Excerpt

Most people don't have to think about how they deal with life.  Suicide thinkers do.  Other people know how it feels good to run a mile,  look at their stamp collection, meditate e build a bird house,  garden, do a crossword puzzle.  They do these things instinctively.  Their thought process is not : "I feel like shit.  I'd better find some way to divert my attention and improve my mood before I fall deeper into despair. "  Their brain style allows them to cope with stress and pain,  like a car engine having enough gas and oil to keep it running smoothly.  My brain was (is) short on gas and oil.

Exerpt from "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain was Trying to Kill Me " by : Susan Rose Blauner

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Holy shit does that paragraph resonate DEEPLY with me today.  As in deep.  Depression and the bs surrounding it has taken up residence in my brain today.  And when I say deep I mean.....deep!  I'm out of gas.  Running on empty far to long.

Overwhelmed and Tiresome

At this very moment I am ready to give up. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry!

This fight to getting help, finding a better place, balance and whtvr else you call it is incredibly tiresome and overwhelming.

I can't do it anymore.
I don't want to do it anymore.

Ouch

I woke up this morning in incredible amount of pain.  I can't say it is any one area.  I slept horrible, which is really not anything new.  But worse than usual.

Days like today that not being able to take pain medication, specifically anti inflammatory ones, bites! !

Feelings vs Thoughts

I have pulled out my handy dandy book "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention".  I've had this book for 5-6 years.  I've read it front to cover a few times. 

Occasionally, I pull it out and open it to any page.  Believing that whatever page I open up will be what is needed for me at that time. At times I find myself getting upset with whatever it is that I might be reading. 

It is my plan right now to re-read the entire book. 

Here are a few thoughts that have stuck out to me so far.  I've only read a few 'pages'.  The following really seemed to sink in. More than ever before.

Suicide begins as a thought.  That thought is then driven by negative FEELINGS.  Such feelings are temporary (even though it doesn't ever feel like that in the moment) and are definitely changeable.  The Author states "Suicidal is not a feeling".  These thoughts are paired with feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, and desperation.  It is crucial to separate these feelings from the thoughts of suicide.  Personally....this is a really hard concept for me.  As I try hard to notice the thoughts and feelings associated with the physical and emotional pain that I am experiencing...(specifically physical since that seems to be brought on by emotional pain), I find it extremely hard to differentiate between the thoughts vs feelings. These things didn't develop overnight and they will for sure not go away over night.

The day has been long.  Filled with lots of commotion.  I'm ready for some downtime. And the next step is in the "Tricks of Trade" portion of the book.  I am going to spend sometime reading the tricks of the trade portion of this book - creating a crisis plan.  One that I can keep on an index card w/me at all times.  It has been a long time since I've had one that I've kept in my datebook.  Several years to be honest.  The last week...I've needed something quick and easy on more than one occasion.  Something that I can pull out.  Glimpse over and attempt to find some sort of relief in remembering that these THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. 

I want to add a few other thoughts.....I have a ton of different tools.  I've spent enough years in therapy that I've got the tools to use.  I know them. I often use them (even though it doesn't seem like it.)  At the end of the day....Depression is a lying bastard! Plain, cut, simple, and dry.  It is this saying that I read on another blog readers blog a few months back that....is so incredible difficult to remember in those dark moments.  During my last appt w/J* she basically said the same thing on more than one occasion.  "That is the depression speaking.....it is not true...blah blah blah.." and each time she would say this I would think (and tell her) "Eff..that!"  It is true. I know it is.  Today...I'm able to see and hear that.  There is no promise that tmw or the next day or next month I will be able to remember, see, hear....BELIEVE it. 

Taking my Own Advice

Today is my Friday.
Work was more than stressful.
Saturdays for me at this time are usually very uneventful.

Reality is:  it is winter, cold, dreary, and most of the drunks and riff-raff middle and high school kids are not up until about the time I get off work.

By 9:25am...my morning was eventful.  It started at one side of town.  It continued for nearly 2 hours.  And hot damn was it a long 2 hours.

During that time, I continued to remind myself that I needed to "just breathe".  Something that has been very hard for me in recent days/weeks/months. 

