who matter most and who truly care have stuck by myside. 

I've lost my voice when it comes to blogging. There isn't really any rhymn or reason. It isn't as therapeutic as it once was. My current therapist has asked me a few times what it would take for this part of my life to be a safe place again. Honestly have not been able to tell her. 

I do believe that there is one small element that does know. The next chapter is being able to be comfortable with truly opening up and putting myself out there and writing about some pretty tough topics. In doing so it puts myself in a position of having people in my everyday life knowing about some of the deep rooted and tough things that have/are happening. 

Recently, I was approved for TMS booster session. I was able to complete 10 of the 14 sessions scheduled. 

In spirit of finding my voice in blogging again my next post will be on how the booster sessions have went. 

Sunday Evening Random Ramblings...

I'm here.  Surviving.  Busy. There's good. There's bad.  There's really good. And then there's really bad. It is an never ending up and down battle.

There is good in many things.  My children are growing. Thriving. And seem to have adjusted well to school.  We've got some personal issues with one of my children that has triggered some pretty crappy things w/in my own trauma history.  My youngest did not come home from school every day the first week begging to be home schooled.  He was super excited that one of his buddies from church, who has been home schooled until this grade, was in everyone of his classes.  They sit together or w/in a few seats in every class.  It was a great start to what was highly dreaded.

This was the first time in many years, okay ever, that I didn't want to send my kids back to school.  I've been off work since the beginning of February. I had surgery again right before school ended.  We had some pretty sweet moments this summer.  I loved having them home and I miss them after 4 day being back at school.

Twin Falls, Idaho
Day 8 of 15

We took a 15 day, 5000 mile, to many states to count, cross country road trip.  We visited my grandparents, my birth father's family, and then went to Utah and stayed w/my BFF for a night, spent the day w/her family on the weekend, and stayed w/my in laws.  We were ready to pull into our driveway after 15 days of being gone.  It was a wonderful trip and we made some good memories.

My children were not thrilled about riding in the car.  They wanted to fly. We've never done anything like this.  Our furthest road trip was about 5-6 hr drive.  Having the 1st leg of our trip be 28 hrs of driving was a bit scary.  We made it fun and stopped in a few different places along the way to stretch and do some sight seeing.  My 15 yr old is a budding photographer and kept her camera in her lap/near by the entire trip.

Today, there was a comment to something posted on my facebook blog page.  The first sentence was a kick in the gut.  "Think more positive."  Sure. Yep. I know I need to be more positive.  The remaining part of the message didn't come across well, either.  My gut tells me it was all in support and love. However, that is not what I heard.  The timing wasn't the best.

I've been at a fairly low place.  Therapy is hard.  It is *insert several curse words* hard.  The more intense it gets the more alone I feel. Yet, I know I am not. Truthfully,  I haven't felt this alone since sitting in hospital a week before the court hearing to disrupt our adoption. It's the kind of alone that makes me think...nobody gets it.  My therapist doesn't. My husband doesn't. My bff doesn't. My family doesn't.  During that time in the hospital, I had a visitor who happened to be the Relief Society President.  Her and I go way way back.   Sitting with another friend in church today, who I know 'gets mental illness' on a very personal level, I was reminded of the same message that my relief society president shared with me several years ago.  The Lord put the same message in my head today as he did that day.  And it brought me to tears.

Fear not! I am with thee.
Oh, be not dismayed.
For I am thy God.
And will still give thee aid!
I'll strengthen thee,
Help thee
And cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I know that I am loved. I know that I am not alone. I know these things.  However, it is so very hard to remember in the depths of hell.

That Thing I Hate....

I'm here.  Kinda.  Not really sure where to start. What to say. I'm not sure how much I want to say.

In May, I was blessed to be able to head to Utah and spend some much needed time with my best friend and her family.  It was a much needed trip and "Beauty in Tough Times" was really what I needed at that point.  My husband and I spoke a several times about having me go to see D* and her family after my surgery the beginning of May.  Each time my husband saying "you have no clue how well you will recover....it is best you go before".  He had a very good point.

I have had 3 shoulder surgeries in 2 years and 4 surgeries in the last 6 months.  Needless to say the clump of hair on the shower drain wasn't much of a surprise this morning.  Even though I expected it to happen at some point, I wasn't fully prepared for it.

My head hasn't been in a particularly good space lately.  Talking about it is pretty tough.  I don't even know what or how much to say about it with the people that are closest to me.

There are several different reasons.  Several possible reasons.  All have a rather large combined impact.  These "other" things have all taken their toll collectively.

I don't really want to write about any of it.  So I haven't.  The reasons don't really matter.  What truly matters is how I manage each of these things together w/o coming apart at the seams.

