Tired

This is a pity post.

Short and sweet.

I want to bang my head against the wall.
I'm tired of being sick.
I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired....of every effing thing you can imagine.

Makes me want to bang my head on the wall over and over!!

Change

It is not something that comes easily. 
For me.
For many people.

However, it is often needed.

I have blogged before here and on my other blog about my experience/relationship with massage and my current massage therapist.

This morning she focussed on something I said in our 'check in'. 
I will be attempting to blog on the homework assignment she gave me for the next 2 weeks.

Sounds simple.

It isn't.  I left her home 2.5 hrs ago and finding it isn't 'so' easy!

More to come...

Little Moments

Sometimes all it takes to cheer my heart up is to hear my son in the back seat singing along with Adele..word for word.  Missing not a beat.  Every ooohhh and ahhhh right along with her.  Then he says.....I will be sure that every woman in my life knows I care deeply about them.  I will not hurt them.  Atleast not pm purpose! 

Bawawaaaaa. I LOVE HIM!!

A bit lighter

I'm still relatively sick.  Woke up with a bit of a fever this morning and new 'sypmtoms' that will most likely have me back in the urgent care. I'm trying very hard not to get depressed and worry about the financial aspect of me being off work for 4 days.  Three of the four days will be unpaid.  We were planning a few different little get aways over the next several months and I'm pretty sure that they are out of the question completely.  Right now I can't even go there or think about it bc it will just make me upset.

I woke up about 5am this morning and attempted to get ready for work.  It wasn't happening.  So I turned on my computer and decided to spend some time on pinterest.  Oh' dear do I love that place. 

And this was the little reminder that I needed for today:

TMI Warning....

You have been forwarned...this is a shitty post.

I'm sick.
Very sick.
Not mentally....physically.
I was seen in my PCPs office and received one bag of fluid.  My IV died and they sent me to the ER.
Three or so bags of saline, millions of viles of blood and a CT scan, I was sent home.

I have a virus.

The kind that makes you shit every 10-30 minutes for hours on end.

The kind that makes you shit undigested toast 10 minutes after you eat it.

The kind that makes your entire house smell like shit...your hair, your breathe, your sweat ...

The kind that requires you to stop running to the bathroom while you are in the ER until 10 minutes AFTER your IV s removed.

At this very moment...6:00pm on Friday night I am not dehydrated yet.  It is a matter of time.  Maybe I'm finally turnings the corner.  Maybe not.

I'm weak.  I have not worked in 3 days.  I'm scheduled to work tomorrow. And then have the next 2 days off.  Idk how I'm going to be able to work.  Last week I slept every moment I was not working.  I can't help but think it was my body fighting off something.  Or do I have something else? 

Whatever it is....it needs to fucking leave my body and house!

Pain

I'm a wimp when it comes to pain.  So I think anyway.  Because of my WLS my options are VERY VERY limited.  Earlier in the week when I started having spasms in my hip/pelvis and  low back I started taking tylonal.  Very limited - since that is basically the only thing I can take for pain.

I knew yesterday I was headed in a downward spiral.  I was unable to stay on top of the pain by last night.  Pain = lack of sleep.  Pain and lack of sleep = increase depression and anxiety.  Pain, lack of sleep, increased depression/anxiety = recipe for potential disaster.

This morning I worked very hard to stay present.  Something I've been struggling  agreat deal with.  My chiro was out sick and unable to see me.  Turns out his kid was sick and he came in this afternoon for emergency patients only.

I saw H for a massage mid morning.  It was by far one of the most uncomfortable and painful massages I've ever had.  And I've had some doozy's.  My job and muscle issues tend to give me issues.  This was different.  Very different and I couldn't put words to it.  By the time I made it to Hy-Vee to meet my husband and a friend for lunch I was in tears...again.  Unable to eat my dh said "Call Dr._ and make an appt for tmw morning since he was gone today."  So I called.  His receptionist was able to hear in my voice that I wasn't doing well.  I asked for any appt tmw regardless of work schedule I would take whatever he had.  She said "do you need to be seen today? I can tell you are in a great deal of pain." I hung up the phone and made my way back to the other side of town (where I had just came from my massage appt) to see my chiro.  Bless his good-looking sweet self.  I love that man. Oh' do I ever.  By far, it was one of the most painful adjustments I've had.  He spent a great deal of time with me knowing that the pain level was high.  He told me he didn't want me working tmw but knew that I am in a tough spot financially and w/it being unpaid.  He discussed w/me his concerns and what he knows about me....that the more pain I'm in...the more depressed I become...and the equals a recipe for disaster.  He questioned the fact that I'm no longer on any type of mood stabalizer or AD and with this flare up he worries about how I will hold up.  (I'm telling you the man is a gem)

He was more than a chiropractor this afternoon and I appreciate it. He suggested I contact my therapist or psychiatrist and touch base w/them. (Which will be a waste of time since my Pdoc believes there is nothing more she can do...her words not mine.) I agreed to call in sick tmw since he was adament that I not work. And left a message at his suggestion for my therapist.  Which was counter productive bc I was in a freeking bad space, there were voicemail issues or I wasn't doing something right. I dont' really care right now.   Even though I wasn't really interested in talking to him more in depth about how I am doing...we both know that I knew he was catching on real fast.

