The Day

....is today.

Last minute chiropractor appt.  When I was adjusted yesterday my neck wasn't quite right afterwards.  And my sciatic is screaming.

Next stop : hospital for surgery.

Yes I Can

Yes, I can.
Yes, I will.
Yes, I did!
Make today count!
Courtesy of:  Begin with Yes

I can...
I will...
I am trying....


To make each moment and day count. 

Do you need a pick me up?

Read this blog post if you do.
So This One Time at Target....

It will have you belly laughing before you know it.

Blessings

I've posted this here before.  I've posted how this song speaks volumes to my heart.  Often, in moments when I haven't believed I could go on any further.

I can't find the words this evening to go along with what is truly running threw my head.  So instead of saying much at all...I will post this video.  Which speaks volumes on many different levels.

Flower Unwilling to Bloom

Sometimes we are like a flower unwilling to bloom. We hang on tightly to things that no longer serve us, and our hearts and hands aren’t able to fully open to receive the gifts the Universe has planned for us. But when we allow ourselves to bloom, we not only receive those gifts--we become them! Courtesy of: Begin with Yes

Headed Home

The week has went from bad to worse.  From the very beginning it has been a whirlwind of chaos.

My heart hurts right now more than I could ever begin to admit.

My expectations are to high.  And my daughter thinks that she means shit to me.   Her words not mine. 

It has taken every ounce of my energy to pull myself together and out of the black hole of depression I've been in.  It has been at every turn and curve.  Yet, I have muddled threw it. 

I can say it is a good thing I am not driving home.  We wouldn't arrive in one piece.

Day 2

It is 10:30am on the 2nd day of my 'funeral leave'.  Unable to get up and move my body forward.  Sure my shoulder hurts.   It isn't that I can't move because I hurt.  I don't want to.

Grief is one of those things that hits you when you least expect it. 

And today...I just wanna go back home.
And today...I just wanna not have this pressing ache in my gut.   The one that mourns for what should/could have been.  The one that mourns the loss of a child whom sits in a small town jail...awaiting his court date on Monday. 

And for today ...I don't want to he reminded why/how I got an extra 3 days off work.

R & R

Trying to get a little R & R.
Trying to stay cool.
Trying to keep my shoulder mobilized...in hopes to reduce pain.
Trying to not think about my upcoming surgery.
Trying to not loose my patience with my almost teenage child...
Trying to keep my head above water...

Moving Forward....Only Forward

Embracing life for what it is worth.  I'm a tad overwhelmed (doesn't take much) as I think about what the weeks ahead will hold.  I'm excited and terrified all in one.  While I had another massage appt today I knew exactly what I needed and wanted going in.  I made sure to let H* know that I did not want to happen.  We discussed the possibility of how to deter the easily triggered portion of my massage.  This has been an ongoing theme.  Being able to discuss it with H* and have the ability to trust she would listen to me is priceless!


My gut twisted a bit as I spoke w/my surgeon this morning regarding my upcoming surgery.  The recovery will be tough.

Even more priceless is having someone you trust to have your well-being at heart.  I'm confident that I will be in one of the best hands among surgeons in this University town.  I am not seeing anyone at the University and WILL NOT be going to the University.  I was not just another number today as I spoke w/my surgeon. I was his patient.  I was someone whom he cares about.  Sure, he will get paid because I am his patient.  Unlike, the other surgeon I saw.  He sees me for WHO I am.  A patient w/an injury.

I will rest much easier when I leave the hospital knowing that my work comp insurance company hasn't tried to screw with me.  The Nurse Case Manager has attended all of my appts except last week when I went in for an emergency appointment.  She made it clear today that I had surgery approval and it was about time to get this show on the road and start getting better...that I've attempted to do everything in my power to get better and I continue to go backwards.  I hope and pray she is right.  That her employer will not be asshats and I will be well on my way to recovery..moving forward.  ONLY forward.

Motions

Going through the motions.  Hoping and praying each day the light will emerge.  Sometimes,  it shines.  Ever so lightly.  Letting me know that it is there.  Somewhere.  And if I continue to move through the motions..the tough stuff..it will shine brighter than I've ever scene .
~~~~~
I'm concerned about having surgery and being dependent on pain medication. 

I know they increase depression and agitation.   And yet, there will be no choice. 
~~~~

I have had very little success processing and understanding the stuff that came up this week in my appt with H*.  As long as I stuff that crap right back where it came from...I'm okay...for today.