Today is the start of a new week. 
With the start of a new week brings the hope of brighter days.
That is all one can ask for. 
And it is what I'm asking for on this Sunday evening. 

Second Opinion

I saw a new surgery yesterday.
I'm hurting today.  More than I ever have.  And that is saying a ton.

And it's beginning to wear me down.  I didn't really think it had until J* mentioned a few things today.

Mother's Day

For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted in life was to be a Mother.

Then 18+ yrs ago as a young, naive bride, I thought it would be indefinate that Motherhood would be around the corner.

And it wasn't.

And with each passing year it became harder and harder.

It is with great pain that Mother's Day became a day that I had no hopes or expectations.

Adopting a child who had been traumatized was the first of many years of heartache.  He mourned his bio Mother and Grandmother.  My dh was his first daddy and so Fathers Day was never an issue.

During the last 13 years of being a Mother there have been very few to celebrate.

The last time I had a visit with our adopted son was Mother's Day.  It became a trauma-versy for me.   Then the next 2 yrs were met with huge grief.  One of those years I had a lump in my breast found and removed.  Waiting for pathological testing was horrible.  Mixed with the impending death of my beloved Grandmother.  She stuck that Mothers Day out.  Against all odds. 

The last few years I havd tried hard to soak in my 2 children for all they are all the time.  But specially on Mother's Day.

Today....

Has been no different.

They are the reason I get up every day!
They are the wind behind my sail!

I'm blessed to he their Mother!!

Answer to Questions from Comment

I can't email you back bc I don't have your email.  Please feel free to leave a comment w/your name-email and I will email you back.  I will NOT post the comment.  All comments are moderated bc of personal information. 

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I've looked into hands on healers.  My insurance and wc insurer will not pay for it.  As long as I'm not getting paid my full wage, I'm unable to afford to move fwd with that.

I currently see a massage therapist that works from an energy/natural aspect.  I would have gotten a doctors order for more visits to be covered from her or someone else, but the dr proved to be a true asshat and so I asked him nothing bc I just needed to get out of there. 

I DO HAVE A 2nd OPINION next Monday.  I will be seeing an independent surgeon at a private clinic.  The surgeon that I was orgininally calling to see couldn't see me for a month.  His collegue and best friend could see me asap.  he comes highly reccomended from all areas that I can tell.  I spoke to his nurse/receptionist again today who made me feel like I was truly a patient and NOT a number.  That my needs were important."  I asked if I should drop off the 2 MRI reports and dvd/disk prior to my appt next week bc I had them in my hand.  She said "WOW...already." I replied "Sweetheart, I had them in my hand w/in 2 hrs of leaving the surgeon I saw yesterday."  She replied:  "Bringing them in early will not be beneficial. He will not look at them before your appt.  He will look at them WITH YOU.  He will treat you AS HIS patient and will explain everything to you....you have nothing to worry about.  He will take a great deal of time w/you and answer any questions you have."  I hung up and cried.  His nurse/receptionist...she cared.  I'm not a number..I'm a patient whom he will treat me as just that...his patient.

Rug Pulled Out from Under Me

At a loss to what to write.

I'm angry.
I'm very angry.
I'm depressed.
I'm very depressed.
I'm flabbergasted.
I'm very flabbergasted.

Once again the medical profession has proven that mental illness is a taboo subject.  And based on my mental health dx I am not a surgical candidate.   If...IF...this fucktard had left that piece out....it would have been a totally different outcome.  And I would not have a swollen face from crying non stop all day.

Its not a matter of "can't" continue on fighting these fucktard morons.  It is matter of.....I don't want to and I have no mother fucking fight left.  And so be it..let them win.

Finding Joy

~~~in the little things.

Such as this picture that I took yesterday at a birthday party for my cousins who turned 2 and 4 yrs old. 

State Fair Award Winning Rose Bush

My Aunt and her darling family (4 children ages: 2, 4, 7, & 7) recently bought a new home.  It was very hard for her to leave her last house.  There are many things coming to bloom in her home and she is loving every ounce of it. 

Finding joy in the little things.  The beauty that our beautiful earth provides.  Spending time w/my Aunt and her children. Old fashion water spickets such as this one.  Found in the entry to my Aunt's home.

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All in all I was able to find some sort of peace and comfort in my day yesterday.  I tried like hell to make it be a good day.  And when I came home and lost my sh*t for personal reasons w/my daughter.  I managed to find some peace and comfort. 

Today has been about the same day.  I had a rather interesting private conversation with my Bishop at church.  As we discussed some issues w/our adopted sons bio family that is currently somewhat of an issue and causing some grumbling between them, their ward members and their bishop of the ward they moved from....I was able without being emotional and getting upset tell my Bishop our "story" in short form.  What he needed to hear.  I was also able to matter of fact w/o using judgement on myself or birthfather mention to him how deep my issue w/church leaders, priesthood holders, and bishopric members goes.  I don't know who was more shocked...Bishop G or myself. 

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I have a barage of appts this week.  Well, not any different than any other week.  I see the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday, again.  Hoping that he will be able to provide some answers.  I know the results of my MRI.  I know that surgery isn't always suggested.  And yet, I also know something NEEDS to be done and I can't keep living w/pain.  Yesterday pain was bad.  Really, really bad....and I was near tears when I made it home last night.  I took portraits of my Aunts kids during the bd party.  I was in a great deal of pain when I came home last night.  And frustrated because of it!!!  Today hasn't been that much better in that department.  I need some relief.  it's making me crabby....crabby...crabby!!

TODAY

Its 8am.
I'm laying in bed listening to 3 of the 4 children in my home make tons of noise.  Two of them will be leaving about 9 am.

I'm determined to make today be one heck of a GOOD day.  Nearly every night this week I came home and retreated to my room.

I will do my best to not retreat to my room.

Report coming later.

The most difficult thing in life...
Is to know yourself.
Thales

Tapping with Brad Yates

Not much I can really say about this right now.
Overwhelmed is an understatement.
This week has been tough...hell when is it not tough.

Traditional medicine isn't helping.
Medication isn't helping.

As a friend mentioned in a private FB group she was rebelling the concept of tapping.  I've continued to rebel.

I know why I've rebelled and I really dont' care to say why.  I guess its a bit personal.

I did take this from the conference call tonight.  It isn't easy to hear.  It is harder to repeat to myself.

Even though I feel this despair, I choose to deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself ... and my kids ... and anyone else who might be involved in this." - tapping session with Brad Yates

Sinking. Endocrinology. MRI. Kisses. Barbies.

I'm sinking.  At a steady rate downward. Since I try to be honest and forthcoming....suicidal ideation has been strong.   And the energy it takes to ward these thoughts off is draining.  Work has helped some with keeping me preoccupied.   I'm not sleeping.   Herein lies the problem.

Endocrinology evaluation today went okay.  Reluctant to have hope finding answers.

I picked up MRI report and CD.  Googled dx.  Surgery is not the suggested course of treatment.  Rarely ever.  Unless all avenues have been attempted.  They have been attempted.  I've developed post cortisone issues.  Which tells me no more injections and they will no longer help.  Crap.

When I was 12 ...I was still playing with my barbies and cabbage patch doll.

My 12 yr old...well she's kissed her bf.  Who happens to be the first councilor in our wards 12 yr old.  I think duct tape is on the shopping list.