This afternoon as I was writing an incident report about what happened I had the opportunity to think about the things that I said to one of my passengers.  The advice that I gave him to diffuse the situation, bring himself down off the ledge of freak-the-hell out mode...and how it really did pertain to myself. 

I am reminded that it is much easier to give advice, talk others off the ledge (and trust me the situation at hand was one of incredible intensity) and help them stay present...than it is for yourself.  I seen this particular person 2 more times during the course of my work shift.  And as he began screaming at some up-to-no-good teens...I walked up to him, calling him by name and reminded him what he needed to do.

I need a me in my everyday-to-day life.  Someone to remind me...to stop internalizing (in his case  flipping out on others) and to just take a deep breathe.

Things I'm Sick Of....

How fitting is it that I read this post titled "Things I'm Sick Of" by Depressed Mormon Mommy and then read a post of a dear friend who is hurting beyond words.  And one of the comments (actually there were 3 who were from the same person I'm 99% sure of) fits and was going to be part of this post that I'm writing. 

Depressed MoMo wrote out her lil diddy.  I will add my .02 cents.

*Top of the list and it was on hers...is well meaning (or not in my not so humble opinion) people, specially other mothers/women, telling me that if I was just happier, tried harder, was more positive, excersised more, drankk more water....blah blah blah....I would not be in the place that I am.

*Top of the list after the one above...and this just gets my blood pressure going.....people who tell others they should not have had children bc they suffer/struggle with mental illness.  Shut the fuck up.  Serious!  In my case, which I've not blogged a great deal about and in MANY cases.....there were issues.  But they were nothing signficant.  I never saw a therapist. I never even considered medication.  I never needed medication.  And I sure as hell was never suicidal.  The issues that I have were suppressed so incredible deep that it wasn't till after the birth of my son and a few other traumatic things that happened in my life....did the abuse and trauma come to the surface. 

and the list goes on.  However, right now...I'm not in any space to keep going w/it.  But these are just a few of the things that I'm more than sick of...that truly piss me off!!

Taking My Life Back...

...one step at a time.

Contrary to what my husband, therapist, close friend(s),psychiatrist and family, -- those who know me believe.  I do listen to them when given advice.  I don't always believe or agree.  However, it does go in and often will lay dormant for whatever time period it needs to.

Yesteday, I had an appt w/J.  Not much really to 'work on'.  More of a 'how do you get to the end of each day" type of montra.  What are some simple and easy things that you can do.

I have picked up the phone and called my PCP's office several times this week.  I need to see her, get her on the same page (up-to-date) and see if she has any way of getting me in sooner to the new psychiatrist in her clinic sooner.  Regardless, there are several different things I need to discuss w/her.  My husband gave me the ultimatum....make the appt or I will.  Few deep breathes later, I was speaking with one of her nurses and made an appt for Monday. 

Going back on lamictal, contrary to my own thoughts and beliefs....needs to happen.  Something even if it is minor needs to hold me over till April when I can get in for another opinion with Dr. S.  The thought of making an appt with my current psychiatrist, Dr. SB was to overwhelming.  I'm not very happy with her.  I want to be clear, not just bc I know J* occasionally reads my blog but bc I deep down have a love for Dr. SB, that even though I'm not to happy w/her...I understand where she is coming from and I can appreciate her stance on the entire med issue.  That being said, I also realize that going off the lamictal wasn't the best thing to do. In my head, all I could think about (and still do) is that "I was taking it as I was RX'd and still having really bad depressed days.  Still having suicidal ideation."  Here is the kicker...Off the med that is still happening.  As much as I hate to admit it, found myself verbalizing it even though I really didn't realize it till it came out of my mouth.....it is still happening....but it is different.  Much different.  There has been a shift from ideation to thoughts of actually doing self harm. 

This morning I called Dr. SB's office.  I made an appt for the soonest I can get in, which isn't for a month and I left a message in hopes we can do this via my therapist and phone consult.  I'm hesitant and don't believe that she will be willing to do this. I tried.  That is all I can do for today.

