~Swirling~

I had/have a blog post swirling about this very quote.  I had started the post yesterday morning while I was sitting at work on-call.  When I found out about my Uncle Dan, I was unable to compose it.  I sat down this morning in hopes that I could finish it.  Instead, I deleted the post. 

Our childhood can kill the dreams we often have.  I know there are a few different things that happened my senior year of high school that significantly killed the dream that I ever had of "going to college and getting a college degree."  This particular tape is one that has (and still does) play rather loud and often gets stuck on repeat.

I'm not going to be composing that post. It was deleted this morning.  I am still trying to process my Uncle D's death and the impact that it will forever hold on his beautiful family.  His children, who are my age.  Whom, when we were younger we were very very close!!  Trying to process the fact that I live half a nation away and feel even further away.  There is nothing more than I would love to do right now than to board a plane and fly 1/2 way across the US...just so I could sit in the presense of my beautiful Aunt and her children.  To hug them, cry with them, just to bask in their sweet spirits. 

I'm sure my Uncle D had many different things that killed his dreams.  His life was successful.  Very.  Until an accident that took away his ability to work in his business.

I will forever remember his infectious smile, his calm personality, his pure hatred for my birth father that was SOOOO validiating to me (i hate him, too), his love for his Father in Heaven and even more...his love for his wife and children.

No words

I really don't get it!

And yet, I DO get it!

This morning I managed to pull myself together and go to work.  I sat oncall for 3 hours.  Barely keeping myself together.  When I read a FB status from my cousin that read "I never imagined loosing my daddy would be so hard....I love you..your - -."

My heart sank as I realized my uncle Dan passed away last night.  On his dd's 16th birthday.

I was in T.arget 2 hours later when I was called and told that my Uncle Dan committed suicide last night.

I am devastated. I GET IT.  Yet, I don't!

Pissed.
Hurt.
Sad.
Shocked.

Dear Lord...why?  It has been the only thing I can muster up the strength to really think/say!!

just a thought

and I'm all out!!
and I'm pretty pissy about it!!

So if you are in the area...please bring me some chocolate and a VERY cold DIET soda.  IDC what kind of diet...just diet!!

There is.....

......Sunshine in my soul today.  So glorious and.......

*not really but I can pretend*

While trying very hard not to burst into tears bc some jackhole passenger decided to spew sh@t my direction today....i burst out singing in my horrible singing tine of voice....

THERE IS SUNSHINE IN MY SOUL TODAY.  He shut up and said I was a crazy bitch.  I agreed with him that I am crazy.

Medication, Work and Sleep...

I love this song by Laura Story.

I've posted this link here before.  Today, yesterday, this last week....I've often thought about the lyrics to this song.  As the tears have flowed freely for so many different reasons.

I'm certain that one of the reasons I've struggled lately is the sleepless nights have taken their toll.  And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that lack of sleep = lack of coping = lack of coping = struggles.

It is a very fine line I walk when it comes to medication.  I have an appt with my shrink this week.  I have a rather love hate relationship w/her.  She's awesome. She really is. She knows me and that is soooo dang important.  However, sometimes that works against me.  She knows the struggles I have with medication.  I also have issues with what type of medications can I use that will not cause negative effects and interfer with my job.  That is a big issues.  Often medication that will help you sleep needs to be taken shortly before you go to bed.  When a person gets up early to go to work such as I do 4 out of 5 days per work week (my alarm is set for 4am or earlier every day....and I dno't wear make up, curl my hair or do anything but take a wake-up shower) it is suggested that the medication be taken earlier in the evening.  IE: with your dinner or around 5-6pm.  That again, becomes an issue.  Rarely ever am I A: home or B: off work by that time.  Which means I can not take a sleeping agent.  Often I get off work and have less than 12 hours before I have to return to work.  I often do not find out what I have to work the following day until 4-5pm the day before.  Because I work on-call my schedule is rarely ever the same.  Prime example of not knowing 'what/when' I work.  I know that I have to work from 6:20a-10am in the morning.  I will not find out until 8:30am what I have to work for the remainder of tmw.  I have an idea.  But I don't know for sure.  It is likely I will have to return around 1-3pm and will have to work until no later than 8pm tmw.  I have requested off from 4:30pm to EOS (end of service) tmw bc I have the d.bt group that I'm attending. 

