Healing through Storytelling

Please check out Wanderlust Writes blog.  Click on THIS link to check out the "Healing through Storytelling" portion of her blog. I got notification today she added my blog to the Mental Health portion of this section.  I know there are several other blogs (and readers) who would be wonderful assets to be added to her blog roll.  Check it out.

~Own It~

Love this article. Please take the time to read it.I had to read it a few times to really get the depth of what she blogs about.  However, this one particular quote really stuck out to me.  If you get nothing out of it...get this:

~KNOW THAT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IN YOUR HANDS, NOT YOUR HEAD!~

Anyone been around this blog long, knows that recently I've had a surgeon tell me that my shoulder pain was  in my head.  And if I didn't have a nurse case manager with me...I would have believed him.  

Own it.  Take responsibility for picking yourself up.  Pick up the phone and make that call. Send an email. Reach out for help.  

No hiding the fact I struggle with suicidal ideation on a daily (sometimes hourly) bases.  Today was no different.  I had a good night sleep.  Best I've had in a few weeks.  I went to the dr this morning and decided not to go back to work. Had lunch with a friend and my husband. We shared some great laughs.  It was a decent morning on all accounts.

I went from feeling pretty dang good to all of a sudden the concrete divider on the highway was appealing.  This is how it works.

No rhyme or reason. Just happens.

These are the moments that scare the living shit out of me.

These are the moments when I wish J*'s phone didn't go to voice mail and I could *reach* her. I left her a message. As I usually do. Not specific. Calling my dh wouldn't help. And for the most part; I worked through this rough patch.

I know this blog isn't always the most 'uplifting'.  It is real. It is raw. It is life. It is the vomit of my thought process (often held back) on a daily basis.

And I will continue to try and own the fact that my mental health is in my hands....not in my head.

~Up to Her Neck in Shite~

Would you go spread some love to Martha Steward Doesn't Live Here? She's up to her neck in shit right now.  Living life with a teen, an ex, twinado toddlers (whom we all know are always full of shit), and a spouse that is deployed overseas at the moments.  Who wouldn't be up to their neck in shit. Hell, I feel that way most days and I don't even have 1/2 the plate that she does.

Check her out on FB, too...you can click right HERE and it will take you to her FB page!!

We all need a pick me up from time to time.  Hell, every damn day I need a pick me up it seems.

~To Do List~

I managed to accomplish everything on my To Do List today.

Did you?

Get Back Up...Damnit.

1:  Learn the warning signs for suicide

2:  Join the Movement

3: Spread the word

4:  Support a Friend

5: Reach Out


So many things race race in and out of my thoughts.  As I sit here trying hard to fall back asleep..I decide to give up and turn on my computer.  Awake again at the wee hours of the night.  As I turn on my computer, log into bookface (f.acebook)..my family on the west coast has several different messages about what this day is and the painful reminders it brings.

I see the link to a news article and read it.  Again.  Proud and heartbroken all at once. As my cousins pick up the pieces on the anniversary of their father taking his life....it is is gentle reminder to me to keep on getting up.  Over and over. As hard as it is. Regardless of the war that rages on in my head.  I have no choice.  But...to continue to Get Back Up every damn day!

I will not leave that legacy for my children.  As hard as it is to fight the battle on some days.  As hard as it is to keep on moving. I will not do it.

And so for today....and tomorrow...and next week....I will get back up every damn day.  Regardless of how hard it might be.  And for the days that I can't get up....accepting that it's okay to stay in bed.

This is not the life that I envisioned living.  I never in a million years would have imagined that this battle would be one that I would continue to fight over and over.

I came home w/new medication samples and a prescription for antidepressant yesterday after a visit w/my pdoc.  She was a  bit different in her approach with me.  As I left and contemplated the things she said it stung.  She wasn't being harsh. Genuine and loving....and adamant that I'm not living my best life.  And that is her ultimate goal.  Yet, she is unsure which direction to go.  So once again, I try a new medication.  Over the last 2 ys antidepressants and I've not been friends and they've increased the S.I a ton.  Leary of giving it a try is an understatement.  I have nothing to loose by trying it. I have everything to loose by not.

