I wont give up.....Nope!

Watch "Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up - Cover by Tyler Ward - Music Video" on YouTube

Reminder

The photo below is a reminder...that indeed "I..We" are not alone.

As the days have gotten better over the last few weeks..I find myself in place that is not very 'familiar'.  It has been a really long/dark streak.

Today is one of those days.  One that I really could have used a solid therapy appt.  As I type type/reread the last sentence ...I think 'mercy you don't need therapy.   You know the drill."  And yet at the same time ...weeding threw the ick is to much.

This is what I know ...
It has been a while since I have had a massage that had me triggered and unsettled internally when I left.  Several months ago, I am not certain I could have honestly made this connection. 

For the first time in several weeks....I have had a raging headache.   Safe to say borderline migraine. 

And it started towards the end of my.massage yesterday.   I knew the headache was coming on, knew I was getting agitated,  and knew that I was about to crawl out of my skin as she continued.   However, wasn't able to make the connection until later last night.

Fighting like crazy to not cave into the 'usual ' traps. I've failed miserable this evening. 

It is what it is. B

Standing Still..

There are moments in life when standing still is okay.  There is no wrong or right. This is where I find myself right now.

Going through the motions of daily life.  Sleep still haunts me.  I spent more time awake at night than I ever do.  Pain slowly getting better.  Rang of motion not so much.  It is slow and tedious work...this recovery process.

Suicidal thoughts have backed off for the most part.  Depression still seeps into the cracks where it can.

Anxiety is sky high.  Hoping this will even out soon.

I Am..Who ARE you?

**-Please see previous posts on the others who did this challenge.  I'm doing it on my phone.  And copying the links are tough using my phone.

I actually wrote it a few days ago...in the midst of a meltdown from anxiety and PTSD.

The goal here if you would like to follow and do this challenge is....

For FIVE MINUTES type "I Am ___" statements.   Do not edit.  Do not go back and change your post.  Leave it as is. 

