"Thankful"

I'm not posting a Thanfulness Monday blog post today.

My heart hurts and I'm having a very hard time finding thankfulness within my heart today.

Will He Really Answer Me

My faith has stumbled a great deal over the last several years. A combination of several different events has led my faith to be very weary.

I know that my Father in Heaven hears and will really answer my prayers. At times it is much harder to believe and accept.

This song has been one of my favorite songs since I was in Young Women's nearly 20+ years ago. It was always very comforting.

This evening, I came home to a quiet and empty house. Fighting back tears. As I tried to find some sort of comfort and guidance that we did do the right thing w/one of our children. I was reminded once again of the comfort that I once found in knowing He really will answer my prayers. Unfortunately, right now I don't know what it is that I want answers to. I do know that I need to find comfort and peace. It isn't something that has/is coming very easily.

How I Stayed Alive..

It has been almost 6 years since my therapist told me she wanted me to check this book out from the library.  My husband bought it for me the day after I was admitted to the hosptial for anorexia 6 years ago this October.  I read the book in one day.  And then again the next day...and the next...and the next.

I pulled it out this morning. Hoping I can find something different in it this time around.  Sometimes refreshers are good. 

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few people...as in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 

Today is NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS DAY.

Break the silence.
Speak.

Sit Down and Shut Up

I've started this post a few times.  Deleted it.  Restarted it.  Deleted it....I will keep it short bc sometimes that is just what is best. 

For the most part this week went very smooth.  Life is life.  There is no way around the ups and downs that come with living life.

For the majority of the time I am able to function fairly well at work.  There are only a few select people who know about my struggles. 

This afternoon was not one of them.  I don't care to go into details because reality is....same shit just different damn day.

Just Breathe

So very true...this lil saying I came across this morning.
Often I find myself getting wrapped up in the moment. 
Wrapped up in all that is wrong and screwed up.

Random Thoughts

One of the hardest things for me to accept and deal with over the last several years is the random - out of nowhere - suicidal thoughts that seam to pop into my thinking at any given moment.

This afternoon I was brought to tears and a near anxiety attack as I drov over this bridge.

This picture doesn't do the bridge true justice.  It wasn't part of my driving path on the way to visit my Sweet Soul Sister.  Somehow, my GPS decided to take me a different route - one that went via Gary, Indiana and then right smack into down town Chi-town!

As I drove over the bridge my thoughts went from listening to Pink's F*cking Perfect...to thinking "whoa...good thing I don't live near any bridges like this".

 And few other things that I will choose not to share at this time. I was more than visable upset.  My daughter, snoozing off-on in the front seat asked me what was wrong.  I portrayed it as nothing bad sweetheart, I'm just tired of driving and the GPS is taking us a different route...which scares me bc I don't know my way around.  She accepted my answer and closed her eyes.

I snapped back into reality and then became angry.  Very angry.  Angry at myself for allowing these things to creep into my day/weekend.  Angry that I had such a wonderful time w/my sweet soul sister and was able to just be...me and for the last 2 days was rather anxiety free (there were moments...but nothing that was not w/in my control).

I'm sure it probably sounds crazy....but every.single.time thoughts like what happened to me on my way home today....take me by surprise.  And when I'm in a much better space...it angers me.  When I'm not in a very good space -- it is no real surprise and I basically don't give a sh*t.   

The next time I take a road trip, such as I did this weekend.....I will be sure that my route to return home will be the same route that I took in the same place!  I don't like surprises.  No....I DO NOT!!  And that bridge...took me by surprise.  I seriously, did not expect myself to have the reaction that I did.

Thankfulness Project Monday

Friendships:
My heart is so full this evening as I think about what a wonderful weekend my children and I had.  And I'm truly blessed for a wonderful frienship that has blossomed over the last few months.  Having someone that truly knows what it is like to fight daily, weekly, monthly w/the demons of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, ect ect...is a truly blessing in disguise.  Truly...a blessing in disguise.

Children:
My children are rockstars!   They are the reason why I get up every day.  They are the reason why I not only get up but go to work  (almost everday)!  I am so proud of the beautiful people that they are becoming. 

Job:I often complain about my job. I often am triggered by my job.  Actually, every single day I am triggered by my job.  Regardless, I am so thankful that I have this position. I'm thankful that I've been able to keep and maintain fulltime employment for 2 full years and 1 yr part time before being promoted to full time.  I often think back to not very long ago when my psychiatrist encouraged me to apply for SSDI.  I flat out refused. I knew that I could work and be productive. I also knew that working was healthy for me.  Most of the time.  There have been many times over the last several years where I have thought about giving up, applying for SSDI and accepting that as my fate.  Right now that will not be my fate.  There are so many people who want to work and are not able to do so. I may need a reminder about this in a few hours when I'm working a 12 hour day w/o a break.  When my body is sore from the physical nature of my job.  When my anxiety is in full blown "I can not do this anymore" and am ready to give up.

This post is a offspring of Thankfulness Project Monday.  I'm thankful I found her blog and for the sweet and tender advice that I've picked up from her posts.

No agenda, time frame...Nothing pressing. Just...BE!!

"Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway. "

~ Unknown

Saturday morning my children and I got up in the very early hours and started a 6 hour drive to visit this lovely family....the same family we met w/in Chicago 2 weeks ago.

Words can't even describe how very full my heart is at this moment.  This evening, as I drove back to our hotel room after I dropped this lovely momma off at her home...it was so incredible hard to hold back the tears. 

As we laid on my hotel bed this evening we giggled till we cried, we giggled till we tooted, we giggled till we couldn't giggle any longer. 

I'm pretty certain my children thought their mother had lost her cookies.  I'm also pretty certain my children will request we take more road trips w/o their father.  You know...bc it is now nearly 1am and my youngest is still awake.  They jumped on the bed (something tha tmy dh would have a damn heart attack if he knew they did), they have just been able to  BE!!  I love my husband.  Trust me I do.  However, sometimes it is wonderful to just BE!!  And not be rushed in/out/over/under.

I can't even begin to imagine not having this sweet person in my life.  My heart is so incredible full.  And saddened at the thought of having to go back home tmw. 

I'm not going to want to leave.  Two weeks ago, it was easier to hug and say good-bye bc I was 99% sure that I would be making this trip in 2 short weeks later. (It was very long btw).

I have no clue when we will make it back here. 

There is power in being able to talk to others w/no holds bar.  I'm sure I would have said much more than I have with out having my children tagging along and listening.  However, there is power in numbers...power in knowing  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Confession

Goodness is this ever the truth!