Rough Night

No much to say other than the struggle to stay afloat is real.

Stuck I'm whirlwind of pain, trauma, and something else that works hard at bringing me down.

R* died and a ton of shit surfaced.  And 3 weeks later I had surgery. Which put much of tht "stuff" to the wayside.  Now as I taper off meds, pain contiues to be loud and clear...that shit..it all surfaces again. And with it comes other things.  That I am unable to stuff back down.  I eluded to some of it in my last post. 

Can't go there this morning.  I'm already in a hopeless,..you will amount to nothing attitude.   Describing where "this" piece comes from is to much.

Values

I have been thinking about this subject and how it relates to me...how it defines who I am...how it fuels me to keep going.

On Thursday,  J* challenged me to explore this subject on a deeper level.  

Along the way, I have lost the core values of who I am.  What drives me to turn the light on every morning and get out of bed.

Today, I didn't do so well at exploring what drives me.  In fact,  I didn't get out of bed.  Considering my bed is my recliner...you could probably say I got out of bed.  However,  most of my day was spent behind closed doors.  No self care.  No nothing to be honest.

I published previously wrote blog post...tht was.wrote over last few days.  I worked on a job application that took several hours. Attempted to write a resume.   And that was the extent of day.  The tv was on.  However, background noise was the only purpose.  

As I attempted to think about the core values...found deep down in my heart.  There was one thing that came to mind over and over.  Broken and tattered.

Putting any sort of meaning to these values...was even harder.  And depressing. Because each one feels so broken, tattered,  shattered and lost.

My faith and spirituality ....was lost along the way during our disruption.   My husband and children continue on without me.  I want and desire to find that spark again.  Yet the harder I attempt to nurture this piece of me that shattered along the way...Satan continues to fight hard get when I'm down.

My marriage...just like the faith/spirituality piece ...I'm lost in a cycle of not believing I deserve what my husband has to offer.  I love him dearly. And I know he loves me.  Yet, the tattered part of me keeps telling myself otherwise.   We are few months shy of celebrating 19 yrs of marriage.

My Children...without them I would not still be here.  When we disrupted our adoption of C....this piece of me fell apart.  I lost much of what I believed to be true.  A piece of me died at that time.  

I struggle everyday believing that my children deserve a better mother, my husband deserves a better wife.  And without me in the picture he could make that happen.  

My friendships...as.with the above ...this area a bit broken and tattered right now.  For reasons that only a few know...hell just typing this paragraph has me.in tears.  As with any loss...their is a grief process.  And right now I'm.in denial.  I have a handful of.beautiful.and.wonderful friends.   However, none of them live close.  The closest is 6 hrs away.  Locally none of them I'm able call and know they will be at my door in a short time.  I've gradually pulled back from my BFF of the last 18+ yrs.  Tonight, this portion of my values is pretty damn raw.

There are a few other values that are.important to me.  However, I don't care.to go into them right now.

More on this subject later...

PS: sorry for the (.) In my posts.  I'm laying in bed...as I have all day. Blogging from my phone

Liebster Award ~ Spreading the Love

I've been around the blogging world for several years. I've read hundreds of different blogs. I have 2 other blogs that I used to write religiously on over the last several years.  One of them is the journal of our disruption and the aftermath/grief that followed.  When I decided to open this blog I didn't believe I would ever share it with anyone other than my therapist and maybe a few other people.  I never envisioned I would have any readers.  And blog awards...well hells bells they were not even in the realm of my perspective.  I wasn't doing this for other people. I wasn't really doing it for support.  I was doing it for me.  So when The Plucky Procrastinator nominated me for the Liebster Award I was more than shocked.  Thank you darling for your sweet words and nomination.  When I read her blog post on Friday afternoon it didn't hit me that she nominated me until about an hour or so later when I got a message on FB telling me she had nominated me. Of course, I had to re-read her blog post and think to myself "duh...I just read that and didn't catch it."

As with all blog awards there is a song and dance to follow.  So here is my song and dance.  Just so you know...I don't dance very well. I will try to follow perfectly..often though...I fall.  Just so you know.

