Thankfulness Project Monday

It's Monday....

Which means it is THANKFULNESS PROJECT MONDAY.

GRACE:  I am thankful for the Lord's Grace.  Plain, cut, simple and dry.  The last week has been rather ugly.  And at the end of the day it is His grace and tender mercies that I try hard to find comfort in.

Soul Sisters:  I am quite certain this is going to be an ongoing part of my Thankfulness Project Monday post.  It brings me to tears every.single time I think about it.  This coming holiday weekend, I'm pretty certain I will be traveling about 5-6 hours to go visit one of the sweet soul sisters.  I couldn't be more excited.  I hope and pray that everything works out and I am able to make that trip.  We need to just sit and be!  Maybe even find some good finds at a thrift shop or two.  Oh' how I wish some of the other Soul Sisters could join us.  Soon though...I think we will be making a plan to see others if at all possible.



New Day

And for that I am thankful!

Little Bit of This-That...Self-Therapy Post (LONG)

I'm in need of a little therapy right now.
It is late on Sunday evening.
I don't feel like bothering anyone, my therapist office is closed (and quite honestly she/they are the very last people I want to speak to anyway), and so as one child is off in the family room watching heaven only knows what, my dh is reading 'back to school information for the new school our children will be attending' and another child sits next to me playing a hunting game on his hand held game....along with tv blaring some idiotic show. 
I'm depressed.  If you hadn't figured that out already by a few of the previous posts.

Sleep deprivation often leads anxiety and then leads to depression for me.  This week sleep and I have not been very good friends.  I've cursed more in the wee hours of the am than I have in a long time.  I've shed more tears in the early morning hours than I have in a long time.

I'm tired.  I want to take a week off work.  I want to stay in bed the entire time.  I want to take a very hot bubble bath and cry the entire time.   I sit on my computer and do nothing productive as a way to zone out. 

I need to eat healthier. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. I need to cut out sugars completely out of my life. I need to drink less diet soda.  I need to drink more water.  I need to take my vitamins. I need to give myself a B12 shot.  I need to do so much more on the self care spectrum.  I don't want to. I dont' want to do one damn thing of anything.  Just a few of the things I know I NEED to be doing....but don't WANT to.

I had hoped that the treatments I received earlier in the summer would be more helpful in this department.  Reality is I know it doesn't fix or even help the root of what is going on. 

I really needed to nip this in the bud earlier in the week before it got out of control.  I'm beyond knowing what I should do.

I may just have to give out an award to anyone who gets to the end of this choppy and rambling post. 

I'm burned out.  I'm tired. I'm sick of my job.  I hate my job.  I'm sure those reading this will say I should be thankful I have a job.  I am thankful I have a job.  That doesn't mean I can't hate my job.  I love what I do for a living.  I really do.  I've actually been doing this type of work on various levels for 11 years.  However, the intensity in this particular job can be overwhelming.  The people suck.  They are idiotic.  They are un-greatful.  They are full of entitlement.  They drive me to want to drink myself to sleep.  Only I've never had a drink in my life.  I need a vacation.  I only had a 'lil' vacation this year in March.  For 4 days.  It was wonderful.  But it wasn't a true blue vacation.  I've not been able to go on a vacation or take an extended amount of time off work because I've been sick.  I've used nearly 3 weeks of vacation and more unpaid time off since March...and most all was because I have been sick.  It is no wonder I'm burned out.

It is hard to put on a happy face and continue on working.  Reality is all I want to do is cry.  The really sad part is I have no real reason to cry.  I think I am putting on a happy face.  Specially when I am working.  When I was working on Friday afternoon something happened and I had to have a face-to-face with one of my supervisors.  I thought I was appearing to be happy and in an okay mood...  Yesterday after I got off work and was reporting in before I left for the day he mentioned that I looked like I was having a bad day on Friday.  Really?  Are you serious? Because...I REALLY thought I had put on that poker face.  Screw it.  Why try when I'm obviously not doing a very good job.

The positive part of my day yesterday was hearing the sweet and tender voice of one of my soul sisters.  What a blessing it was.  Little 20-30 min. conversation about this/that but enough to know that I'm not alone.

A new day....

And i can only hope and pray it goes by quickly.  Working till mid afternoon. 

Received a few comments with personal info attached re last post.  I will not approve comments that a: name me by name or have your personal email unless u approve beforehand.

Thank you fof your concern.  I am ok.  Some days are a tad overwhelming and yesterday just happened to be the grunt of all evil.

holding on...



If vulgar language is offiensive to you, if you do not like to hear or read vulgar language from a ladies mouth/writing, then I suggest you leave at this very second.  Because this is my blog.  These are my thoughts.  This for me.  Not for you.  And if you don't like it...tough shit...you can leave.  Whew...got that out of the way!

Depression rules a persons thinking.

Anxiety can rule a persons thinking.

Why do I have these fucked up thoughts? 

Why do they have to rule my days? 
Why do they need to take over everything.  They are disgusting.  They are overwhelming.  They are distressing. 

They rule my life or my thought process.

I look at every person at work and think that they must know....they must know of my inner most darkest secrets. 