I'm in for a very long night.  The pain I'm in right now on a scale of 1-10 would be 12+.  I can't get comfortable.  My husband gets pissy bc I have my computer in bed and "you don't look comfortable".  Well, WTH am I supposed to do?  Lay here and let my brain spin and make things worse and be bored and STILL hurt?  Or I can chat, play games on FB and do other odds and ends.  I need to do some senior pic re-edits for a family member. I've not touched them because the reality is....I am not really thinking all to clearly and want to make sure I do my best on them.  There are 'specific things' I need to do and concentrate on.

And reality is.....I want to bash my head into the wall over and over and over.  With the hope that maybe...just maybe it would hurt and take my mind of the pain in my low back and rest of my body.  That is the issue...it isn't just my back, hip, and pelivs.  It is my entire freeking body. My ENTIRE body hurts. I've started having the contraction-like pains in my right side again.  And taking tylonal is about as worthless as a crack addict sniffing candy.  I asked my husband what he had for muscle relaxers since he has chronic/severe back issues.  Of course the one medication he has is the one that I really can not be taking...ever!!!  I'm already depressed and in a hopeless downward swing where I could just drive my car right off the road...and I know from experience that taking that medication would only increase that spiral.  And having it actually help with the pain would be unlikely.

I've rambled on enough and will end.  I praying for some sort of relief.  Anything at this point.  I am not in a spot where I can afford to head back on a downward spiral to the extent that I've recently been at. Sure there are bad, pissy, all around hopeless days.  I can't go there again...and I fear that is right where I'm headed.

On Letting Go...

I don't read this blog very often.  Usually, only when someone links to it or personally sends me to it.  I've tried to limit my blog reading and specifically limit to blogs that have a tendancy to trigger my issues. However, sometimes you just need to read certain things.  Things that are simply very powerful.



This post titled "What Does 'Letting Go" Mean" is a must read for anyone who has suffered any type of trauma, abuse, and neglect.

It brought me to my knees this morning in a way that I was not prepared.  Reality is, letting go is so much more than "letting go".

The comment she quotes stating  “I’d love to let it go if it would only let go of me.”  Hits home in a way that I can't even begin to explain.

Still Missing

UPDATE : Alex will he with his dad by tmw.  He is flying to the town he is currently in.  Jaycee is with her brother.

My 16 yr old cousin, mentioned in yesterdays post, is still missing, along with her 17 year old boyfriend.

My heart aches on a way that I can not describe.   I can not even begin to imagine the pain my Aunt D is enduring.

It angers me.  That J is missing.  That her father committed suicide.  That she was in so much pain that she could not ask for help.  That her only answer was to runaway. 

This is an otherwise, happy..healthy..well rounded young lady.  Wth so much going for her.

The effects of suicide are devastating.

Please remind me....in my next downward spiral...why I GET UP...AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!

Connection

There has not been much talking in the last 24 hours. 
Just time spent together.
With no children.
With no demands.
Laying side by side watching reruns of Law and Order in a fancy hotel room.
No phone calls from baby-sitters or children.
No demands.
No hopeless thinking.
Wonders of how to keep the 'light hearted thinking to stick around'.
Grieving the loss of one child, yet hope of the future for our 2 children at home.
Just my husband and I connecting on a much different level than we have in many months...possible couple years!

~~~~~~

My heart is still heavy.  It has taken s great deal of energy to stay present.  To not stray.  I really need a break.  Praying for lighter days...and thinking/thoughts!

HEAVY

My heart is heavy today.
With joy and sadness all in one.

It is my 18th anniversary.
I might be one second away from stuffing my dh in the toilet half the time.  But...I love him fiercely!   And can not imagine life with out him. 

My happiness on this aspect.  We are doing something we never do.  EVER.  I tear up just thinking about it.  We are going to The Windy City to see Blue Man Group.  Staying in a 4 star hotel.  Just us!!

The sadness:  my uncle who committed suicide a few months ago...his family is enduring more pain.  One that has had me in tears all morning.  My 16 yr old cousin disappeared 2 days ago. No trace of her anywhere!  No signs.  Nothing.

Over lunch I told my kids:  there is nothing you can ever do that is so horrible you can't come talk go us.  Nothing so bad you need to run away.  My 12 yr old said " but what if she was hurt or kidnapped?"  And her innocent heart reminded me indeed....that could be the worst case scenario.

Keep them n your prayers.