Taking medication to sleep is virtually impossible with my job.

I need to take something to help me sleep tonight.  I've slept very little the last 10 days.  Seriously, less than 3 hours at any given time.  I did take something last night.  However, I've had this horrendous headache AND lack of sleep is just one of many reasons why I have this headache...yet it prevents me from getting good sleep. 

Praying that I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep - sound sleep!  No waking up. 

I like this picture.
Most likely it will be posted here again.

Day 3...

Of having a horrendous headache/migraine.   Started with neck and shoulder pain on Thursday.  Turned headache.

Friday night I slept horrible.  Nightmare city.  Panic city.  Woke up with a killer headache. 

Chiropractor appt helped.  Then it started back in yesterday afternoon.  And all night.  Stressed and feeling like a complete failure for having to call in sick again for the 2nd day in a row if this didn't go away by morning I went to bed in tears.  Fighting the downward spiral that would make this headache worse.

I cancelled a photoshoot for today before going to bed.   Took more tylonal than my body should have had and off to sleep.  And i slept!!  Big deep sleep. 

When my alarm went off at 5am for work i swear it was as if it jumped on my face it hurt so much.

Showered and then crawled back in bed after realizing there was no dang way I could work with this horrendous migraine.

Called chiropractor and he said come back.  So i just did.  He said my neck and shoulders was way worse than yesterday.  He gave me a work note and encouraged me to get a massage.  Which air am.  AGAIN...but not with Heather.  I should have called her.  I feel guilty bc its the weekend.  So I called Massage E.nvy.  oi!  Praying for some relief.  My chiropractor ...hes a gem.  He knows me and knows me well.   He mentioned that he is certain the 'muscle tightness is in relation to my emotional state of mind.  I said to him ive not said anything to you and haven't seen you in 2 weekend. He said he knows me and knows me well.   I laughed. 

This has been a long spurt.  I'm ready for a break.  Even fof a few days.  I will take anything.  I got a lil chuckle when another friend told me she found some article of clothing in her attic that reminded her of me and she cried because she missed me.  Why did I chuckle....bc yesterday while I was in bed my son slammed a door in the house.  When I saw her a few weeks ago she gave me a picture frame with a lil blurp from my favorite song...F@caking Perfect by Pink.  When the door slammed it fell off my headboard and on my face.  Remember my head hurts....but at that moment I missed her. And the tears flowed.  It was my Father in Heavens way of reminding me...I'm not alone. 

Some Days.....

All you can really do is...

And for today...this is what I'm doing.  One breath at a time.  One step at a time.  The TV was not turned on until my son came home from school.  There was no radio.  There was very little sensory input into my brain.

I woke up in the wee hours of the night after having a rather disturbing nightmare.  One that often creeps its way into life and distrubs my sleep.  Last night was not such a good night for such thing to happen.  I woke up with a headache to go along with the panic that seemed to over-ride a good nights sleep.