How the Liebster Blog Award works:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.  
3. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
4. Present the Liebster Blog Award to 5  blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed.
5. Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.
   6. Jump on one foot.
   7. Type a sentence one handed.
   8. Tell the small dog named after a Country Western icon to move because your foot is asleep and you need to jump on it to follow #6.
   9. Go put on deodorant.  Just in case things get steamy.

Never in a million years did I believe or even think that blogging or reading blogs would have brought me the friendship, support, and guidance I've found. I believe many of you who've been around a while and who are 'part' of this same group know about the ETAAM Trauma Mom's.  The Plucky Procrastinator is new to blogging.  I came across her sweet blog about 1-2 posts into her venture.  I love her humor.  She's brutally honest. Been effected by suicide in a different manner than myself.  She's taken her grief, pain, experience, ect ect...and been such a sweet support. I've seen the love and understanding she's poured out to several different bloggers over the last few weeks and what a blessing she has been/is to those around her.  Thank you for nominating me for this award. You have no clue how hard it is for me to turn around and stick with 5...I might break the dance and 'go over that'.  Just sayin'.  Oh' and I almost forgot..she's got a FB page where she shares her wit, humor, love, and all around fun self with the world.  Check out her FB page HERE..and then LIKE it.  And tell her that "I" sent you (don't use my first name please...I do have a rule about using my first name..you all knew that, right?

Okay...on to my nominations.  This is hard for me.  REALLY HARD.  I've tried to decide if I should mix this up between adoption and trauma or depression/trauma.  And I just can't stinking decide.  So here goes it. I'm not good at following rules, remember?

My Group Therapy - a few months ago I came across her FB page and fell in love w/her instantly.  Her blog is a little quieter than some (aka: mine).  However, it is just as good.  I love her ability to stand up to her mom and set the boundaries for her and her family.  As hard as it is....she's doing it little by little. Keep your chin up, girlie!!

Where the Sanity Ends - This gal (I'm assuming it's a she...) is somewhat new to blogging.  She roped me in with one of her first posts and has continued.  Having been hospitalized just a few times...I believe very strongly she needs to keep her humor.  With that humor she will end up being right next to one of her patients.  As she writes in her blog header: "Psychology is much more than a pill and an "easy fix!"  Boy did she hit the nail on the head with that one.  If it was ....well I wouldn't be writing this blog.  Check out her FB page.

Razorblade Brain - hot damn this momma has got it rocking.  She's on the road to healing (or has found her place in healing I should say) and is sharing it with the world.  Raw. Heavy.  Hard to swallow.  She's putting it out there.  A-Z.  I keep wanting to ask her what the hell she is gonna do when she gets to Z.  I will defiantly miss her if she stops at Z!!  Check out her FB page HERE.

Ain't That Sherific - Oh dear Lord this lady started out as just another blog that I followed.  Not religiously.  Not anything other than click here and there.  She has another blog, too.  But it has been quiet.  I think that quiet means good...or maybe not...I hope it wasn't a specific troll.  Regardless, I love her to pieces.  She is no longer just another blog.  She's seen me neked...she's helped me get dressed...she's hugged me when I didn't think I could stand up any longer....she's loved on me when I really didn't deserve to be loved....she's been a true BFF.  It sucks giant donkey balls she has to live so freeking far away.  She doesn't listen very well...just so you know...I've told her MANY a-times she needs to relocate to my home state.  I wish she would listen to me. Life would be so much easier if she would listen.  Well, maybe not easier...but it would just be all around easier to handle some days.  I love me some Sherific Sheri.  (psss....go on over to her blog and tell her she really needs to create a FB page!!  Because I know she has all sorts of awesomeness underneath her sweet smile and awesome laugh!!