Customer snaps at another customer. I snap at customer.  We have a bit of a discussion. I may or may not have told her to shut the fuck up or leave.  Needless to say she left. And I am certain I will have a complaint in my box. 
Another co-worker does something really stupid.  I snap.  Calling him a fucking idiot.  Outloud.  For others to hear in plain ear shot.

I come home from work.  Tear soaked cheeks.

The missionaries are standing in my yard. I am pretty sure I throw out the f- bomb a few more times.

I left for work at 4:15am and it is now 6:52 pm.

I'm fucking tired and I don't want company.

My nephew zips around the corner on a scooter.  Fuck shit damn wth is the little snot doing at my house.

I don't give a shit. I'm tired.
I walk in the house.  My dinner is not done. I'm pissed.  Say fuck it I won't eat anything bc reality is I'm in to pissy of a mood.

These thoughts, the intrusive you should just keep on driving off into the sunset or off a mountain - except there are no mountains where I live.....they are constant. 

I know that normal people don't think like this.

I know that normal people, even those who battle with depression, they don't think like this. 

And then I tell myself to fuck off and shut up bc who cares about normal people.  Normal people suck.

This sucks.  Oh my head this fucking sucks. 

I told you if you don't like vulgar language to leave.

I don't want sympathy. I'm not writing this for sympathy.  Hoping that a brain dump will be some sort of help.

These thoughts. They continue to suck the life right out of me.

I,  for whatever reason, was blessed with these unfortunate fucking genes. 

And then add into those wonderful genes is a childhood that I thought for many years, was wonderful.

Except the bio/birth father shit.  Yeah, thats fucked up.  This blows. It really fucking blows.

The intrusive thoughts, they don't help when I have bio family calling me.  Oddly enough, I have put my phone down.  I have told bio gpa to shut it off. i have nothing positive or even nice to say about his son.  He's old. He doesn't get it.  He doesn't get that days like today, it is nothing short of a fucking miracle that I don't drive off a mountain.  Except, there are no mountains. 

I hate this. I hate it with every fiber of my being.  It is all consuming.  And it sucks.  I can't touch it. I can feel it. damn it all to hell and back. 

I can only hold on. Every once in a while stop and regain my composure.  Hold on tighter.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  It isn't even a one day at a time.  It is a second at a time during the current hour.

I cud use..

...a xanax right abt now! 
...just sayin'!

I don't have any or I am sure I would make sure to take one..or two.....or ten!

~There Are No Words~

...to adaquetly describe the thoughts and feelings I have when I look at this picture.

To the general reader....

it is just another picture. 

Edited in a Yesteryear.  Sun shinning brightly and reflecting off the metal structure that it is.

To myself....

...it is something far greater. 
...it is something that reminds me that regardless of how I might think or feel TODAY....

I am NOT Alone.
You are NOT Alone.

Just as the ferris wheel goes up and down...

...so does life. 

Sometimes the ride is bumpy.

Sometimes the ride is smooth.

Sometimes the ride is so bumpy you pray it will end.

Sometimes the ride is so smooth you pray it will never end.

 

I

You Are Enough

It is no secret I struggle on a daily basis with being enough on many different levels of life.

Today happens to be one of those days. Probably, one of the worst I've had in a very long time.
I've been blog surfing for several hours. Laying in bed trying to find something that would speak volumes to the anxiety, tears, thoughts and feelings of failure that have taken me to my knees today.

The last few weeks I've been able shut out the spinning thoughts and craziness making that comes with being at this point by having a massage. Not that the massage itself fixes or takes it all away. Instead, gives me 90 minutes to take away everything else, shut the you are not enough and so much more off. Completely off. It has taken me finding a new massage therapist, who is intimately intune with my anxiety and fears and who follow my bodies and the energy it gives to her.

I have a few different Positive and Uplifting blogs I like to surf.

The above video was found on Owning Pink.

~You Are Enough~

Much easier said....than believing.

Thankfulness Project Monday

Last Monday I wrote about the Thankfulness Project Monday that Musings of a Counselor writes every week.

Here are the things I am THANKFUL for this WEEK:

**I am thankful for EACH of my Soul Sisters!  It is often hard to be thankful for the situation that brought us together. So many of these wonderful mothers I do not know intimately.  Regardless, our hearts hold a dear place with each other.

**I am thankful for the opportunity my family had to spend nearly 2 days in the Windy City.  For beautiful blue skies.  For beautiful frienships made stronger.  For the opportunity to find peace and comfort...among our trials. For the opportunity to just be!!

My list is a lil short tonight.  For many different reasons.  There were several moments this week where I was able to notice and see how incredible blessed I am.  Regardless of the ability to seek these moments out, recognize them, and name them....there is still one thing that remains the same and the struggle to fight that battle every single day....can become tiring.  I needed the break I had this weekend more than I could have ever imagined.  And for that....I am thankful!



No words.....

...to accurately describe.

Nothing profound..

Soul Sisters far deeper than our connection via adoption.
Soul Sisters who truly share a kindred heart and soul.

Two families came together this weekend.  Never having met each other before.

Orchestrated by luck, love, and fate.

There will be more trips to Chi-town in both of our futures I am certain of that.

*picture is a mobile pic from the bottom of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel....Sun shinning brightly and keeping our hearts full!