And the last thing I did...for me....was something that I've been contemplating and planning on for several months.  In the end, I was struggling with spending the $$ when things are tight for us to begin with.

After seeing J* yesterday, I left with a renewed commitment (okay not when I left but over the next several hours) to FIND airline tickets that were w/in my price range.  I went over my original budget of $200 but with in my 'latest budget of under $250'.  And I can't be more excited today to spend some awesome, very much needed, MOMMY only time...w/a group of wonderful women!! 

March 1st...can't come soon enough!

For today, things are a little bit lighter.  I am still struggling.  My fingers are extremely raw from picking my nails to the beds, clipping them till they can't be clipped anymore.  I've ate breakfast AND lunch.  And both were healthy.  Eating both of those 2 meals is more than I did all week.  Protien bar and dinner w/my family was all that I have been able to muster up this week.

And now...I'm off to work. Praying for a smooth afternoon.

Breathing

Do As One FB Status Reads:    Notice the space between your breaths. Hang out there for a moment or two.

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Very powerful for me today.  One of the things that I notice myself doing  when I'm down and out, being triggered, PTSD crap kicking in, or just in complete freak the heck out mode is....hold my breathe. 

The last massage I had didn't go so well.  In a world of fight or flight and trying hard to stay present, I found myself holding my breathe more than a few times.  As I've mentioned before that gal I see is great.  She always says something to me about it, bringing my thoughts (and breathe) back to the table.  And on this particular day....I did exactly what the above FB status reads..."notice the space between each breathe...was it short, long, weak, strong, labored, smooth". 
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This evening, again in a fit of furry.  PTSD raring its ugly head.  My son, crying bc of an ongoing freaking rash/open sores, my daughter wanting to go to the cell phone store and get a new phone (my sons phone took a bath in the washer....he was due for a new phone anyway.  So he will get my daughters and she will get a new one.  Thankfully, the cell company we use has some great deals on $1 phones. She is planning on using some of her babysitting money and purchasing one that is a bit nicer.)  Anyway, I was struggling.  Struggling w/my childrens needs, wants, and desires.  I WANTED to take my dd to the cell phone store but I could not bare the thought of leaving my house.  I wanted my dh to take her.  He can't.  It is in my name and to do things like get new contract/phones updated I have to go with them.  UGH UGH UGH.

I gave myself permission to come home and go to bed after my therapy appt.  Work was horrid. Chiro appt was horrid.  And therapy is just that..therapy.  It went okay but was just enough to make me want to come home and go to bed an dnot get up...ever.  I resisted that urge and other than a 20 minute hot shower...I stayed present w/what was going on.  Breathing wasn't something I was doing very well.  My dh noticed on several occasions and said "Do you always hold your breathe like that?"  That is all it takes for me to snap out of it.  For a few moments. 

~~~

I finally broke down and called my PCP's office and made an appt.  It took everything I had in me to do it.  As I stood in my kitchen in tears talking to my dh about making this appt he said "You need to do this."  And...I did.  I asked to speak to my PCP's nurse.  I got someone different.  However, she  was who I need to speak with this afternoon.  I have an appt. on Monday.  I have no expectations going in.  My dh was going to go with me. However, he has an appt at the same time that he has had to reschedule 2 different times bc of sick kids.  And he is not willing to change it.  I'm praying for the strength to lay it all out there.  I can only hope and pray that I'm in a space that I can do that.  Today or tmw...that would SOOOO not happen.  We shall see.  And....I will remember to breathe!!

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Looking to You

My strength is gone. 
I'm weary and weak.
And I'm laying it right down at your feet, Lord. 
I can't keep this fight up.

Plentiful

Tears have been plentiful today.
It is 2pm; And I still have nearly 4 hours left of work.
I have sat in my car for all of 30 minutes since I got off work at 930am.
I had an appt with surgeon after I got off work for 3 mon follow up.  It went as I expected. I will return in 3 mo
The stress of being the primary income/health insurance carrier is killing me.  Nearly freeking killing me!!
Contrary to what anyone else believes....I know that the balance that I'm currently balancing isn't working. 
And today...its nearly killing me.