Adopting Special Needs: This lady is like a 'long distance' mom.  She really is my "mom" for a few days in March when I join 8 other trauma moms and we rent a villa....she's our mom.  She's parenting a 2nd family via adoption (first was via adoption, too...just older).  Her struggles w/one of her adopted dd's has been quite tough over the last few several months/year.  In fact, so much so that I often worry about her.  Recently she wrote a blog post mentioning hair.  Blog trolls have came out in full force. I've not read the responses. Probably best.  What i know is...when our Foster Daughter came to us a few yrs ago her hair wasn't dealt with at all.  Her adoptive mom didn't have the energy to barely shower herself let alone do her African American dd's hair.  And bc the child raged more than she didn't...it wasn't an option.  I get being on both sides of the coin what that hair issue is all about.  If it means that Hope's hair flings all over than so be it.  If Hope can let her mom love on her by doing her hair than awesome.  But right now getting to the end of the day is more important.  I wish it was march....then I could see her again.


Again, I want to thank The Plucky Procrastinator for nominating me.  There are many other blogs I would love to list here.  Some of them are on my side bar --- go check them out.

As for the typing one handed...well most of the last 7 weeks after my shoulder surgery..that is what I've been doing.

As for hopping on one foot...ah' no. I need my feet. I can't afford to fall over and hurt my good shoulder. Good try.

As for being all stinky and needing deodorant....yep I've not showered or gotten dressed today and it is 5pm. I am headed to the shower when I'm done with this post.

Have a great evening!

Go Big or Go Home

I had planned on doing the THURSDAY portion of the Prevention Week activities found on this website.

Make a “Reasons to Call” Sign
There are a million reasons to call the Lifeline. We asked people to make a sign telling others why they should call 1-800-273-TALK or why they have called themselves. Get inspired by viewing the 200 signs on the Lifeline’s Facebook page—and please make and upload your own.

I hadn't came up with a "picture" idea that I would feel comfortable sharing here.  Since I blog anonymously, I am adamant about not posting pictures of myself or family. I've thought about different creative ways.  I decided to post a picture w/a sign.

However, I'm sick.  And I'm sicker than I thought I was.  In March, I went to the doctor and ended up getting 2 scripts for an ear infection.  I was told not to fill one of them.  And I did....just because.  This morning I decided to start one of the antibiotics because I knew I had a sinus infection and this is what I've been prescribed 9 times out of 10.

Tonight, my shoulder kicks up.  I head into a hot shower.  The steam from the shower kicked in and I started coughing and didn't stop.  Nothing could stop it. No medication. No nothing. I drove myself to the Urgent Care.  It closed at 8pm. I arrived at 7:50.  And I left at 9:30pm.  After chest xrays, breathing treatments, more chest xrays, the verdict is....

Go Big or Go Home....

Sinus infection.  Ear infection. Bronchitis.  And if in 24 hrs I'm not signficantly better....return to ER because it is possible that I may have developed pneumonia.

No making a "Reasons to Call" sign.

Instead, I'm hoping for some major relief of feeling absolutely horrific.

Permanent Solution....

Add caption

...to a temporary problem.

Every 15 minutes someone in the US takes their own life.  OUCH. That is a pretty stark statistic.  One that makes me cringe.  

Spend 1 minute learning the warning signs.  I posted a link yesterday to warning signs.  Here it is again:  HELP A LOVED ONE or FRIEND.

I personally don't keep a crisis number handy.  Nor do I keep any sort of crisis phone number handy.  I'm not saying that is the way to go.  I'm saying for ME..it wouldn't help.  And if at anytime I thought it would help...I could get the number immediately.  My therapists office is on my speed dial.  I've been a patient long enough at her clinic that I know their phone number.  I've used their after hours (not in several years) and am aware of how their process works.  For me this works.  I often will call my therapist, even if it is after hours or when she is not working, and leave her a message.  Sometimes, that is all it takes.  Something...as little/minor as a 'message check-in' that says "I'm struggling. Things suck. I'm not doing well..." or whatever it might be....that has helped.  It leaves me accountable on some levels.

If you or a loved one is struggling having the following information saved in your phone may prove to be helpful.  My husband is very aware of how to reach the clinic that we go to.  And how to reach my therapist should the need arise.

Save the LIFELINE number, 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in your phone and encourage your friends and family to do the same.  You never know when someone you love may need the number.