My alarm was set for 4:10am.  My 2nd alarm was set for 4:15am.  Snooze was hit for both alarms.  I had fallen backk to sleep less than an hour prior.  It was do freeking early.  My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulders hurt. My face was on fire.  There was no way I could safely do my job today.  I fought the fight.  Fought the fact that I really can't be calling sick.  I fought w/my own thoughts and negative self talk as I laid in bed staring at the clock.  I've been rather proud of myself....it has been almost 2 full weeks and I've used no FMLA and not called in sick once.  Whoa...come Sunday morning I would have made had 8 full hours of sick time as the new pay period started.  This has not happened since the beginning of summer.  I fought that battle thinking I could just go in for my first part of my shift.  Then I sat up, still fighting the negative thoughts that I should stay home/should go to work.  Walked into the bathroom (which is 20 feet from my bed thankfully) and puked my guts out.  I sat on the bathroom floor puking, sobbing, mad at myself, mad at the world, cursing at everything and everyone.....and holding my head bc it hurt so damn much.  I managed to get back to my bed, speed dial #9 is dispatch....I need speed dial at 4am in the morning bc I could barely make out the 9.  "This is _ calling in for today. No I will not be back for my 2nd piece of work. Yes. Yes. Self. I will be back tmw." click.  I then closed my eyes and it was 7:45 am.  My dh hands on my face.  "You have a fever....do u want to pick up _ or pick up _ and take _ to the dentist and shopping for Sunday outfits".  No, I have a migraine...I need to call Dr. _ office and see about getting in. Maybe if he adjusts my neck I will be better.  Maybe if I just don't move or think or takl to anyone all effing day...I will feel better.  He left to take one of our kids to school. I laid still.  Texted a friend.  Send a FB chat to another friend.  And closed my eyes.  I was not moving.  Shortly after dh came home and brought me breakfast.  Seriously...I laid flat on my back and did not move and ate 2 sandwhiches.  Pig. I know. 

I got into see Dr. M for my neck.  I felt so much better immediately.  The release was amazing.  Another friend text me and told me she was 'late' for work (which she really wasnt but its a stupid system) and she was off for the day unexpected.  I was just leaving the vet w/our new puppy.  (Vet and my Dr. were 5 min. apart).  We were close to her house and so we met for lunch. 

I came home and again spent 2 hrs laying flat in my bed. Not moving. Wishing and praying and hoping that this massive headache of mine would LEAVE.  Be gone. 

I can't tell if it is stress, fear, anxiety, phsyical, or what induced. 

I'm laying on the couch w/my son.  He is watching old cartoons.  I need to lay on the couch. In my room I find myself swirling downward and the guilt, shame, grief, denial, the you're not good enough, you eff'd up...and all that negative crap that feeds into suicdal thinking gets fed into. 

So for now...I'm laying on the couch.  With my new quilt that was made by one of my Soul Sisters mother for a fundraising auction, puppy on one side of me and son on the other.

Saturday is a new day.
I'm hoping that Saturday will be the day I snap out of this current spiral.

Massage Mind

I LOVE this article.

Massage Mind.

I've received massages on a rather regular basis for nearly 2 years.  I've had many good. I've had many bad.  And I've had some awesome massages that left me speechless.

I've blogged before about Heather and will continue as along as I am finding benefits.  She is worth her weight in gold. I am so thankful I've found her and even more thankful for her beautiful skill.  She is truly a talented lady who knows her clients and herself.  There has been much healing since I started seeing Heather in late April/Early May.

More and more I've found myself getting to the Massage Mind that is talked about in this article. 

90 Minutes....

For 90 minutes this afternoon...I turned off my phone.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I tuned out the world.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to regroup.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to reground my inner soul.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to find an inner peace.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I shut off everything that was spinning and swirling in my head.....

and attempted to find relaxation!!


DEEP relaxation.

When Heather asked what my goal was for todays session..I made it very clear to A: follow your intuition and B: relaxation.

I know and trust that Heather to get me to that point.  And for the 90 minutes that I was there....I did just that. 

If it was financially possible I would see her twice a week for the next few weeks in hopes to curb the increased anxiety that has been/does/is leading to other downward spiraling.

There are many studies that show massage therapy helps in many aspects of ones life.  The benefits are extremely helpful to your health and well-being.

I've been scheduling my massage appts bi-weekly and generally on the same day as a therapy appt.  I feel selfish going bi-weekly.  Yet, I also know that the benefits are significant. 

The lady that I see is awesome and I'm so thankful she was brought into my path.

There are days (today being one of them) where I don't always look forward to going for my massage.  And those are the days that I need it most.  Interesting that the days that I 'look forward' to seeing Heather the most are the days where I'm physically beaten up. My body hurts. 

I need my dh to hear me out. 
I need my dh to not think I'm being selfish.
I need my dh to not just agree and say "whatever makes you happy dear".
I need....to figure out how to make these 90 minutes last a full 2 weeks. 
or win the lottery that I have never played!