One of the things, for me, that is the hardest right now is feeling alone.  Ultimately, I feel I am coping with this alone.There is no one offline who I feel really gets it that lives within close proximity.  My best friend lives 5 states away.  And then there is the part of me that struggles with not wanting to bother anyone else anyway.

Take this afternoon as an example.  I did need someone in person. I did need someone to check in with.  I have a friend who lives in close proximity (same town) as I do.  She can be somewhat triggering and I can handle her in small doses.  After spending a majority of the day wavering back and forth in the world of suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts spinning, having not ate anything other than a banana, I decided to call her.  After I was sitting in my car at McD's I called her.  She was going to bed. Little did I know she had posted on FB 2 minutes before she was going to bed and if anyone woke her she would kill them.  Didn't tell her what I really wanted.  And really didn't want to bother her.  I told her I would talk to her some other time.  Sat in my car for another half hour before texting someone else and coming home and crawling into bed.

Things are cloudy.  Thoughts spinning non-stop.  I know I catastrophise to the point of no return, in my mind.  I think that things are at the very worst they have ever been.  I start obsessing how about how to change and manage things. The more I try to figure it out the worse it gets.  My mind has been in chaos.  Generally much greater chaos that it is in reality.

It's scary and much worse than it probably sounds.  I struggle with how to stop and just have calm. The struggle continues to keep things quiet and keep it from escalating further in my mind.

You know the thing I really hate about mental illness?  There are actually many things that I hate about mental illness.  On so many different levels.  I've thought about it a lot over the last several weeks.  The one thing that I really hate....

That deep need to just curl up and hide...it NEVER seems to go away.  EVER!

I struggle a ton with lack of motivation.  I've not worked since the first week of February.  Even when I am motivated to go about life and do things....I still have the deep seeded feeling inside of "I want to curl up and hide".

I know that I can't curl up and hide.  I know it is just a feeling.  It is still there.  It is still incredible lonely.  And it makes everyday life and functioning 10x harder.

I still get up every damn day.  I still keep going every day. I still keep doing all the things I normally do.  I still am a mom.  I still keep being me. I still keep resisting the urge to curl up and hide for a very long time.

Almost every day.

That feeling it is still there.  Regardless of how much I get up.  I keep trying.  I do things to keep myself busy. I do things that I enjoy. I do things that I want to be doing with my family.  I try like crazy to enjoy life.  I try like crazy to enjoy my children. I take my medication (when I'm on meds). I don't miss appointments. I go to weekly therapy and physcial therapy.

I interact with others. I enjoy life at times. To the naked eye - I do well.  Yet, deep down the need to curl up and hide is still there. The need to turn the constant spinning off in my head is still there.  It never really goes away.

All these things are just part of managing this beast.  Yet the beast is still there.  It never goes away.  Ever.

I keep going. I hate to be told "but you keep going..." because deep down...this crap never goes away.  And when I'm told "but you keep going, you keep getting up, you keep managing......."

There is a part in my head that says when you say that to me...you are dismissing what I'm feeling.

And all this, is perhaps what I hate about this illness.

Beauty in Tough Times

Late April I found out I would need to have another surgery on my shoulders. Even though I knew it was bound to come to this (and knew it was needed) it was quite a blow. I had 2.5 weeks to physically, mentally, and everything else to prepare. 

One of the things my husband agreed would be needed and best was to spend an extended weekend with my best friend in Utah. 

On a Tuesday afternoon airline tickets were bought. 

Friday afternoon...

I landed in Salt Lake City for a weekend with a pretty special lady and her family. 

D* picked me up and we headed to a local Flower Garden a Tulip Festival. It was one of the last days the 'Tulip Therapy' would be available for viewing. 

The Lords beauty and handiwork were surrounding D* and I. Our friendship and love for each other made it even more special. 

Acres upon acres of beautiful landscape. Breathtaking views all around. 

The next morning I no longer was the 'friend inside moms phone' and met her family. I not only got to spend the weekend with her family but had the opportunity to attend family members college graduation, meet siblings and visit with her parents. 

Her family took me on a few dirt therapy excursions into the canyon/mountains. 

Beauty surrounded us on all sides. It truly is wonderful therapy. On Monday evening after a hard afternoon for myself and in general we went out for another therapy session. 

Tuesday morning came way to fast. One of the hardest good-byes I've ever had. Knowing what laid ahead with my surgery the next Monday. 

So thankful we were able to spend time together. Blessed by her family. Each one of her children and spouce offered something different and filled me up in a way that was needed. I've spent many moments browsing the picture I took from my phone that weekend while laying in bed. My surgery has been rough. I knew would be. Just wasn't prepared for the emotional aspect. 

 

Love this quote. And this pic was one of my favorites taken that special weekend. There were many photos that I loved.