RAW, LIES, UGLY....all 3 the same.

Sometimes getting to the raw truth underneath the thick exterior can be somewhat ugly. 
Being able to see past the lies that depression fills your mind, body and spirit with....can be ugly.
Today...that is right where I'm at.  In the ugliest of ugly.

Crazy

My heart is heavy (heavier) this evening as my dd questioned me about an upcoming therapy appt.  My dh and I had discussed that we would very cautiously approach this subject with her.  Not give her 'much time' to worry and fret over it before her actual appt.  He let it slip on Saturday and wasn't very good about giving her a 'soft and cautious' approach about why we have felt the need to make her an appt.

This afternoon my husband was gone w/my youngest to a chiropractor appt.  I came home from lunch w/my mom. I had a chiro appt early this morning followed by a massage.  Instead of working on my back and shoulder, H* felt the need to do energy work. I did not really clue her in as to how my weekened went but just said I have had a tough few days.  I left that appt w/her telling me to take plenty of time intergrating back into myself and not to drive until I was ready.  It was draining on all levels.  Driving nearly 3 hours round trip for a 1 hour lunch w/my mom was nice...but even more draining.

The moment I walked in the door my dd asks me about this appt.  I had no clue she knew.  I also had no clue that my husband let the shoe drop and didn't talk to her about it.  He told her it was because of something totally unrelated as to why.  Not knowing why and feeling completely terrified she went to the neighbor girl whom she is very good friends with and asked her "Why do you think my parents would want me to see a therapist". 

Long story short...only crazy people see therapist. She sees me as being crazy and depressed.  It didn't come out in that manner.  It came out in a 12.5 yr olds thinking. It hurts deep.  It was the things that came out...that fuel the "my kids deserve better" montra.  The montra that plays very loud more often than not.  Ultimately...my biggest fears...came out of my daughters mouth this evening. 

I tried to keep myself composed and in a "concerned mom mode".  I explained to her as gentle and loving as I could why her dad and I feel it would be best for her to see someone.  I hope and pray that she was able to know that I am coming from a place of love.  I pray she was not able to see the deep shame, pain and frustration...I tried so hard to keep from her.  She went on her way. I spent 45 minutes sobbing in a hot shower, trying to compose myself....I've not done so well.

I return to work in a few short hours.  My heart hurting more than it has in a very long time.  I have absolutely no clue who I will manage to get to the end of each day.....and the only thing that I can say right now or think is...fuckity fuck fuck.

Sleep or lack thereoff....

I'm certain the many hours of medication induced sleep Saturday into Sunday is now responsible for me laying wide awake at 2:15 am.  Great big suck.  I'm tired and as I lay in bed composing this my eyes amd body are heavy.  Sleep just isn't my friend right now.

Wish I could say I was feeling better.  I'm not.  My house was invaded by company. I made dinner and tried to be upbeat and positive a majority of the time.  Once again, covering( hiding) how I was truly doing. 
Locking myself in my bathroom/room helps escape the crazies that often transpire.

Tonight/Today

No hiding the fact the last several months have been a struggle to keep swimming,  to keep my head above water and not give in.  There have been days where how I managed to get to the next is beyond me.  Tonight was one of those days.

A somewhat small disagreement added to already vulnerable space I was in.  Which spiraled quickly from there.   It isn't pretty.   I'm done.   Obviously,  my kids and husband seem to function and want to do things with out me.  Why keep trying?  What is the damn point?  Clearly, all I'm good for bringing home a paycheck.  And I'm tired of it.  Fucking tired.   It is 5pm and I'm going to bed.  Regardless if I'm starving and my head hurts...  I will find something, anything and sleep.. I'm done!!

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The above was wrote last night while I laid in bed.  I pushed publish but did not see it worked. 

I'm still in bed.  I have no plans on getting up anytime soon.

Just as I posted earlier my husband believes or thinks I don't want to do anything with them.  Therefore,  he didn't wake me up for church.  Regardless of how much going with them triggers me....I still Go for my kids sake. 

My body is reeling from the effects of taking meds that left me sound asleep for nearly 15 hrs.  Only waking once to use br, respond to 3 private messages on Facebook, get a drink and back to bed. 

Never had a drink in my life.... but I'm gathering how I'm feeling at this moment physically equals what a hangover would be like.  It is all I can do not to check out the next 15hrs again!  I've been down and out...this is probably the lowest I've been...getting up isn't something I'm able to see as a positive.  Obviously my family continues on without me so why bother.

Low of Lows for B12

Don't believe my B12 has ever reached the low that I'm at right now.  With it brings frustration, anger, and so many range of emotions.
Weekly injections seems to be the correct answer.  However, my insurance company believes that is not the answer.  I was able to double up but that can only happen every so many weeks.
Another side of gastric bypass that is not 'talked about in depth prior to surgery.  Today is my Friday.  Thank heaven!!

Tired

Since returning home on Monday, I have been incredible tired.  Regardless of what time I head to bed at night( early for me)...I can't seem to shake this extreme fatigue.

If I had to pinpoint what it could be I would say my iron levels have dropped again.  I'm current on B12.   However,  tht doesn't always mean anything.

Each morning I believe will be better.  Not so much today.

Fatigue and depression fuel each other for me.  Amd I'm noticing it's effects.

Courage to Heal

I was encouraged to look into the book "Courage to Heal".  After leaving an appt with my J* , I had every intentions on looking it up at the local library.

When I left lunch with my dh I couldnt think abt anything but coming home.  Which I did.

Courage isn't something I'm digging right now...it is overwhelming and suffocating all in one.

Medication 101

It isn't for everyone.

It is something I need.  Contrary to what I want to believe.... I need it.  

This weekend amid the chaos of traveling I misplaced my medication.  Thinking I would certainly find it sooner than later.  I found it...late as in VERY VERY late Sunday night while packing to come home.  In my tablet carry case.  I not once opened or used my tablet so it didn't occur that I should look there.

By Sunday...day 3 w/o... I was feeling like I definitely needed them.  Put them in my bathroom bag which I planned on bringing with me home.  Instead put them in the stuff my friend was bringing home for me.

Four days sans medication....I know they are needed!!

Confirmation in a small way that they are helping in a small manner.  Even at a small dose.

Love and Friendship

The last 4 days has been a life changing experience for me.  Meeting new friends and renewing friendships that developed at last years ETAAM Orlando Retreat.

Very little tears were shed until I stepped on the otherside of security.  Now, I can't stop them.

Being among other beautiful souls who get me, my struggles, my struggles with our son/disruption was incredible healing. 

The experience this year was so incredibly different then last year.  Thankful for The love and friendship that was shared in our Villa. 

I'm not ready to re-enter.  Just not ready....one bit. 

Day One...Long Day of travel.

Yesterday was a very long day. 

So worth it.  There is no better therapy than being with other people...momma...who get you, your struggle, your life!  Not just the attachment and trauma aspect but every aspect.

By the time m head hit the pillow at 1:25am...approximately 10-12 trauma mommas had spent several hours together.  It was great having s smaller group of mom's.  The intimacy of the smaller group, having each of mostly in different villas, and getting to know each other was awesome.

This morning the 3 amigos headed off to Ron Jon's Surf Shop and lunch.   Lunch was awesome...until I realized I was given regular soda and not diet. 

Now off to meet and great and hug and kiss some more mommas!!