Here is what I wrote over the weekend....it has taken me a few days to post it.

~~~~~~~

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.   Who loves me beyond my comprehension.

I am married to my best friend. Who beyond a shadow of a doubt would go to the end of the earth for me.

I am blessed beyond compare to have the group of Trauma Moms in my life that I do.  Because of blogging, our intention on adopting again....this community of mothers came into my life.

I am beyond blessed that with this group of mommas my BFF emerged.  I am thankful I decided to give the 2nd year a try and go back to Orlando.  That GB's Mom made certain I take my experiences.from the 1st year and grow/learn from them.   In doing so it opened up am entire new perspective for me.

I am more than just a mom...I am blessed to have these 2 special spirits know my life.  Who on the dark days give me reason to GET UP AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I am more than what depression tells me I am.
I am more than the lies it speaks to me.
I am going to/am kicking the living shit out of its a$$.

I am worthy of my children and husbands love. 
I am more than what the lies I tell myself.

I AM..

Weekly Wrap Up..

In a nutshell the picture below sums up how the week has went.

Working on it....

In the last 24 hours I've read 3 separate blog posts titled "Who Am I...Who ARE You...I AM...." type of blog posts.

I'm not doing so well with 'following' in these 3 bloggers footsteps. To be honest, when I read the first blog post yesterday...I didn't really read it.  Instead, I glanced over it. And then this afternoon....there it was.  Two more bloggers wrote the same blog post.  And it brought me to my knees. Well, not really because I was sitting in my car...60 minutes early to a therapy appointment with J*.

And so...I sat there.

Alone.  Trying to make sense of what I had read. Trying to open up the space mentally for myself to think about doing this very thing.  And thinking how therapeutic it would be. I sat there and was able to think about all the 'reasons I SHOULD write this blog post'.  

And so...I tried. I turned on 'blogger' on my phone.

Five minutes past.
Nothing. Nodadayum thing. Nothing.

My brain/thought process went into shut down mode.

It stayed there.

It has continued to stay there.

At some point, I might be attempt to do this.  Not now. And probably not tmw.

Until then head on over to these 3 blogs and read their "Who AM I...." posts.  Tell them I sent you.  Or don't tell them at all. I could really care less.  But read their posts.

My Daily Jenn-ism:  Who Are You?
Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here:  I AM______??
The Plucky Procrastinator:  I Am___? Who Are You?

And then...

....when you write "Who YOU Are..." Let me know.

Fear and Anger

Staring at a blank screen.  Whirlwind of thoughts swirl in out of my mind.  I tell myself.."Just go back to sleep.  It is only 1:45am."

Put the phone down and close my eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep.  It doesn't last but a few seconds. Fear and panic have set in.   I tell myself..."-- you are safe. -- is no longer alive.  He can't hurt you."

The whirlwind continues to rage on.  Curled up in fetal position,  clutching the pillow that has been supporting my arm in bed for 8 weeks now.  It now serves as some sort of comfort.  Using every little bit of energy I have fighting off the tears and barrage of negative thoughts. Why can't I just go back to sleep?

In this moment I am that 5 yr old little girl again.  Replaying one of the last memories I have of being with --.  I tell myself "--, you are not 5.  You are thirty something ..." 

Emotions switch from fear and panic to anger. 

The battle rages on within my head.  And everytime I close my eyes...the same scenario is right there.

I hate him. 

I'm angry.

Going Up? Maybe.

I gave up trying to figure out the ups and downs of depression.  As I'm sure many have said before me...depression and mental illness is much like a roller coaster.  When you are up....your are up.  When you are down...you are down.   Everything in between is messy and sometimes more than one can bare.

I've got my butt securely fastened in the seat. I'm not going anywhere.  Hard to remember that it is a temporary ride, when it has hung around so long.  I'm hanging on tight.  As the gradual incline up has started to appear above the horizon.

With having surgery and having been in such a deep slump many things around my house have been let go.  Sure my husband does most of the cleaning and organizing.  However, there are things that have just plain been let go for way to long.

Slowly beginning to think about changing the look in my house.  Money is very tight.  We are unable to purchase anything at this point.  Keeping my thoughts and actions in line with moving up and forward will help me in my physical recovery.  In the end...that will help me getting back to work full-time.  And then it will only be a matter of time before we are able to add the little luxuries such as chalkboard paint to one of our kitchen walls.  And expanding my daughters closet.  Little things.  Moving forward. Moving up.

One thing and one day at a time.  For today I focused on baking and cooking.  Several different Pinterest recipes were made and tried today....some great and some not so great.  For this week I'm focused on making it to work and physical therapy.  Lessening the amount of pain medication each day.  Today, I've had nothing.  No Nsaids. No Tylenol. No narcotics.  None.  Doesn't mean I'm not in a ton of pain.  Just means...I was able to deal with the pain without giving in.  Without the anxiety around...when can I take the next dose.  Regardless of it being narcotics or nsaids.  I will continue to take one of the narcotics at bedtime in hopes that it will give me added help with sleeping.  This is still a huge issue.  And I need my sleep.  We all need our sleep.

Going Up?  Maybe!



I have not always felt like I am broken.  I have felt from time-to-time that I've been broken to the point that I didn't deserve love from anyone, especially from my Father in Heaven.  

Then I heard this song.  Actually, it was introduced to me a long time ago.  The message has changed my mind.  It is my prayer this evening that I"m able to take the message within this song and continue going up.

And as J* would say....find ease with in this battle.

~Stillness~

I've blogged before about the positive effects that massage has had for me over the last few years.  Initially, when I first started seeing someone for massages it was because my anxiety was sky high w/a new job promotion. Over the last 3.5 years, I've seen a handful of different massage therapist.  About a year and half ago, someone suggested I look the possibility of seeing someone different.  And after doing some research I found H*.....and I've not looked back since.

Sometime ago, I believe I blogged about this article "The Healing Effects of 'Massage Mind'".  I did not really think about what I needed or wanted to get out of my appointment today.  I knew my shoulder needed some TLC and so did the rest of my body.  It's been a few weeks since I've seen her.  (*insert ran out of flex spending and so I need to stretch it as much as possible*) 

It didn't take long for my body to sink into the table.  I believe strongly that my body knew what it needed...and finding the stillness that comes along with Massage Mind was exactly what I needed.  For nearly 90 minutes, I was able to turn off the constant tape that was running in my mind.  Okay...ALMOST 90 minutes.  

I continue to struggle. Some days great. Some days horrible. Some days just numb.  Some days I have no clue how I got from point A: to point B: w/o killing someone or myself. 

Being able to turn off the clutter and background noise was healing.  At that moment it was what I needed.  The pain was still there.  Still present.  Yet, with each uncomfortable spot that H* would come across she held that space and did so in a manner that continued the space that I was in.

At one point, she needed to get my attention.  I don't believe that I had fallen asleep.  It was just a matter of being that incredible deep....in silence....stillness....quieting my mind!  It has been a long time since I've been in this spot where I've been able to truly tune out everything/one around me.  As mentioned in this article it states "I don't know where I was at....but I didn't want to come back."  This is exactly where I found myself as H* got my attention.  As I laid there I thought about it over and over...that spot where I was.  Wondering exactly where I had been.  

AND....wanting to go back!

Afterwards, we discussed how it was one of the first massages that I've had in several months where I've not been triggered by trauma, post surgical pain didn't seem to trigger trauma related stuff and in general there was an overall sense of relaxation...quietness...stillness....peacefulness!!

AND......I want it back!!!

~Random Crap~

After several days of taking only tylonel...last night there was no other choice but to take something stronger.  To say I have beat myself up 100x`s over today for caving in... would be an understatement. 

This evening has been no better. I saw my chiropractor today.  Who was rather concerned at the amount of swelling.  It sucks that my chiropractor and surgeon are unable to communicate.   (My work comp companybis notorious for denying claims the moment a chiropractor is brought into the picture.)  He instructed me to contact my surgeon if the swelling in my bicep and shoulder/neck got worse or.didn't go down significantly.

Discouraging and depressing over and over.  I'm sick of feeling like I've not made progress.   Feeling as though I'm failing. 

I came home this afternoon wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out.  Ever.

It has taken every ounce of my ability to not give in. Throw in the towel and say the hell with it.

Not just in the healing from this damn surgery but life in general.   That is where I'm at.  There is no hiding it. 
Harder I try to find some sort of common ground, the further down I go.

Plagued with guilt and much deeper as I listened to my kids each talk to me tonight ....there voices were like the voice on Charlie Brown.  And all I wanted was to hear them...yet I couldn't pull myself together to do so. I'm.sure they see it.  How could they not?

I know this is depression speaking.  I know depression lies.  And tonight it is telling me all sorts of lies.  Ones that I believe.  Things I can't even begin to say or type.  Knowing and believing are so very different from each other. 

I want to sleep.  Maybe it would clear the constant racing thoughts.  Or not. One could hope, right?